Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.

Website: www.kimberlybeamholmes.com

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Website: www.kimberlybeamholmes.com

Thanks for listening!

Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmes

Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a review!

WE HAVE A NEW WEBSITE!!

Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!

Speaker 1: 0:30

On today's episode of it starts with attraction, we're going to be taking a look at our favorite moments from 2023. Let's dive in Well, thanks for joining us for our 2023 end of year recap, for it starts with attraction. If you're listening to this on podcasts or if you're watching this on YouTube, I'm not Kimberly, obviously. My name is Jason. I am the producer of the podcast. It starts with attraction, and today we're going to be going through our favorite moments, your favorite moments of 2023, from it starts with attraction. The first clip that we're going to be playing today is from episode 137, published on January 17th of this year. It is called breaking the cycle understanding and overcoming love, addiction and toxic relationships with Sherry Gabba.

Speaker 2: 1:15

What is love addiction? When you talk about that, what are you talking about and what are the symptoms of it that people may want to look for?

Speaker 3: 1:23

Sure. So love addiction a lot of people think of love addiction as obsessive love, so it's a process addiction. So some people think of substance abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc. Processed addictions can be things like, you know, gaming or shopping or spending, and it can also be love and it's a mood altering activity rather than actually a drug. But it actually has the same euphoric effects that a mood altering substance might have. So love addiction is really. It becomes someone's whole identity. They, it's really the relationship is what defines them.

Speaker 3: 2:00

If a breakup occurs, they, they long for that attachment, all those pleasurable feelings that they have in that lost relationship. Just like a drug user is missing their drug fix. So they have a lot of codependency traits. They over adapt to what others want and the reason they do this is they end up settling for less because they want to be with someone, no matter what. I mean.

Speaker 3: 2:21

Being alone is just so scary to them. They have absolutely no boundaries. Because of that They'll do, they'll do anything just to be in a relationship and they have an intense fear of letting go. They have an intense fear of the unknown. They're always trying to change others to fit what they want. They're kind of in love with an illusion rather than really who the person is. They need others to feel whole and they look for others for affirmation and validation. There's just no sense of self. Everything is from the outside in. They have a fear of abandonment that was one of my huge issues and they even have withdrawal symptoms, just like a drug addict would have. You know, they just give up who they are. They lose parts of themselves out of the fear that they will be alone or that they won't have someone's approval. So it really does become their, their obsession.

Speaker 2: 3:12

So is love addiction the same as codependency, or are they two different things?

Speaker 3: 3:18

Yeah, they. I say every love addict is a codependency. I mean, this is just my opinion. I think every love addict has a lot of the people pleasing traits. It has the traits of needing validation, it has the traits of wanting to fix others. But you can be a codependency and not be a love addict. So you could be a codependent at work, you could be a codependent, you know, at your PTA or church or temple or synagogue. Codependence don't necessarily have to be love or romance addicts, but I think every love addict definitely has traits of codependency.

Speaker 1: 3:52

Moving forward to our next clip, this comes from episode 141, published on Valentine's Day, february 14th. This is how strong communication skills can benefit your career and your marriage with Dave Delaney.

Speaker 2: 4:05

When people talk about you know you need to communicate more, or and so I I automatically. When I said that, I thought of two examples. I thought of an example in the business room and I thought of an example in my marriage where, in both instances, I felt like I communicated beautifully, but, for whatever reason, the receiving party was like you did not tell me that you need to work on communication, you need to XYZ, so. So let's break this down. When we talk about what is good or effective communication, what does that actually look like?

Speaker 4: 4:41

When communication works, both parties sorry, part of me, both parties one party, you know, sends the information for. The other party receives that information but also retains it and acts upon it, does something with that that information, whether it's just reply or whether it's you know, don't forget to pick up the kids from school or so there has to be action to the other side of communication in order to make it work, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 5:18

Next up, published a week later, on February 21,. We have Episode 142, how Physical Attraction Evokes Emotions and those Around you with Toy Sweeney. So talk about personal branding when you say that phrase personal branding what does that mean?

Speaker 2: 5:30

When you say that phrase, personal branding? Why does this matter? Or why should it matter to people? And does it only matter to people who are trying to be quote unquote influencers, or should it matter to all of us?

Speaker 5: 5:43

That's a good question. So in 1997, when Tom Peters coined the phrase personal branding, if you go back and you read the Fast Company article where he coins the phrase you can just Google Tom Peters Fast Company article it's called a brand called you and what he was basically saying was that this is this battle cry for us to become the chief marketing officers of ourselves. It's high time that we start taking, you know, a page out of these. You know the same thing that the big brands are doing. We need to start doing those same things for ourselves and think about your career, your family, the impact that you're going to have, you know, in your day to day, but it was really at that time about how you were marketing your career.

Speaker 5: 6:25

Well, today, in the world of influencers, you know, I think, that most people kind of understand what their personal brand is. You know everybody likes to talk about. Was it the Jeff Bezos quote of like it's what people say about you when you're not in the room? I think that it's so much more than that, when you think about it again from an image perspective, that it's your packaging, and that's a lot of what Tom Peters were saying that if you think of yourself as a product. If you created this product called Jennifer you know, peter Kimberly, whatever right You're creating this product then every year you're going to look at that product and go, hey, what are we doing? Well, what are some things that our customers are saying? Our audience is saying that we could probably approve upon.

Speaker 5: 7:08

Well, all of us have an audience, and so, even if you are a stay at home mom, you have an audience. Your audience is your children, it's your partner, you know, it's the parent-teacher conference meeting, it's lunch with the girls. You still have an audience. And so you really have to think about it from that perspective and ask yourself, in question what do you want people to? What do you want people to think or feel when you enter the room, when you leave the room? It's about emotion, right, we all have that person or that friend that we think of and we smile and you just kind of go I love her. And then someone else else I do, I love her too Like, oh, isn't he just the best? Oh, yeah, he is the best. Right, that's branding, that's personal branding.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Our next clip comes from episode 144, published on March 7th. This is the Importance of Consistency in Co-Parenting with Julie Beckerman.

Speaker 2: 8:10

You have been through this right, you've had this experience. So can you tell us a little bit more about when you and your husband had divorced and you had the co-parent together? How did you first of all take care of yourself? How did you kind of pick up your own pieces of what had happened through your marriage and divorce process?

Speaker 6: 8:34

That's a really great question actually, because, yeah, I think the first thing it's like I got very fit. I think a lot of people tend to do that. I really I did kind of start taking care of myself, and the next thing that I did for me was start this business, because the main thing that I needed to do to pick up the pieces was figuring out how I was gonna survive this co-parenting relationship for the rest of my life, and so that's what I did. I kind of developed and figured out strategies to make this tolerable for me and for my daughter.

Speaker 2: 9:09

Yes, and how was it for your daughter? How did your daughter handle the process of going from you and your husband being married to now you're in two separate places, like? What was that like for her?

Speaker 6: 9:24

You know. So for her it was actually a very long drawn out process. Unfortunately, some of these really, you know, yucky divorces can just get very drawn out, and she was at an age where kind of like it wasn't immediate, she didn't really notice things happening. It was a little bit over time, and so I think the impact on her was a little bit more subtle, which is also why I thought it was so important for me to get on top of this, because I wanted to. You know, I wanted to be able to help her through these little things. Sometimes the big things you can see it, you can kind of deal with them, but these little things.

Speaker 6: 9:56

So, for example, I think for my daughter, the way that it kind of manifested was she became like the good little soldier. So, because my ex and I were not working well together, she was the good one, right, she didn't want to make more problems for us. And now I would say what I do see is, now that my ex and I get along a lot better, she actually is safer to come to us with some more real issues that she's dealing with. Yeah, that's really good. So one of the values of really having a more effective co-parenting relationship of course.

Speaker 2: 10:27

So you mentioned that now your co-parenting relationship is a lot healthier than it used to be. What would you say led to that shift?

Speaker 6: 10:37

I get asked that all the time and you know I want to say, well, look, this is what I do for a living. So I got really good at it, and you know. But at the same time, what I did was I do I do follow my own principles and I really was consistent with them. Now my ex I don't know what he would say and it almost doesn't really matter, because ultimately what I did was I set myself up by being consistent and being the kind of quality co-parent that I wanted in him was the kind of co-parent that I became and I showed up that way all the time and I think that sort of created a safe environment. It created an environment almost of trust. Right, it was very clear how I was gonna show up. So, yeah, I used all the things that I teach. That's what I do, it's how I live it and it works for us.

Speaker 1: 11:27

Our next clip is coming from episode 148. This is success, failure and habits, a conversation with the chosen creator, Dallas Jenkins, and this was published on April 4th 2023.

Speaker 2: 11:40

So, thinking about the habits that you have on a day-to-day basis, whether it's during filming season, which I'm sure is extremely high pressure, high stress, or when you're off of filming season, what are those routines, those habits that keep you grounded and keep you focused and keep you humble and connected to your family, that have worked well for you?

Speaker 7: 12:03

Well, my wife has gone through this with me. My wife and I have gone through the pain and the surrender piece. My wife was with me on that day when the movie failed, and both of us, who had been working through this, working through this dream for 20 years and it was all coming to an end, and wondering if we would ever do this again and wondering where my next job would be, and wondering if everything that we had been so passionate about wasn't gonna come. And we were there together when we were truly broken and when I resigned from my job in 2017, that had really good benefits and our kids were our kids. Private school was covered because of my job and resigning going all right, we're gonna go all in on this Jesus show based on a short film on my friend's farm in Illinois, 20 minutes from my house, that I did for my church, and we have no promise that it's gonna work, and we involved our kids in that too. We said we're doing this because we believe God is calling us to it, because we believe or know it's gonna be successful. And so she, because she's been so much a part of that process. She keeps me grounded too. She's very intuitive and very connected to the spirit, probably even more than I am, and so we keep each other accountable.

Speaker 7: 13:41

Sheem keeps me accountable more than she doesn't need to become reminders as much as I do, so that's a huge one is just my wife, amanda, consistently reminding me. You know, hey look, this stuff doesn't matter and this opportunity we are getting now because of this isn't why we did it. Obviously, prayer is a big factor. You know, right now we're memorizing as a family Romans eight, and it's a lot about living in the flesh, being death, and living in the spirit, being life and peace, and that's, you know, that kind of thing keeps us grounded. But also, honestly, the job does, like I said, when I sit down at the computer and with my co-writers and we're working on the next season, or when I set foot on the set in the morning, it's the same. Now things are maybe a little bit bigger, but it's the same job.

Speaker 7: 14:39

We still have to not screw it up. And when I'm with the actors and when I'm with the crew, we have to nail our part. We have to capture accurately the truth and intentions and character of Jesus and the gospels and it has to be a good show. It has to be a show people wanna watch. That's really, really hard, so it requires the kind of focus and the kind of humility that art demands, and so, you know, I'd love to over spiritualize it, but I think that there are times when it's not about showing up and there are times when it's not about we're gonna do devotionals and we're gonna pray and we're just gonna give this over to God. God's like yeah, yeah, yeah, you still have to make five loaves and two fish, and the loaves have to be really good and healthy so that when I multiply them people don't get sick. So that alone keeps you going. It's just the trains never stop running, and so you still gotta keep your head, your nose, to the plow and keep doing the work.

Speaker 1: 15:40

This was published on May 16th. This is episode 154, how Attraction Leads to Love.

Speaker 2: 15:47

Because when we are being attracted to another person, that's it's what they are giving off that we are becoming attracted to. So, when we think about attraction and the pies and a relationship, it's important for both people to work on becoming the most attractive that they can be. This is typically what led us to be attracted to our spouse to begin with the way that they were working on their pies, so to say, and they were attracted to you because of something that you were doing working on your pies, so to say. Over time, though, once we get into that romantic relationship, unfortunately we stopped doing those behaviors that led our spouse to be attracted to us to begin with, and so, while attraction initially happens by what the other person has done previously, when we think about attraction in marriage, it doesn't do us as much good for me to tell you that your spouse needs to continue to do the things. Or, if you're dating someone, it doesn't do much good for me to tell you that your boyfriend or girlfriend needs to do things in order to be more attractive, because, at the end of the day, while they do need to focus because everyone should on becoming the most attractive they can be, you can't control them, just like they can't control you. The only person you can control is you.

Speaker 2: 17:24

That's why, when I started this podcast and just fell in love and became incredibly passionate with the concept of pies, I wanted to present this podcast in a way that every episode was applicable for you and what you can do when we talk about the pies when I talk about the pies, typically I'm talking about you need to be the most attractive for your age and situation in life, and what does that mean? It means physically, you need to feel the best that you can have, the energy that you need to have, and I don't talk about it as much on the looks side of things, because that opens up a whole basket of worms and a lot of things that evoke emotions that I don't think a lot of people enjoy feeling. We already typically tend to feel like we don't look or are not good enough in some way when it comes to our physical body, and so I don't like talking about it in that way. I really prefer to think about physical attraction when it comes to you working on your own physical attraction in terms of what will make you feel the best in your body Eating right, moving your body well, getting great sleep. These are things that are already going to lead to helping us become the most attractive that we can be and maybe even help us to become more physically. I mean, it may change our looks, but the point isn't about changing your looks. The point is about feeling the best that you can and when it comes to focusing on your own intellectual attraction.

Speaker 2: 18:58

This is why it's important to continue to learn, continue to grow.

Speaker 2: 19:01

This is what makes us fascinating people to talk to, and so our boyfriends and girlfriends or our spouses, they want us to continue to grow and to learn.

Speaker 2: 19:11

And sometimes people will say well, I don't know that my significant other does want me to get any smarter or do these things, but the majority of the time when people say that, it's because they're not connecting.

Speaker 2: 19:26

And so intellectual this intellectual part conversations and hobbies and interests can tend to be something that are just pulling them further away, because they're not actually intentionally using it as an opportunity, as a connection point, to come back together. So they're not talking to each other about the new hobbies they have or the things that they're learning, and instead they can begin to feel resentful because whatever those hobbies or interests are are starting to pull each other away. So, intellectually, it's about intentionally using that as an opportunity to connect, to talk about interesting things, to be able to have a great conversation with the person that is your significant other. And, of course, emotional attraction it's all about evoking those positive emotions, doing things that are going to make people feel good about themselves and, as we said, with spiritual living in line with your beliefs and values, it's not just about having them. It's about living in line with them and being the kind of person that lives in line with them.

Speaker 1: 20:26

Next up is episode 155 with Jamie Ganyan. Jamie is a member of our team here at Marriage Helper. This episode was published on May 23rd 2023. And this is what is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Speaker 2: 20:40

What is CBT If you could give a brief overview, and why do people need?

Speaker 8: 20:46

it. Yeah, so CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, so cognitive or cognitions are just a fancy name for our thoughts, and it's a way of helping us identify negative thinking patterns and gain control over our thoughts, so learning to see things in a new way. It also helps us identify behaviors that are maladaptive or another way of thinking. Maladaptive is more harmful or less effective behaviors that aren't helping us reach those goals that we want to reach, and replacing them with a more effective behavior.

Speaker 2: 21:17

Yeah, that makes total sense. So when you were working with kids, what were some ways that kids would come in, what were some of the things that they were dealing with? And then you would hear that and say we need to use some CBT techniques.

Speaker 8: 21:31

Sure, so a lot of the things that I've worked with. I had a lot of kids in foster care and many of them had backgrounds in trauma and a lot of anxiety and depression. We have a lot of behavioral issues and sometimes those are ADHD related. Sometimes those are just because of environmental situations. And the way that CBT works is CBT is a skills-based approach. It is about learning tools that you can use on your own and to challenge those negative and unhelpful thinking and maladaptive behaviors.

Speaker 8: 22:06

Cbt is also an active therapy, and what we mean by an active therapy is you don't just come in, you don't just talk about things. A lot of people think of therapy as you go. You lay down on the couch in the therapist's office and you just talk. There is a portion of that that is helpful and there's a portion of that that still happens. But CBT is an active therapy, meaning it's not going to be effective if you aren't taking the tools that you're being taught in session and practicing them on a daily basis outside. So the tools that you are learning in CBT are things that you can do on your own to work to decrease those anxious thinking patterns or those negative thought patterns or changing those negative behaviors that you may have.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Next up, we have episode 159 with Carla McLaren. This was published on June 20th 2023, and this is Emotions, boundaries and Trauma.

Speaker 2: 23:00

You are pretty open, especially in the beginning of your book, about your hypersensitivity to emotions and some of the things in your life that led to that happening. And actually the beginning of your I wouldn't say the beginning, it's probably a third of the way in you start talking about the role of trauma and how that plays into emotions. Will you tell us a little bit about that's a big question. You tell us a little bit about how emotions impact trauma and trauma impacts emotions, I mean. But really like that was an interesting thing to me for you to start with in a book about emotions.

Speaker 9: 23:37

Yeah Well, what I noticed is that what I finally realized over many decades of study is that emotions come forward to help us deal with whatever's going on, and if whatever is going on is intense, then the emotions are going to need to kind of rush forward and do that. But most people look at it exactly backward and they think that whenever there's trouble going on, there's always those damned emotions here. So their idea is we need to get rid of emotions, because there wouldn't be any pain without emotions. And for me it's like no, no, no, no, no, the pain was there, the emotions didn't bring it. They're coming to help you, and this is especially true when you've experienced trauma and you haven't been able to downregulate from it and it sort of chases you, and you know we call it post traumatic stress disorder, but I would call it just post traumatic thing, because a lot of times your organism is trying to upload information about how you survive that thing that happened, and so it might want to bring you back to it and say, okay, what was your decision here? What did you do? Because I need to upload this information for the future.

Speaker 9: 24:54

Right, sort of like, if you, if you go up to something that's very novel. You're going to be afraid of it. At first you're going to be clumsy, you're going to be a mess and then, over time, you're going to understand how to do it. It's the same with trauma. Your whole sort of survival mechanism wants to know if this ever happens again, what do we do? And a lot of people confuse that. So the emotion of panic comes up and says, hey, look at this. And you're like no, I don't have a look at that. I was like but you survived, you're a survival expert. So. So I think that's something that if you've had any sort of unresolved trauma in your life, your emotions may be pretty intense because they want you to upload that survival information and move on. So I think a lot of people they experience emotions as a problem.

Speaker 1: 25:52

This next clip comes from episode 168. This is an episode that Kimberly did with Dr Lori Watson. This is published on August 22nd 2023. And this is nurturing better communication and connection.

Speaker 2: 26:05

So does the emotional cycle. So the pursuer withdraw or cycle. If someone is in that emotionally in their marriage, is that going to affect the sexual cycle? And then vice versa? Absolutely.

Speaker 10: 26:20

They're interconnected. Both of them have sort of gravitational force on the other one. So you know, for instance, women, we know the research says women need emotional connection to feel desire and to be sexual. But the problem is is maybe she's withdrawing sexually, which dysregulates her male partner emotionally because he's like all undone, okay, there's not a steady supply. This is not what I signed up for. She seems bored to death. She doesn't want me, I feel rejected and he starts to protect himself emotionally by pulling back from the relationship. And she's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, I need you and I need more of this in order to get sexual. And he's like I know, but I need sex in order to feel safe emotionally, to open up to you. After we have sex, that's when I want to talk. She's like I know, but I really need to talk before we have sex so that I feel connected.

Speaker 10: 27:12

And it says really tight knot. You know that they just pull so tight on and it can feel hopeless and impossible. You know we end up fighting, we end up sleeping in separate beds, we end up doing our own thing, but we really don't feel close anymore. And sex, you know, it's a little flat, it's if we do it at all. You know, it's not like it used to be. That's just. That's just what the fate of marriage.

Speaker 2: 27:39

Mm, hmm. How do you evaluate this in couples when they come to you in your practice? What are you asking? What are you looking for to see where it's starting and who's the pursuer and who's the withdrawal?

Speaker 10: 27:52

Yeah, it's really easy, you know, because that's exactly what I do in my first session. I mean perfect question. So what I want to do is I just say well, you know kind of what brings you in here. I might already know, because I've got a text from the front desk or something, but I like them to tell me, and maybe you know, usually the pursuer opens, you know, or the pursuer nudges their withdrawal and says why don't you tell them?

Speaker 10: 28:21

But the person who speaks first is usually the pursuer and you know they are sort of what we would consider the complainer. They're the ones who are going to frame the problem, they're the ones who made the phone call, they're the activated partner and and as a therapist you know, we can see that person of like wow, you know they're, they're sure complaining. In this other person. They seem calm, cool and collected, not escalated at all, you know. But what we don't see is the not doing that triggers their partner.

Speaker 10: 28:54

I don't get engaged with you, I don't initiate with you either sexually or emotionally. I don't do things that leave you feeling abandoned and emptied or abandoned or abandoned or empty really. And then the withdrawal, you know, feels like you just are always pushing me, you want to control me, you want to control my time or you want to control when my body is going to respond to you. You want to control this bedroom thing. You know better what I do. You don't like it. You know.

Speaker 10: 29:30

I had an orgasm and you're like how could I make it better? You know, and how that reads to a sexual withdrawal. That question of what would make it better next time is like you mean, it wasn't good enough this time, so I just check it out. I listen to who speaks first, I listen to what the complaint is and then I watch the reaction. It's like usually a withdrawal will minimize the problem. It's like well, it's not that big a deal. Things would be a lot better if they were just happy. You know, if they, if they could just get happy there's just kind of an unhappy person. You know then things would be better.

Speaker 1: 30:07

This next episode is actually our most popular episode of the year. This is an episode that Kimberly did by herself. This is three steps to heal a broken marriage. I believe this was episode 177, published on October 24, 2023.

Speaker 2: 30:24

But these are things that you should think about. How will it affect your future to not try to save your marriage? There's a cost to saving your marriage and there's a much greater cost to end it. There's still a cost to save it. There's still the cost of your own emotions. There's the cost of your own commitment and dedication. There's the cost of how the roller coaster that many of you are on. There's the financial cost of doing things to help you work toward saving your marriage. Yes, there is a cost to save your marriage, but there is a much greater cost to end it. So what do you want to do? Are you committing to save your marriage?

Speaker 2: 31:17

Your mindset, your commitment, your belief in saving your marriage is more important than your spouse being willing. I'm going to say that again for the people in the back your mindset, your commitment, your belief in saving your marriage is more important than your spouse being willing. Why would I say that? Because if you aren't committed, it will never matter if your spouse is willing or not. Because the first thing that comes up, that is difficult, or maybe not the first thing, maybe it's the fifth thing or the tenth thing. The next thing that comes up, that is finally the straw that breaks the camel's back If you're not committed in realizing that this is a process that takes time. There's seven steps. I'm going to be real with you. It likely takes people one to two years, maybe even three, to go through all of those seven steps. If you want it to stick, if you want it to last long term, we're looking at one to three years. It's not an easy fix, it's not a quick turnaround, but it's doable, it can last and it is absolutely worth it.

Speaker 1: 32:39

Next up, published on November 21, 2023,. We have episode 181, Mastering the Art of Communication with Jefferson Fisher.

Speaker 11: 32:50

Do people ever ask you what's the five secret phrases that can just transform my communication and help me get whatever I want, nobody's asked me like that before, but I can give you a few that I like to use. Number one is maybe so. Anytime you get something to keep yourself from getting defensive, make somebody else die down. When you hear something that's going to make you want to, oh, yeah, what about you? Whenever you feel that feeling, you say well, maybe so, boom, instantly just diffuses, it's done. What else can they say? They feel satisfied of all, right, he's at least considered it. But yeah, but you, in the same way, I'm not taking it on. Well, maybe, so.

Speaker 11: 33:53

It's having that, what I just consider a flexible mindset, that growth mindset. If you're too loose, there's chaos. If you're too rigid, you're not letting anything in or out. But if you can have some flexibility of well, maybe you're right, so I like maybe, so, maybe you're right. That's also one that I use very frequently is maybe you're right. I'm giving the possibility that I could certainly be wrong. People love that. They cannot get enough of the idea that you're considering In any context. They're like oh, my gosh, bro. So whenever you tell somebody, oh, maybe, hey, maybe you're right, they hit some because they heard the word right, which satisfies them.

Speaker 2: 34:43

Right next to the word you.

Speaker 11: 34:45

Correct, yeah. And they don't really hear the maybe part. They just hear that you're right yeah. At the same time, you're recognizing that you could certainly be wrong. Another phrase I like to use is I could be better. I can do that better. I could have done that better. I'll be better. Any phrases like that help significantly Oftentimes, especially towards the end of an argument. It's a great way of creating a bridge to connect to the other person. So I've had somebody I've had multiple people actually tell me they love that phrase. One was a lady who she messaged me and said at the end of this argument with my husband, I knew we'd be married like 12 years. At the end of the argument I said I can be better and he responded I can be better too. She said I've never heard that from this man in all of our years of marriage.

Speaker 2: 35:49

That's awesome.

Speaker 11: 35:51

When you just acknowledge yourself of, hey, I can be better, because it's always true, right, no matter what, you can always be just that 1% better. That's enough of an acknowledgement of you know, this wasn't my best, next time I can be better. I'll work on that. And oftentimes they say the same thing.

Speaker 1: 36:12

Our last clip of the day actually comes from last week's episode, which is our last interview episode of the year. This is from episode 185 with Andrea Beach. This is how to Spot a Liar.

Speaker 2: 36:25

Now, one of the things you said is I don't remember which one you were talking about, but you said that's a valid reason to lie. So do you think it's okay to lie? Like? In what circumstance is lying ethical, Is it okay? Flush that out a bit.

Speaker 12: 36:40

Yeah. So that's a slippery slope because in general I would say no, lying is harmful, usually with a ripple effect, maybe not in that moment, but over time. Especially, let's say, in a relationship. If you're trying to not offend or hurt your partner's feelings, you would say, well, it's the more humane, ethical, valid thing to do to lie to uphold their feelings. But if you're withholding something from them for months or years or even decades, that lie will continue to build and often the ripple effects and the damage from it could have been avoided if you had just been a little bit more honest in the beginning. So the word valid, I think, is more or less as it relates to the reasons that people would excuse it or think that it's not doing any harm. That's what we call our little white lies. Now, whether or not we should do them, or it's ethical or okay, I would say in general no, even though the intent behind them is usually altruistic or good.

Speaker 2: 37:38

Yeah, yeah, that's you know, it's an interesting point. That's the classic question of you know, if the wife asks, do I look good in this or do you think that woman is pretty right, Like, what's the, what response is going to be more edifying, maybe to for your wife to hear versus maybe what you actually think? And it's kind of this balance that we make in a lot of circumstances like that of, well, if what I truly think isn't really going to be helpful in this situation, then what is a different way that I can say it?

Speaker 12: 38:11

something like that Exactly, and it's usually the men. It's exactly right. Women have a tendency we will bait our husbands or boyfriends into a question, and I'm guilty, we've all done it. And do we really want the honest answer? We think we do, but we may not, and that puts him in an uncomfortable and unfair situation. So the relationship gets stronger when he can say, honey, yeah, she's a attractive woman, but nothing like you, baby, or I'm in love with you or I can't take my eyes off you long enough to even see what you're talking about. That comes with time, guys, get better at this. But it does create more of an intimacy between the couple when you can be honest but do it where it's kind of sandwiched in between compliments or in between a situation where you might say, obviously she's attractive, honey, but look at you tonight, gosh, you're stunning. Those kinds of moments bring a couple together because the honesty really does impact the intimacy.

Speaker 1: 39:12

Well, thanks so much for watching or listening to today's episode the last episode of 2023, right before we roll right into 2024 with brand new episodes. If you enjoyed anything from today's episode, please feel free to leave a like, leave a comment, subscribe so you don't miss any of the other episodes. If you're on podcasts, consider leaving a review. We love hearing from you. We read every comment and every review. It's also just a really good way to help grow the show, grow the podcast.

Speaker 1: 39:39

If there's anything that you think someone else might need to hear whether it's a friend, a family member or a co-worker consider sending it to them, Whether it's something from this episode, or if you want them to hear the full version of another episode. All of those will be linked in the show notes below so that you can send each individual episode to anybody that you would like, or if you just want to listen to them yourself, they'll be down there in the show notes. If you're listening or watching this on the day of its release, it is December 26th. It is the day after Christmas. So, from Kimberly myself, the entire team here at Marriage Helper, we just want to say we hope you had a very merry Christmas and, until next year, stay strong.

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