Unraveling The Science of Attraction - MY 200th EPISODE!

Curious about the hidden forces that shape your relationships?  Explore the fascinating process of unraveling the science of attraction with Kimberly Beam Holmes on her podcast "It Starts with Attraction." In this highlight video, dive into transformative episodes:

Dr. David Matsumoto: Discover the secrets of nonverbal communication and microexpressions, and learn how they influence who you're drawn to.
John Gottman:  Shares thought-provoking insights that encourage married couples to nurture a happy and healthy marriage.
Enjoy other highlights that make for a well-rounded sense of attraction!

Want to delve deeper into the science of attraction?  Subscribe to "It Starts with Attraction" wherever you get your podcasts and unlock the mysteries of human connection.

Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships


Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.


Website: www.itstartswithattraction.com


Thanks for listening!


Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmes


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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

Today we are celebrating the 200th episode of the it Starts With Attraction podcast. It's been four years now that I've been doing this podcast and, to be honest with you, I took some time to really think about how the podcast has changed my life through some of the amazing conversations that I've had with people, and that's what I'm going to share with you on today's episode. In celebration of 200 episodes and four years of doing this podcast, I'm going to go backwards and share with you not only the people that I've spoken with who have actually changed my life the most and it's going to be people you probably wouldn't even expect I'm also going to share with you some conversations I've had where maybe I didn't agree with something that one of the guests said. I'm also going to share with you the most inspiring people that I believe that I've had a chance to interview so far on this podcast. I'm excited to dive into all of those with you and we will be sharing the links to the full episodes that I refer to in today's episode in the show notes. But I also want to let you know on the front end that when I originally had it on my heart to do this podcast, I was originally going to call it the Pies Cast, because it's all about the pies physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual and even though it started in 2020, it wasn't an act of COVID. It was something that had been on my heart the full year before and it was something that I wanted to do but that I was scared to do.

Speaker 1: 2:08

To be honest, I didn't know who all I'd be able to get as guests. I didn't know really all of the different things that I would end up talking about. I just knew that I wanted to have a platform where the pies was the highlight, that the focus was how to focus on yourself even when life is crazy, even when relationships are hard. What can we come back to and focus on to become our best selves even in the face of adversity, trials and tribulations? I hope that there has been even just one episode or one sentence from an episode that you've heard over the past 200 that's made a positive change in your life, and I hope that there will be many more to come Without further ado. Well, I do want to ask you if you haven't followed yet wherever you listen to podcasts, please click that follow button. It makes a huge difference, not only in how the podcast can reach more people, but also in ensuring that you receive all of the updates of when new content comes out. And we have some great and exciting content that's coming up over our next iteration of the podcast and what the podcast is going to look like moving forward in the future. So be sure to hit that follow button, and if you're watching on YouTube, then please be sure to hit subscribe so that you can see all the content there as well.

Speaker 1: 3:33

Now, without further ado, let's dive in to today's episode. When I think back to the people that I've spoken with that have had the biggest impact on my life which is crazy, because if I did not have this podcast, I would never have spoken to any of these people. If we're going to be real, the first person that comes to mind is Dr David Matsumoto. This episode was done in the first year of the podcast and I invited him on originally because he is a researcher in micro expressions and he's done some fascinating research in terms of how even blind people, who have never seen other facial expressions, still exhibit similar facial expressions to seeing people when they are joyful, when they are scared, when they are angry. So there's something about how we are made and how we are wired, that our expressions and our micro expressions show up in our bodies, which is its own fascinating bit of research. Show up in our bodies which is its own fascinating bit of research.

Speaker 1: 4:39

But here is what Dr Matsumoto said that has fundamentally changed how passionate I am about marriages, families and relationships. He was telling me about how he was contracted by the US government to do work in the Middle East to figure out what needs to happen to end terrorism. What a crazy thing to be asked to do and what an undertaking of a job and of all of that research and of all of the work that he and his colleagues did in researching that. Here is what he said was the number one thing they found If we want to end terrorism, it has to start within the home, because it is within the home that we learn to love and we learn to hate. Wow, powerful.

Speaker 1: 5:30

I can't tell you how many times I have restated that in speeches, in team meetings, in conversations with people to really drive home the need not just the need the fundamental necessity to focus on the people in your home and how you love them and how you show them how to love other people. I think to where we are currently in America, especially with an election season coming up which, ironically, there was an election season coming up when we first did this podcast in the first year that it started. But when I think about how there's so much opportunity for hate and I think about people that I've known and, unfortunately, how they've taught their children that people who are on the opposite political spectrum are bad people, and it's just not true. It's just not true. We cannot have homes, families, societies in America or anywhere else in the world where we teach other people to hate someone else just because they have a different belief than we do, or they see the world differently, or they've had different experiences than us, or they look different than us. Hate is not the answer. If we want to end terrorism, if we want to end hate, it starts within the home and how we teach each other how to love.

Speaker 1: 7:02

That was my favorite episode and you never would have thought it from Dr David Matsumoto, who has made a fundamental impact on me. Great episode. I highly encourage you to go and listen to the whole thing. The second episode and really the rest of these aren't in any specific order. They've all been impactful to me in different ways, but the other episode that came to mind for me was my episode with Dr Carol Darsa.

Speaker 1: 7:31

This was again in the first 100 episodes that we had on the podcast, so it was still relatively new. I was still doing the podcast out of my old house. Sometimes the internet was spotty, sometimes it wasn't. It was up in the bonus room. My husband and I were sharing the office. So many times when I was doing a podcast interview he was out there hashing out a paper or sometimes playing video games, which would drive me crazy. I just need silence when I'm trying to do the podcast. But we made it work.

Speaker 1: 8:02

The episode of Carol D'Arsa was one of the first episodes, if not the first episode, that I did that talked about trauma and I loved the way that Dr Carol D'Arsa talked about and defined trauma, the way that Dr Carol Darsa talked about and defined trauma, and I'd never thought of it the way that she defined it. She boiled it down really simply and she said trauma is when we feel overwhelmed by the circumstances that we're in and powerless to do anything about it Overwhelmed and powerless. Now, the extent of how overwhelmed and powerless we feel will differ based on how traumatic the event is, how grand that event is. Rape, incredibly traumatic, very overwhelmed and powerless to do something about it, being mugged, sexually harassed, experiencing a war or some kind of natural disaster All of those are very traumatic experiences. But there are other experiences that we have in our life where maybe you didn't feel safe in a certain situation and your parents told you that you were just overthinking it, but you felt overwhelmed, yet powerless, although it was to a lesser extent than some of those, as some might say, bigger T traumatic events.

Speaker 1: 9:25

It was from this conversation that I actually realized and maybe the better way to say that is, I admitted to myself that I had experienced quite a few traumatic events when I was younger that I hadn't dealt with and I didn't want to deal with. But putting that definition to trauma and realizing to an extent normalizing it, but also realizing it doesn't have to be like this big scary thing and admitting to myself that some of the things that I went through when I was younger were traumatic, allowed me the freedom to begin to explore what that looked like and how to heal from that. It was from that conversation that I actually ended up deciding to seek therapy. So I actually decided to go through EMDR, which is one of the best therapies out there for really overcoming traumatic events big T or little t and it was a process. I went, I found a therapist, I we went through a couple of weeks of just preparing me to go through EMDR and, if I'm going to be real with you, the things that came up through that experience weren't the things I thought would.

Speaker 1: 10:43

There was actually a lot of different situations that my brain had kind of linked together and through the process of EMDR it allows your brain to process things that you haven't processed, things that you've maybe stuffed deep down and the like, and so a lot of different experiences that I didn't even think had hurt me or were that traumatic came up, one of them being and I will share this one but kind of through EMDR they encourage you to think of the first time you felt a certain way. You go through a lot of questions to figure you felt a certain way and you go through a lot of questions to figure out what that feeling is. And I was surprised because I went to EMDR thinking about a certain event and what ended up coming up as the first thing that everything launched, padded off of, was actually when my sister left for college when I was six years old. Actually, when my sister left for college when I was six years old and I didn't realize how hard that had been for me to process and there were a couple of auxiliary situations and circumstances that were happening at the time that I believe, made it even harder. But that was my starting thought and I didn't realize that that mattered so much to me. I didn't realize that that mattered so much to me, but through going through EMDR and through processing a lot of the events that started then in my life and happened after that, things changed People that I had really struggled with forgiving, people that honestly I don't like to use this word because this is hard to think about, but people who I probably hated and I don't really like that word.

Speaker 1: 12:23

I began to soften towards them and to forgive them, not really wanting to have future reconciliation relationships with those people, but I began to change in the way that I thought about them, in the way that I held on to things and in the future ability for me to forgive, even when other circumstances arose. It ended up changing my life and actually it ended up changing my relationship with anxiety. My anxiety has not been nearly as high since I went through the EMDR process and of course, I still have work to do and could probably benefit from going through another round of EMDR sometime in the future but it was transformative. I was so grateful for Dr Carol D'Arsa in that conversation to explain trauma to me the way that she did, because it gave me a launching point and a starting point to really begin to realize this is an area I need to work on to become better and to heal so that I can show up better for the people in my life.

Speaker 1: 13:30

Another conversation that had a huge impact on me was one that I had more recently with Chandra Jarrett. Chandra I actually heard speaking at a local event where I live in Tennessee, and she was a powerhouse of a woman. I ended up having her in a more recent episode of the podcast and one of the things that she talked about was really wanting to understand how people who sit across from us view us and thinking what is it to be on the other side of me, and I thought that's such a great question and it's not really one I think about often until I had my conversation with Chandra. Her recommendation was that I send out an email to 20 people that I highly valued and respected in my life and ask them what are three words that you think of or that come to mind when you think of me, and then asking where in my life do you think I could use some feedback, like, what areas do you think I could improve in and what do you think I do? Well, I ended up doing this. I sent it to about 20, 25 people. About half of them responded, which I think is about right. I think the other half of the people didn't. They may have thought that this was a trap, but it wasn't a trap, and a lot of the answers that I got back were very enlightening, and not really surprising, but enlightening in the sense. Well, I'll get to that in a minute.

Speaker 1: 15:01

I got a lot of answers of driven. Like Kimberly, you're driven, you charge forward, you are really future thinking, you're a visionary All of these really great words which, honestly, are things that I again, I'm not surprised necessarily, because these are things that I strive to be, but here's where the key for it, for me, came in. It's then thinking about. Well then, what does it feel like to be on the other side of me If I'm driven all of the time. Do people feel like I don't care about them? Do they feel like I only care about hitting the goal, which I do care about winning? I do care about hitting the goal, but I would never want someone to feel like I care more about winning or hitting the goal than them and how they feel and how valued and worthy they are. And so it's really thinking through. There's great qualities that each and every one of us have and that would come to mind when people think of you.

Speaker 1: 16:04

But then the harder thing to do is to think through how does that come across and what can I do to make sure that, when people are sitting opposite of me, that they feel seen, that they feel loved, that they feel heard, and that is a great opportunity that I was honored, that Chandra encouraged me to do, and I encourage you to do something similar, because it allowed me to pause, which is not something I typically do, and to really think through how do I want to come across? And is that the words that people gave to me? Are those the things I want to be? Is that what I want to be known for, or do I have an opportunity now to begin to change things about myself so that people see me more in line with the kind of person I want to be? I can't remember and I didn't pull it up this morning to look at before doing this podcast I can't remember if anyone said anything like you're compassionate I think actually one person said compassionate or you're loving, or some of those words that actually are more of the reason that I'm so driven within me, but I don't know that those are always the things that people end up feeling when they interact with me. So it's been an opportunity for me to really sit back and ask myself how have I prioritized things in my life that maybe are not in line with the actual person I want to be? What are the ways I'm showing up in where I'm maybe not coming across the way I want to come across, and it's been a really helpful exercise for me.

Speaker 1: 17:49

In that same vein, another conversation I recently had with Mike Foster was one of my favorite conversations that I've had on the podcast. In our conversation, mike talks about his framework called the seven primal questions, and he believes that every single person falls into one of these seven categories of what their deepest emotional need or deepest emotional desire is, and it goes all the way from am I safe, am I secure, am I loved, am I wanted, am I successful, am I good enough and do I have purpose. In fact, I think those were all seven that he covers in his book and in the conversation in the podcast that we had. And what I loved about our conversation was he doesn't approach this idea of where you fall in one of these seven buckets, one of these seven questions, as a way of becoming a victim. It's not. Am I safe? And then I kind of sit and wallow in how I don't feel safe. In fact, why this conversation was one of my favorites is because he takes the stance that your primal question kind of to society. Now I loved this because I hate my primal question.

Speaker 1: 19:17

When we went through it and I said this is like the least one that I want to be of all of these and it was the question of am I successful and that really bothered me and you'll see it in the podcast. I become very uncomfortable at a couple of points because I thought the last thing that I want maybe the truth of the matter is the last thing that I want other people to think I care about is success, like it's not really a good attribute, it's not a virtue from scripture that we see we should care about, or anything else in the world. So I was like this is the worst one of any single one of them. Yet it is mine, and so what I loved about what Mike Foster said is he said it's not like Kimberly, maybe at your unhealthiest. I don't know if he worded it that way, but how I remember it is like Kimberly, maybe at your unhealthiest. That is maybe at your unhealthiest. That's what it is Like. Am I successful? Am I winning? Am I hitting the goal? Am I showing that there's fruit from the efforts that I put in? But at the healthiest, when it's like really the gift that I can give to society and anyone else in any of these is that I have a desire to help other people realize that they too can be successful. And it's not just about money and it's not just about winning. It's really because he asked me the question like what is the message that you want to give every single person? And I say it at the end of every single podcast I want people to know they are strong, that they are capable, that they are worthy of doing amazing things.

Speaker 1: 21:04

That is truly what fires me up. That is why I do this podcast. It's why I love the pies, because it gives us a framework that we can build off of, of how we are strong, how we can empower others, how we can do amazing things, and I believe that every single human being has the ability to do much more, incredibly more than you could ever imagine. I truly do believe that, and so when I'm in a good and healthy place, my primal question of am I successful? When I realize, okay, kimberly, I am successful. Now how can I empower other people to be successful too? But it's not just about me.

Speaker 1: 21:51

I loved in the interview how every single one of these questions for someone whose question is, am I safe? Their strength is helping other people to feel safe. For someone whose question is do I have purpose? Their strength is to help other people see and bring other people into having purpose and working out of that purpose. The person who has the question of, am I wanted? Their strength is inclusion and showing other people they are wanted and inviting them into the fold and into the mix People who feel like they aren't loved. Their strength can become that they love people so well, and I believe that that is what makes humanity beautiful. All of us have different emotional needs, but those emotional needs become the way that we can serve and love others well. Such a powerful podcast. I encourage you to go and to listen to it.

Speaker 1: 22:49

Now there's been a couple of episodes that I again have been amazed at the kinds of people that I've talked to. I have gotten to speak to Dr Helen Fisher, who is the head researcher at Matchcom. She's also been the pioneer in the field of limerence, in the field of romantic love and in the research that she's done there. I've gotten to speak with Dr John Gottman, who is one of the most renowned relationship and marriage experts and researchers in the entire world, and both of these conversations I'm going to talk about separately have been fascinating. I love speaking with people who are experts in their field, who have great research understanding and can speak on just a different level from even my own level in helping me understand how the world works. Now, both of these episodes, though in their own right had some controversy and had some things that I didn't even necessarily agree with, and some people sent in some emails. We're going to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 23:59

So the first episode I'll start with Dr Helen Fisher, a behavioral anthropologist. That is her background. So in the work that she has done as a social scientist, as a social anthropologist, that is her background. So in the work that she has done as a social scientist, as a social anthropologist, has really been to look into cultures and understand why people do some of the things they do. So amazing, fascinating conversation. I mean she spread a lot, or she gave a lot of insight into romantic love, into why we love, into how we love and so many things. But the other thing that she gave some insight into was why people may be driven to have multiple partners. So in this she was talking about how, in primitive ideology that men have a drive like, biologically men have a drive to want to spread their seed to multiple women because biologically it is have more of a drive to want to have multiple women as sexual partners because they want to have more children to ensure that their lineage lives.

Speaker 1: 25:25

Okay, I don't agree with this. I want to make this clear. I didn't make it clear enough in the podcast and I got some backlash on it. I don't agree. Let me say it this way I do agree that that is likely a motive that men have. I think that you can't really dispute that that may be a biological driver of why men may want to do that. Okay, great, I don't disagree with that. I don't agree that it's something that we should do. I don't agree that it's something that men should do, and I don't agree that it makes happy, healthy families.

Speaker 1: 26:05

But here's the thing, and this is what I believe we as a society in general miss all of the time in research. Research doesn't necessarily always tell us the right thing to do. Research simply tells us why people do what they do. Now, I don't know about you, but I know a lot of people who do things that are really stupid, and if we were to look at some of the research of some of these things, a person might conclude oh well, if the research says that people do this because they have a drive to do it, then we should all do it. No, that is like what my mom always said growing up If everyone else jumped off the bridge, would you? No? Now, when I was a teenager, I was like well, yeah, because then everyone would be dead and I wouldn't want to be alone, but no, we wouldn't right. When other people do stupid stuff, that doesn't mean that we all of it shouldn't mean. It should not mean that we all of a sudden go and do that thing too. But here's the thing. But here's the thing. Society normalizes and begins to think that things like having multiple partners this is not something like, if we look back over the past 100, 200 years ethical, non-monogamy polyamory like those were things that were not part of our culture. We don't agree or we didn't agree and I don't agree.

Speaker 1: 27:34

I clearly stand for monogamy for many, many reasons, not just because I'm a Christian although partly because I'm a Christian but also because I see the benefit of monogamy. When it comes to attachment styles, when it comes to long-term commitment in relationships, when it comes to raising children up in a healthy, stable home environment. All of the evidence points to the fact that monogamy is the best thing to do. For many reasons, however, people still are driven to want to have affairs. I realize that's a strong statement. People still are going to be attracted to other people and we still have to choose daily to commitment. We still have to choose daily to love our spouse. We still get to choose.

Speaker 1: 28:33

Dr Helen Fisher said a couple of controversial things, that being one of them, that probably being the main one and what I want people to understand is she wasn't saying that that was the right thing to do. She was simply saying that's what people do. She's just explaining human behavior. She's not directing human behavior, and there's a huge difference in that not directing human behavior and there's a huge difference in that. Overall, helen Fisher's brilliant. The work that she's done has been amazing. Her understanding even of how dopamine and serotonin and testosterone and estrogen can lead us to be attracted to certain people and not attracted to other people is fascinating, and you can learn way more about that in the conversation that she and I have together. Overall, though, fantastic conversation. Highly encourage you to go and listen to it.

Speaker 1: 29:25

Then I had a conversation well, actually before probably a year, year and a half before that conversation with Helen Fisher, I had the honor to speak with Dr John Gottman. One of my key takeaways from my conversation with him is I asked him the question what is the one thing that, if a couple does, this gives them the biggest opportunity of having a healthy, satisfying marriage? And I thought of a lot of things that his answer could be, but his answer shocked me when he said stay curious. Really, if you want a healthy, thriving, satisfying marriage, the main thing that you can do is to stay curious about your spouse when they wake up in the morning. Ask them what they dreamed about During the day. Ask them what their dreams are. What do they want for their future.

Speaker 1: 30:20

So many times we stop being curious about our spouse. We assume that we know everything about them. But if you think back to when you were dating, you were so curious about your spouse. I remember my husband and I when we were dating played the question game all the time and it's exactly as it sounds. I would ask a question, he would answer. He would ask a question, I would answer. The only rule was we couldn't ask the other question immediately. So if I asked him a question that he wanted to know my answer to, he still had to think of his own question first before it got back to him a second time. Then he could use my question and we learned so much about each other and we asked all kinds of questions.

Speaker 1: 31:06

And then, like with many couples, when we get married, we get into a routine, that newness and novelty can feel like it begins to wear off. We begin to think that we know everything about our spouse. If you think back to even the past year of your life, you've changed. All of us have changed. How much more have we changed? For even just thinking of me and my husband, over the past 14 years that we've been together, we've changed so much.

Speaker 1: 31:36

We've recently started playing the question game again and the questions have for sure changed, because when we were dating, it was questions like where do you want to live? What do you want to be when you grow up? How many kids do you want to have? To which both of us said five. And now that we have two, we're like what were we thinking? Said five. And now that we have two, we're like what were we thinking? But you get what I'm saying. All of those questions are still great questions to ask, even into your marriage, even after you have kids, even after you do have a career, because again those answers can change. But we've started playing a question game. We're actually using a card deck right now and one of the questions that we asked last night so now every night before bed now and one of the questions that we asked last night. So now every night before bed we just pull one of the questions and we ask each other that question and kind of let it simmer with us. And so last night the question was when was the last time that you experienced something miraculous or unexplainable and we ended up having a great conversation, and when would we have ever thought to ask each other that question? But we learn a lot about each other even in continuing to be curious and to ask questions.

Speaker 1: 32:50

Now, similarly, there was a controversial point in Dr Gottman's interview. I don't remember if I asked him about monogamy or how it came up, but monogamy did come up. I may have asked him the question and his answer was and I think I worded it something like do you believe that monogamy is important for marriage? Something like that. His response was it is a high risk behavior to not be monogamous, but couples should talk about whether or not that's something they want to explore. He said, if I'm going to paraphrase, not being monogamous is incredibly risky to the future of your marriage, which I would a hundred percent agree with. Incredibly risky. Now he took it one step further to say but talk about it, make sure you're on the same page either way.

Speaker 1: 33:54

Now here's where I would add elements of caution. I don't necessarily disagree. I think you and your spouse should have that conversation. I think you should have that conversation before you get married because you really need to understand if the person that you're married to in the future is going to try and have a threesome or like the new show that's on TV, from couple to thruple, like you may want to just make sure you're on the same page about monogamy. But I also understand and it's especially becoming more common that in relationships, in marriages, into the marriage, there may be a spouse who comes and says that they want to try swinging or try an open marriage. Here is my word of caution.

Speaker 1: 34:41

Because of the work that I also do at Marriage Helper, we have had so many people come to us after trying an open marriage, devastated because it has ruined their lives, stated because it has ruined their lives. I do think that you should have open conversations and be on the same page about monogamy and I do really encourage you to stay monogamous, even though it might sound enticing and exciting and alluring to bring another person into the relationship, to try new things sexually. Here's what I know. I know to be true. When you bring someone else into your marriage, it erodes your marriage, it erodes trust, it erodes passion, it erodes intimacy, it erodes your own self-esteem and it erodes your future. It will mess with the person that you are. You will turn into someone else and it probably will not be someone you like. Dsa, when it comes to discussions of whether or not to be monogamous, separate from my belief and of course, I do have strong religious beliefs about monogamy as well that people will love to debate me on. They will love it.

Speaker 1: 36:10

There's another video that Dr Joe and I did about ethical non-monogamy and several commenters under that video saying that we're just spouting religious beliefs, that there's so many benefits to ethical non-monogamy. They have their right to believe what they believe and I have the right to be right that. It hurts people, it hurts children, it hurts you. Please proceed with caution and I would encourage you to not do it. There's so many ways that you can grow in your marriage. You can re-spark the intimacy, you can re-spark the passion and I promise you, when you do it that way with the person that you have committed to for life, with your husband, with your wife, that you will ultimately have way more satisfaction, excitement, love than anyone who's doing it otherwise. So those are some of the controversial episodes that I've ended up having on the show, but I want to end with two of the most inspiring episodes that I've had the honor to have on the it Starts With Attraction podcast.

Speaker 1: 37:25

The first one is my conversation with the CEO of Charity Water, scott Harrison, and how he was a person who was a very successful nightclub owner. His lifestyle was one of those in which he was just chasing what felt good in the moment and ultimately he ended up realizing that nothing about that was satisfying. He ended up having a complete life turnaround and decided to commit his life to doing something to help other people, and with this began Charity Water. Charity Water has served so many places around the world to bring them clean water, because we in our Western world take for granted so many of the privileges and blessings that we have, like clean water privileges and blessings that we have like clean water.

Speaker 1: 38:19

And through our conversation, he told a couple of stories about going into other areas of the world and seeing how they were living, trying to bring clean water to them, and one of them that was the most heartbreaking was about a teenage girl who went one day with her bucket, walked forever to go and get clean water because that's how they have to do it in many parts of the world and on the way back, ended up as she was getting close to home, she ended up dropping this bucket of water. All of the clean water ended up falling onto the ground and she was so ashamed of what she had done and the fact that she didn't have enough energy to even go back and get more. This had completely wrecked her as a person. The only outcome that she saw for herself was to just kill herself, and that was her reality. Just kill herself, and that was her reality. And that's the reality of so many places around the world that you and I, if you have the ability to watch this video, you likely don't experience that on a day-to-day basis, and that story broke my heart, because there are people out there who need water, who need basic necessities, and how privileged are people like you and I to be able to help those other people that we may never know, that we will definitely never know, that we may never see to have one of their basic life needs met. I encourage you to find a cause that you're passionate about and invest in it. Give to it Out of your fruits can become someone else's life-saving line. Maybe it's charity water, maybe it's not, but I encourage you to really think through what you can do to give back to someone else who's in need.

Speaker 1: 40:18

The second inspiring conversation that I've had was with JT Olson, who is the founder of an organization called Both Hands. This organization has directly impacted my life. Both Hands was started I don't even know how many years ago now I think 15 years ago with the intention of helping widows and orphans, and it comes out of a verse in James 127 in the Bible that says that true religion is this it is helping the orphans and helping the widows. And so they said what if we started an organization that helped families who wanted to adopt children fundraise to bring their children home by serving widows in their local community? My husband and I partnered with both hands as we were going through our adoption process and ended up serving a widow in our community Through that service opportunity. We sent out a bunch of donation letters and, by the grace of God, ended up completely fundraising for our entire adoption process, which was such a godsend because at that time in our life we didn't have that extra money to fully fund our adoption. We were amazed that our adoption was fully funded and even had a little bit left over for us to give to another family that ended up bringing their child home in the future.

Speaker 1: 41:45

If you are considering adoption and funds are the issue, this is what I tell every single person Never let money hold you back from doing the right thing. God will provide. And if you are someone who is wanting to give to an organization who is doing amazing things and helping children come home, both Hands is an amazing mission. We were able to bring our children home and they've been home five years now. We've been able to give back and will continue to give back to Both Hands and the amazing work that they are doing. Through the work at Both Hands, they have served over 1,200 widows and helped bring over 2,000 children into their forever homes and have raised over $16 million for orphan care, which is a cause so near and so dear to my heart.

Speaker 1: 42:42

But the other thing I love about JT Olson is when he started Both Hands, he did it on a leap of faith. He walked away from a pretty financially lucrative and successful lifestyle because he felt God calling him to do this, to help orphans and to help widows, and because of his yes to God, over 3,000 lives of widows and orphans have been directly impacted. Now, that is a legacy to leave. So what is that legacy for you? What is it that you feel like God may be calling you into next, but you're scared because you don't see how it's going to work. I encourage you to take the leap of faith, even when you can't see it. It's even how Marriage Helper started.

Speaker 1: 43:39

When Marriage Helper started years ago, it was because Dr Joe Beam, also my dad, was very unfulfilled in a very financially successful job and he left it all. He left it all and he and my mom used all of their life savings to start Marriage Helper. And Marriage Helper had a lot of hard roads ahead. There were a couple of years that he and I both went without paychecks, but we were so dedicated to what could happen at Marriage Helper that we persevered in the midst of all hardship because we believed in the mission. And look at the legacy Marriage Helper has left now. We've served almost 25,000 couples just in the past 14 years and marriages have been saved and families have been kept together, all because one person said yes to what God was calling them to do. Yes to what God was calling them to do.

Speaker 1: 44:39

I love stories like that because it's an inspiration and I hope you find some inspiration into how you can begin not to just focus I mean a lot of these episodes we do focus on how to eat healthier, how to work out more, how to, you know, be emotionally available to people in your lives, and all of those are good because those are ways that we can become our best self. But it doesn't really matter that we become our best selves if we keep it all to ourselves. The goal is to make a difference in the world, to make an impact beyond what we ever thought was possible, and I believe every single one of you has a calling and has a purpose and has the ability to do that. So what's your next step? Those are my favorite episodes over the past 200. I would love to know what yours are. If you're watching this on YouTube, comment below what have been some of your favorite moments from the it Starts With Attraction show or podcast. And if you're listening on podcast on Apple Podcasts, spotify, wherever you listen again, please hit that follow button, but I'd love to hear from you on Instagram. You can find me at KimberlyBeamHolmes.

Speaker 1: 45:50

But before we go, I want to let you know that we've loved the past four years, but we foresee the podcast continuing to go for many, many more. You've already likely seen some of the changes that we've begun making in the show. We're having more solo episodes where I'm doing deep dives into research and into the science of certain things and some tips and tools that we can use to enhance our sleep, to shift our anxiety to where we're less anxious, and there's a lot more like that coming. In fact, those may not have even released yet by the time you're watching this, so keep your eye open. But we really want to bring an intentionality to the guests that we're bringing on the show, to the topics that we're covering, and we want to make sure, as always, that they are relevant to you, the listener. You're also seeing that there are some longer episodes.

Speaker 1: 46:42

We used to have some 20 or 30 minute episodes and you're likely now seeing that many of these are 45, 55, an hour. My solo episodes now are like an hour and a half. You know what. You don't have to listen to them all in one sitting. You can listen to them over a period of a couple of days, but we really want to give you depth into the topics that we're covering and make sure that we are delivering to you the best possible content in the areas surrounding the pies that we can. So I hope you begin to love the changes that we've made as we begin to bring on even more amazing guests, have even better episodes and ultimately, do even more inside of the podcast to help you become your best self physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for joining me the past four years. It would be nothing without you. Until next week, stay strong.