In This AMA episode of It Starts With Attraction dive deep with Kimberly Beam Holmes exploring the four pillars of the PIES Method – the key ingredients for drawing in and developing magnetic connections. The best part? They're all rooted in self-compassion and growth.
Embark on a journey of self-discovery, gently guided by the PIES Method. This framework can empower you to identify areas where your inner light might be dimmed, not with blame, but with a spirit of understanding and growth. Imagine yourself as a radiant beacon, and the PIES Method as a tool to help you fine-tune your frequency to attract fulfilling connections. With each step you take towards self-improvement, your inner magnetism strengthens, drawing those who resonate with your authentic self closer to you.
But this journey is about more than just attracting others. It's about attracting the right kind of connection, built on empathy and mutual respect.
That's why this episode also tackles:
This episode is a warm embrace, filled with actionable advice and uplifting stories. Together, you'll break free from feeling invisible and cultivate the inner spark that attracts the love and connection you desire. You are worthy, you are seen, and you have the power to ignite your magnetic attraction!
❓ SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS HERE 👇
https://bit.ly/4426pQX
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
Website: www.itstartswithattraction.com
Thanks for listening!
Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmes
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a review!
WE HAVE A NEW WEBSITE!!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
In This AMA episode of It Starts With Attraction dive deep with Kimberly Beam Holmes exploring the four pillars of the PIES Method – the key ingredients for drawing in and developing magnetic connections. The best part? They're all rooted in self-compassion and growth.
Embark on a journey of self-discovery, gently guided by the PIES Method. This framework can empower you to identify areas where your inner light might be dimmed, not with blame, but with a spirit of understanding and growth. Imagine yourself as a radiant beacon, and the PIES Method as a tool to help you fine-tune your frequency to attract fulfilling connections. With each step you take towards self-improvement, your inner magnetism strengthens, drawing those who resonate with your authentic self closer to you.
But this journey is about more than just attracting others. It's about attracting the right kind of connection, built on empathy and mutual respect.
That's why this episode also tackles:
This episode is a warm embrace, filled with actionable advice and uplifting stories. Together, you'll break free from feeling invisible and cultivate the inner spark that attracts the love and connection you desire. You are worthy, you are seen, and you have the power to ignite your magnetic attraction!
❓ SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS HERE 👇
https://bit.ly/4426pQX
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
Website: www.itstartswithattraction.com
Thanks for listening!
Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmes
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a review!
WE HAVE A NEW WEBSITE!!
Visit www.itstartswithattraction.com to check it out!
In today's episode we're going to be answering a bunch of questions that people typically have when it comes to how we can work on becoming our healthiest and best selves by working on the four areas of attraction, which are physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. So today we have several questions queued up in the realm of fitness, nutrition, relationships, sex and more, excited to jump in. Today, as many of you know, we have some new types of episodes that we're doing on the it Starts With Attraction podcast. We've been doing guest interviews for years and I always love the amazing guests that I get to talk to. It's one of my favorite things that I get to do. I speak to some amazing people and then we also do solo episodes where it's me and our research assistant helps to create the research and the tactics and the topics that we're going to focus on for those episodes, and we dig deeper into certain topics, like the top 10 biggest workout myths or sleep or anxiety.
Speaker 1:And then we have episodes like today, where it's an ask me anything. We're going to be doing more of these in the future, so please submit your questions. If you're watching this on YouTube, submit them in the link below. If you're listening to this as a podcast, then please find a way like go to YouTube, find the video, put some questions in. We would love to hear more of your questions. You can also follow me on Instagram at KimberlyBeamHolmes and direct message me your questions at any time and we will collect those for upcoming Ask Me Anything episodes. Many of you have seen our producer join the it Starts With Attraction show over the past couple of weeks and he's joining me again today. Welcome, jason.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:He's going to be asking the questions on today's episode as well as providing context or further clarification, really to just make sure that I give the best answer that I can for each question. That's the goal. Well, let's dive into today's episode.
Speaker 1:All right, so first question what area of the pies is the best to start with? I love this question and I can come at this from several different areas, so we can approach this from if you're looking at. Well, actually, here's how we're going to approach this. The best answer to this question is what is your goal? So every person is going to be different and you likely feel like you need to focus more on one area of the pies in your life right now versus another, and so that would be my answer. We actually have, if you go to the website, there's a free attraction assessment that you can take. But when you go to the website, you can actually download attraction assessment that you can take. But when you go to the website, you can actually download this free assessment and then take the test, and it can help you understand which area of your pies physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual that you are the lowest in, and it can help you give insight to. Hmm, maybe that's the area that I should focus on first, because it's the low-hanging fruit, it's where you can kind of get the most bang for your buck. So that is what I would say is one of the best ways to look at it If you know you're struggling in intellectual attraction, where you just really haven't been focusing on learning or opening up your mind to new things or having new hobbies.
Speaker 1:If you really feel like you're just stuck in a rut, then perhaps intellectual attraction is where you need to start. If you feel like the relationships in your life are suffering and you're struggling, then emotional attraction is likely the best place for you to start. If you feel like you aren't sleeping well, you aren't eating well, you just physically feel like you don't have the energy to get through your day on a day-to-day basis, then physical is likely where you need to start. And then for spiritual. If you feel like you're lacking purpose, lacking clarity, lacking direction, or if you're a person of faith and you feel like you haven't spent time with God in a while, then spiritual is likely your best place to start. So start with asking yourself what is your goal and, aligned with that, where is the area in which you are likely struggling with? And let that be the first place that you start with in your pies. Now, if I was answering the question, which isn't exactly the question that was asked, but if the question was asked of which is the most important part of the pies, then I have two answers for that. I know you're thinking how can you have two answers for the most important? Well, hear me out.
Speaker 1:There's two ways that we look at working on our pies.
Speaker 1:The first way we look at working on our pies is becoming the best we can be for us, so that we can show up as our best selves in every other area of life that is demanding of us, so that we can show up best in our marriage, in our relationships, in our work, in whatever else we do.
Speaker 1:And so that is a very self-care, focused way to approach the pies. And from that area of working on the pies, I would say it's important that you start with physical, because when your physical self, your sleep, your nutrition, your exercise, when it's all out of whack, it's hard to have the mental clarity or the physical stamina and energy to really even focus on the rest of them. Now I also realize that I might have a bias towards that, because I am very interested already in fitness, nutrition and all of those things, but I also am very biased in that because it is the one part that I never used to focus on. Actually, my husband and I were having this conversation last night and the question we have this card deck and it just has questions like questions of connections on it. And last night the question that we pulled out was what is something that when you first met me you were unsure about and why? And my husband's answer was when he first met me 13 years ago, he was unsure about my level of fitness.
Speaker 1:Oh which is hilarious.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Now it's hilarious. But back then I never, like I didn't work out, I didn't know that we were supposed to eat like a certain amount of calories a day and when I found out the number like two thousand to twenty five hundred I laughed because I thought it was a joke. I would drink soft drinks, like I was very different 13 years ago than where I am now and I was really struggling with anxiety, with depression, with having energy, like I didn't value sleep. In fact I kind of viewed life as you'll sleep when you're dead and I pushed myself to stay up late, to get up early, not at all like the person I am now. And I would say that my evolution into working on the pies and just learning and growing and trying to be the best I can for every relationship and every demand of me that's out there physical has been a huge part of that.
Speaker 1:But if I was going to answer that question of which is the most important part of the pies to start with from the sense of relationships, then I would say, well, in a relationship, the most important part of your pies is your emotional attraction.
Speaker 1:So you're kind of juggling different parts of this. We work on our pies, first and foremost for ourselves, and so it's important to have clarity on the area, personally, that you need to focus on. But then there might be a different area of your pies that you need to work on when it comes to really having the best relationships interpersonally with other people, because that has to do with how you're showing up to them, not just how you're pouring into yourself and making sure your own physical, intellectual and emotional and spiritual boxes are filled, but also like how is it that the people in my life need me to show up for them and what can I do to better bring our relationship together and get closer and show them that I love them and evoke those positive emotions within them and emotional is always the most important when it comes to our relationships. So that was a convoluted answer to the first question, jason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean, you answered it well and I think the most important thing for people to realize is that, like you said, it's not. It could differ from person to person because, like, if you already, if you're doing a really good job on your physical you know, area of your pies, then maybe you're struggling in a different area, and so if you're struggling with your intellectual or emotional, then that's probably the best place to start.
Speaker 1:Yep, Absolutely. You know, I would say right now I probably am struggling the most with my intellectual attraction Personal, like when it comes to filling my own cup, because I I don't really take the time. I have not been prioritizing taking the time to disconnect from regular work and just learn or read about something that's not expected of me, so in the sense of, like, I'm doing my PhD and so I'm constantly reading research articles for that, but I wouldn't count that. I wouldn't count that, and I actually think it's something that I should prioritize more of right now, even just because there's also this part of intellectual. When we focus on that intellectual part of attraction where we get to, it's a way to pour into ourselves and learning about the things that we just truly want to and not the things we feel like we have to.
Speaker 1:So it's not coming at it from the place only of I need to learn this and do this so that I will succeed or excel, but I just want to learn this and do this because I want to, and there's something nice about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely that's. Intellectual is actually my favorite area of the pies. It's, I guess, my strongest area of the pies. Um, it's I guess my strongest area, but I probably struggle the most with physical and emotional, so I need to get to work on those.
Speaker 1:We all have areas we can work on.
Speaker 2:Absolutely All right. Next question how do you pick out a workout plan when the internet is riddled with so many?
Speaker 1:so many. Oh my gosh, there's so many. And what's even worse is that all of these influencers or Instagrammers or YouTubers or whoever who have all these different workout plans, all have these insane looking bodies. And I have seen so many where I think, no, you did not just do that. You say that that was all you did, but, like, physically you had to do more, or you're taking steroids, like there's something more that you did on top of that.
Speaker 1:Here's how you can go about picking out the best workout plan. It's kind of similar to the answer to the last question. You need to start with what is your goal? So, are you looking to get strong? Are you looking to get fat fast? Are you looking to get lean? Are you looking to lose weight? Are you looking to get fat fast? Are you looking to get lean? Are you looking to lose weight? Are you looking to gain muscle? Like, what is your goal?
Speaker 1:And the difficult part about that is that a lot of times especially for people who are beginners or just now getting comfortable or getting their foot in the door of working out is you don't know what your goal is, and that's okay too. So if you're a beginner and your goal is just to get started working out and to get consistent with working out, then my encouragement to you would be to find a workout plan that you can finish, that you can adhere to and that you can finish. So I would not go for a workout plan that's five or six days a week and has a ton of barbell work or dumbbell work or kettlebell work, because your body isn't going to be conditioned to handle that and you are likely going to give up because if you get so sore that you have to skip a day, then you're not actually adhering to consistency, and the consistency when you're trying to begin a new habit is the most important thing for you to focus on. So try and find a workout that's made for beginners. Body weight is perfect. A walking workout is perfect. Do something that, even if you feel like it's too easy. I would rather you adhere to the side of ease and consistency as opposed to pushing yourself and either getting hurt or just getting demotivated because of how sore you are. You can always build upon your foundation.
Speaker 1:I mean, I remember, as I said earlier, when I began working out 13 years ago. It was I just joined the Y. I didn't know what else to do. So I just joined the YI, knew that they had classes and I just went to some of the classes. The goal was to just get comfortable going to the gym, get comfortable working out and get comfortable with certain types of movements.
Speaker 1:Now, from there, my exercise regimen has changed drastically, year after year. I did CrossFit for a period of time, I did yoga for a period of time. Now I'm doing more of like a metabolic conditioning zone, two type of training, and actually now I'm prioritizing a lot of cardio, because it's not something that I've ever prioritized in the past, and the research that I've been listening to and reading about more recently about VO2 max and which is just the kind of the number that tracks cardio output, is something that's really important for longevity and for long-term health, and so that's something that is important to me and so it's a goal for me. So I'm prioritizing cardio. I'm still doing a lot of strength training in that, but it's become more convoluted as I go, and if you try and start there, I would not recommend you do that as a beginner. If you're trying to start, like with where someone who's been exercising for 13 years is, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Speaker 1:Now, if you're more of an intermediate exerciser or an advanced exerciser you've been doing this for a while then you probably do have answers to the questions of what is your goal?
Speaker 1:Are you trying to prioritize muscle gain? Are you trying to prioritize a certain type of movement like a a posterior chain, because you feel like your posterior chain is weak? That's something that I've been focusing on the past couple of years with pull-ups, with deadlifts. Those are something that I don't lift as heavy on my deadlift as I do my back squat, which shows that there's a discrepancy. So do some tests where you actually go through and look at or assess different parts like how fast can you run, how much can you squat, how much can you deadlift, see where the discrepancies are in your own body, and then maybe that's where you want to prioritize, depending on the kind of athlete or the kind of exerciser you want to be.
Speaker 1:So all of that to say, there's a lot out there on different types of workouts.
Speaker 1:You'll see a bunch of different people touting a bunch of amazing things about theirs, but really what I would encourage you to do is start with where you are, ask yourself what your goal is and then pick a workout program that aligns with what you actually want to achieve. And I think it's even better for any of those along the way if you actually do something in person, something with other people, where there's a trainer, someone who is skilled and knowledgeable in how your form is supposed to be, how you're supposed to feel, whether you're pushing yourself too much or not enough. Nothing no online courses or trainers can replace the value of someone in person who can really help you to really get to that next step of where you are. But, at the same time, that doesn't mean that you should feel like you only have to do that. If you would rather go to the gym alone and just kind of follow a program, that's great as well. Just make sure that you're finding something that's not crazy and going to end up hurting you more than it's helping you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the Internet is obviously filled with a ton of social media influencers that spread all these myths and stuff, and if you want to actually learn more about the top 10 workout myths that's right, yeah, we actually just recorded an episode on the top 10 workout myths. Uh, so if you're watching on YouTube, you can actually click right here on this little box and then I'll take you to that video. Or if you are listening on podcasts, you can click in the description and go and listen to that episode.
Speaker 1:You can tell that Jason is our YouTube producer because he knew where to point over which shoulder and he didn't even have to think about it. It was just I don't. I don't even know which one you did, I never get it right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, always the left.
Speaker 1:Always the left.
Speaker 2:Yep, okay. Next question how do you match intellectual attraction with your spouse or significant other when your interests are opposite?
Speaker 1:So this question was actually submitted by one of our team members in the office and I hope he won't mind me sharing this. This was his exact question. After he asked that, that was his first part of the question. Then it went into so like, for example, let's say, your wife loves Disney and you absolutely hate Disney, but your bedroom has turned into a retail Disney store. How do you actually connect on the things that both of you like when one of you doesn't like it? And I love this question because how many times, if you're in a relationship, you know this good and well, even if you're just thinking about your relationship with your kids, if you have kids, then you understand there are things that the people in your life love that may absolutely drive you up the wall. My daughter loves Pokemon, loves it, wants to watch it, wants to talk about it and, if we're going to be real, it's not something I'm interested in. My husband absolutely loves dressing up as a knight for Renaissance festivals and because I love my husband, I have partaken in some of these festivities in the past, because here's the bottom line of it Intellectual attraction, when it comes to our relationship with others, is all about being able to talk with and have fun with people that we love doing things that they love, or them doing things with us that we love.
Speaker 1:So there's a give and take to this. There's a compromise. We tend to be more intellectually attracted to people who share similar interests and hobbies as we do, however, attracted to people who share similar interests and hobbies as we do. However, we're never going to have all the same hobbies as the people that we love. So then the question comes back to us, because the only people that we can control are ourselves. So if you have someone you love who loves Disney, loves Pokemon, loves dressing up and going to Renaissance festivals, as an example, loves dressing up and going to Renaissance festivals, as an example, then my encouragement to you would be go and do those things with the people you love. And here's why Because when they see that you care enough to go and do this with them or spend time with them in talking about this or researching this with them, or just asking them what they love so much about it, they are going to. This goes into emotional attraction some. You're going to evoke some positive emotions within them. They are going to feel like you really care about them and about their likes and their interests, it's going to increase the attraction they feel toward you. And the long goal that you have here is when they see I mean the majority of the time when someone sees that you give a crap about them and their interest, they are much more likely to reciprocate. So if I go to the Renaissance Festival with my husband, he is way more likely to agree to try salsa dancing classes with me.
Speaker 1:And that is how we do relationships. We find how we can compromise. We show up for the people that we love in the spaces and the areas in which they will feel loved. So when you do that, the other person is much more likely to also want to show you that they appreciate you and then spend time with you. Now, that's also not to say that they're just going to organically then spend time with you. Now, that's also not to say that they're just going to organically, randomly, out of their own accord, one day come in and say let's go do this one thing you love to do.
Speaker 1:You may still have to ask. You may still have to say hey, what about next weekend? We go and do this thing that I love to do and that I would love to share with you. I love hiking, I love working out, I love trying new things like cooking classes, painting classes, salsa classes. My husband would much rather do dinner and a movie. Stay consistent. He likes his routine. But when I go to the dinner and the movie with him, he's way more likely the next weekend to say, okay, you pick this weekend. And here's the other thing I just have to say because I've pick this weekend. And here's the other thing I just have to say because I've talked to so many, particularly women but it can be men too who will say well, if I know they're not going to like it, then I just don't even want to bring it up.
Speaker 1:If your spouse or your loved one, your significant other, if you have not been selfish where you've been like forcing them to do everything you want to do, and if you've actually been participating in the things that they want to do, it is not selfish for you to take full advantage of. When your spouse or loved one or significant other says you pick what we do this weekend, that means you pick what you do this weekend, so do something that you actually want to do. I see so many times people end up resentful because they feel like they're always doing what their significant other wants to do, but you never get to do what you want to do. But when you really get down to the nitty gritty of it, you haven't even asked, you haven't even put it as an option for the two of you to do together. So don't try and create resentment where there doesn't have to be.
Speaker 1:It's okay to state what you want to do and then work together to make that happen. So the bottom line how do you match each other on intellectual attraction? You first show interest in what your significant other's intellectual attraction is and what they enjoy doing. Then you invite them to participate with you in the things that you enjoy doing and it creates this give and take compromising relationship to where you're going to actually end up having way more fun because both of you are going to get a little more interested and show and have more to talk about, because you're doing way more interesting things together than if the two of you just shared all of the same hobbies.
Speaker 2:Like you said, relationships just all in all is a give and take, it's a compromise, and when we're talking about attraction, it's. It's no different here.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:So next question kind of goes back. It's along the same lines of the workout plan question. A lot of influencers, a lot of people on the internet talk about diets and dieting. What's the best one to follow?
Speaker 1:The best diet to follow is the one that you want to do and the one that you will adhere to, similar to the workout plans. There's so many out there, and I was actually just listening to a podcast this past week where the PhD doctorate that was talking about diets and eating plans said something that I hadn't ever intentionally noticed, but once he said it I was like oh yeah, that's absolutely true. We change our workout structure all I mean throughout our life. We're not consistently doing the exact same workouts week after week after week after week, and so it's also okay for our eating habits to change and the things that we're trying when it comes to our nutrition, because while we are creatures of habit, we're also creatures of novelty, and that's okay. So you're not likely going to eat the same way every single week of your life, and a lot of people can get really stuck because we have a lot of things we've heard or that we've seen that tell us that we should not be eating this or we should be eating that. I mean, I've definitely been victim to eliminating entire food groups because, for whatever reason, I believed it was unhealthy, like gluten or dairy.
Speaker 1:I followed a very strict paleo diet for about eight years of my life, to the point and I shared about this in a very early episode of the podcast where I really struggled with disordered eating. For, I mean, for eight years I was terrified. It wasn't just that I was choosing to, you know, it wasn't just oh, but if it kind of gets in my food, everything's fine. No, I was terrified to the point I wouldn't go to certain events or go into certain social situations because the thought of possibly eating bread or a tortilla terrified me and I didn't know what it was going to do to my body. So I avoided every single situation. Not a healthy place to be. Now I am so the opposite of that. Where I do, I kind of eat a little bit of anything that I'm craving, but I try not to go overboard with it.
Speaker 1:So then, what is the best eating plan to follow? I love that so much more than saying the word diet, because we're not always trying to lose weight. You actually shouldn're not always trying to lose weight. You actually shouldn't always be trying to lose weight, because our body should never be in a consistent calorie deficit mode. That's where you can really get some health issues increased cortisol that can cause even further health issues. So we don't want to do that. There should be periods of time where you go into a calorie deficit for like eight or 12 weeks, but then you need to come out of the calorie deficit. You need to eat normally.
Speaker 1:And so think about what is your goal? Are you trying to feel better? Are you trying to lose weight? Are you trying to eat more protein? What is the thing that you're trying to accomplish? And then, what is the way of eating that is wholesome and includes a lot of fruit, a lot of vegetables, a lot of protein that you can adhere to to help you meet those goals?
Speaker 1:There's a lot of great diets out there. The Mediterranean diet has been studied for years and has a lot of great research around it. That's a fascinating one and a fantastic one to follow. If you're wanting to really adhere to something specific Paleo diet if you don't go overboard with how crazy and neurotic some people like myself can be about it then I think it's a great diet. It really emphasizes whole foods, it emphasizes protein. But you may want more carbs than that, because maybe you're working out a lot and you need those carbohydrates to support the amount of lifting you're doing or the amount of running that you're doing. So you really need to think about what is it your body needs, what are your goals of what you're trying to accomplish, and then what is the eating plan that can help you meet that, while prioritizing healthy foods? That's really the bottom line of it. So pick what's going to work best for you.
Speaker 1:Sometimes people like to take an all or nothing approach, but the problem with that is and when I say an all or nothing approach, I mean they want to say I'm going to eat.
Speaker 1:I'm either going to only eat these things, like only eat a carnivore diet, or I'm not going to be able to adhere to it at all.
Speaker 1:Well, here's the problem with that. When you get in the mindset of severe restriction to complete food groups like I did when I was very strict paleo for several years then when the floodgates open and you do, for whatever reason, in a moment of low willpower or temptation, when you eat that bite of cake or you have that piece of cheesecake, or you eat that sourdough bread, you're more likely to completely binge because your mentality has said that that's forbidden. So then, the minute that you have it, you want to eat as much of it as you can, because it's forbidden. You don't know when you're going to have this opportunity again, and that's where this yo-yo dieting comes in. That's where people struggle with losing weight and then gaining it all back because they haven't done something that's been sustainable for them. So really try to be mindful of choosing an eating pattern, an eating plan that is sustainable, that isn't going to create opportunities where you're going to want to binge, that allows you to get the nutrients that you need while also hitting the health goals that you're wanting to hit.
Speaker 2:So it's very, very similar to how do you pick out a workout plan. And it's it all goes back to what are your goals?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean for all these questions almost.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's true for all of them. What are your goals?
Speaker 1:What are you trying to accomplish? Yeah, and we're trying the thing about social media in this is that we? See so many other people and what they're doing that we just try and take their goals on as our own and we're all made differently and have different body compositions, have different things that we're actually wanting to focus on, which makes it difficult to adhere to anything when it's someone else's goal, not mine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause what works for one person might not work for you, so yeah.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:So next question what do you do when you and your spouse have differences in sexual needs?
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is a great question and the this specific question, when it was asked earlier, it was asked from the standpoint of there's a couple, they've been married a couple of years and the wife still isn't fully comfortable with sex, and the husband, that is his primary way of trying to connect with his wife on an intimate level. And so what do you do? What do you do when you're in a relationship, in a marriage, where both of you have different wants, needs, desires, all of those things, and sex in general, can be a difficult conversation to talk about, even if you've been married for decades, because, at its core, sex is the most vulnerable that we become with another person, and so the fear of rejection is there, the fear of what if I say something and they judge me for it one way or another. There's a lot of fear that can go into it. But it's also very important to have intentional conversation about wants, needs and desires in your sex life, and that's where I would start. And it's best not to start having a conversation about sex, like in the middle of having sex or even afterward. It's really best to do it at a time completely separate, you know, the next day or the day before, whatever that might be, or on a date night that you're having together, when both of you are in a comfortable place, mentally, physically, and there's not a lot of stress happening, and then just talk about your sex life, maybe asking questions like what are your favorite things that we do? Or when we have sex, what do you ideally want that to look like, what is the most pleasurable for you, and having both people answer those questions to really get an idea of how each person feels about sex. Now, probably from the get-go, you're not going to really get into all of the nitty-gritty of it because, again, sex is a difficult conversation to talk about, even with your spouse, so you're probably not fully going to get into, like in the example of this couple, where the wife still doesn't really enjoy sex, she might have some inhibitions, she may have something that happened to her in the past that has made her uncomfortable when having sex, that she needs to work through, and she may not feel safe or comfortable enough to share that even with her own husband yet yet. But as long as the husband in this case. But it's important for both genders, both ways, as long as the husband can be cognizant that there's something there.
Speaker 1:Typically, when someone doesn't enjoy sex, there's some deep reason why, whether it's a physical difficulty in terms of like there's pain or there's an inhibition that an inhibition means that they were brought up a certain way, to believe a certain thing about sex. This typically happens when people grow up in Christian homes or religious homes and they're told that sex is something that they should not do till they're married. So they have this view of sex like it's bad, it's bad, I shouldn't do it. And then there can be guilt. Even when you end up getting married, there can be guilt that comes after you have sex. Even though, like it's good and you're supposed to that, you can still feel this like guilt or shame. And so it's important to be conscious that everyone has an emotion around sex and a worldview and a schema, like a self schema, of how they view themselves as a sexual being, and so it's important to tread lightly and lovingly.
Speaker 1:Anytime you're having a conversation about sex with your spouse, you must be incredibly respectful and not say anything about how you wish they were better or wish they were different, because that is going to completely ruin their self-esteem, especially in that area. But you do want to have a conversation where you're able to say the things you enjoy and the things you would like to see more of, and the things that maybe you would like to see happen for the first time that you haven't explored together yet. So try and make it as conversational and lighthearted as possible, while also focusing on being able to talk about what it is you would like to see happen or what you would like to do, and at the end, like after you have sex with your spouse, it's also great like maybe not in that moment. But remember there's a general principle in psychology that what we reward what is what gets repeated. So if there was something that you particularly enjoyed in that encounter, it's important that you let your spouse know that, because what gets rewarded is what gets repeated.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot more that we could go into in that, but in general it's communication, empathy and understanding, even when you may not know specifically what the understanding is from the other person. If they haven't shared with you why they have weird feelings around sex, assume there's something there. Not that they're necessarily hiding something from you. They may not even know how to vocalize it. It may just be the way that they think about sex, so assume that there's something there that's leading them to feel a certain way. Tread lightly with love and try and make the conversations and the act of having sex together as fun as you can.
Speaker 2:How do I work on my pies when I'm burnt out?
Speaker 1:Burnout is real and it's common. And if here are some symptoms of burnout, if you're beginning to feel like you are dreading your normal day-to-day routine, if you feel uninspired, easily distracted, like you can't find focus, these are some signs that you could be burnt out. And so if you're feeling burnt out, then it may be a time for you to reevaluate, specifically in the terms of your pies working on yourself, physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It may be time to evaluate your current pies routine and maybe it's time to switch it up for a period of time so that you can get reinvigorated in a new way. So it may mean that if you typically work out a lot, maybe you need to take a couple of weeks maybe four, maybe eight to work out in a completely different way. Or maybe it's a time for you to go a lower intensity in your workouts because your body is trying to tell you you need rest. So if you're burnt out, how can you use the pies as a framework to incorporate more rest into your life? So, intellectually, it may mean that you do less studying or courses trying to get ahead and you do more intellectual activities that are lower key, slower paced, you read a fiction book or you do more mindfulness activities, you do something to really slow down your mind and maybe focus on more breathing techniques and just really focus on how can you fill yourself up in a way that will help you feel reinvigorated emotionally.
Speaker 1:This is a great time for you to be supported. So find your support group that will encourage you, that will pray for you, that will kind of not let you just be the person to figure out what y'all are going to do and be the leader of getting things done. But try and find a support group of friends, of people, small group at church that you can just kind of go along for the ride so that you can be poured into. And then, spiritually, it's a great time to journal, it's a great time to pray, it's a great time to really again just slow down the pace and seek what the next step for you is.
Speaker 1:Because here's the truth you cannot push yourself through a burnout. You need to do something different. You need to do something different. And if your body is telling you to rest and trust me, I am the worst at listening to my body when it says to rest, I try and just discipline it into action, but when your body says rest. It's telling you that for a reason, and you need to rest. You will come back after your period of rest more invigorated, reinvigorated and ready to do new things. That's the key here. So how can you use your pies to help you recover from being burnt out, so that you can come back stronger than you were before?
Speaker 2:It's basically practicing mindfulness. Yeah, that's really what it boils down to.
Speaker 1:And maybe getting a massage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe that too, maybe that too, maybe that too. You don't want to stay in, in being burnt out for too long, cause it can I mean it can have negative health side effects too.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:So next question what are the most emotionally unattractive things that someone can do?
Speaker 1:What do you think some of them are?
Speaker 2:Honestly, when people are like really closed off, like someone that you're like close to, but it's also like just emotionally unavailable and closed off. That's really annoying.
Speaker 1:It is annoying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's really hard to it is really hard.
Speaker 1:So define emotionally unavailable.
Speaker 2:It seems like they're focused on their emotions, almost, but only to them. They won't open up and let you in and try and help in certain areas, or or they're not even open to hearing anything about your emotions or anything that's going on in your life.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Stuff like that. I mean, that's almost like a one-sided relationship at that point. Yeah right.
Speaker 1:Because the emotional connection is an important part of a relationship. It's the most important part of a relationship and we use the magnet example at times to talk about our own pies. So if I am my best self and working on being as attractive as I can be when that magnet is on the end, that pulls when if there's another magnet near it, then like you can't, you can hardly keep it from from going to that other magnet. But that's the other thing. The other magnet has to be open as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It has to be at the right place for it to come together.
Speaker 2:Cause.
Speaker 1:if not, it's going to push it away, yeah that's right, and so I think that's a great one. Emotional unavailability is, for sure, something that would push someone away and evoke negative emotions within them that they don't enjoy feeling. When I thought of this question, I thought of it more in terms of I actually was thinking about cell phones.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:I was because I think about how easy it is in normal day-to-day life with a person and you can be, you know, in a meeting at lunch, on the couch at the end of the day doing this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And someone can be talking to you and you're not even looking at them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And what? Ends up happening over time is it degrades your connection with the other people yeah connection with the other people.
Speaker 1:So I've noticed this a lot with my kids. When I like I'll come home, open up Slack on my phone and start doing work stuff, like at the end of the day, and they're like, mom, you're always on your phone, like, oh, I hate that, I don't want their memory of me to be. I'm always on my phone because they take that, and it's not just I'm always on my phone because they take that, and it's not just I'm always on my phone, it's that I'm not available. So it's kind of actually the same thing. I'm not emotionally available to them because I'm in this other world. And it is so common in today's society. And I think it got worse after 2020 because we were all working from home. So now we, especially for people who work from home, where's the line where you shut it off? Where do you become? When do you become totally available to your family? And it's very difficult for people to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and like you were saying, especially post COVID, post 2020, because, I feel like that's when we really saw the shift of like everything that you can do on a computer, or like in person everything you can now do online on your phone through an app. Um, and prior to 2020, there were some things you could do, but like not like everything, but like zoom meetings were not common. No, not at all. I never I didn't know what zoom was until COVID hit.
Speaker 1:Isn't that crazy? Yeah, so that's what I mean. There's so many other things we could say to that but if I were to pick one that I believe is infiltrating everyone, everywhere and is so easy to miss, it would be that the lack of intentional like intentionally shutting off a phone and being completely present in the here and now with your family and your loved ones when you're with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a big one, that's a big one, that's a big one. All right, last question.
Speaker 1:Last question.
Speaker 2:How do you find time to work on your pies when life is just moving so fast?
Speaker 1:all of the time when life is fast, the first thing I believe someone should do is ask what are my priorities right now, and I'm am I really focusing? Do I need to be doing all the things that I am doing? And if I do, then actually I really think the majority of the time. If people were to look at everything that they're doing in their life, they can find probably 20% of it that they don't need to be doing at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So if you feel like you're just overwhelmed with life and everything's crazy and everything's busy, then my challenge to you would be you need to find 20% of the things you're doing and just stop doing them. This is really hard for control freaks Really hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you want to do everything, and it also might mean that you have to make some compromises or some exchanges, like you may end up realizing. You know what it takes me three hours to clean my apartment or my house every week, and maybe I should hire that out. And, yes, like it's going to cost money. But if you're able to buy back your time, your health, your relationship, connection, if you aren't even having the time to sit down and eat dinner with your family because you're too busy, you need to stop doing some things and delegate a ton of things. So what are those things going to be? And I feel like the majority of the time, people want to use money and say like, oh well, like I don't want to have to pay for that, okay, but you're sacrificing things that are worth way more than money, and I realize that that you know every person is different with their finances and with their income. But I believe every single person can give a long look at their day-to-day life and choose the things that they're just going to stop doing, that aren't worth it anymore and that they don't need to keep doing. And I realize that that's a hard thing to do. I realize, especially if you're a people pleaser, you may be the kind of person thinking I can't tell these people. No, you need to. If your health and your relationships are in an unhealthy place because of all the things that you're doing, you have to find a way to change your life to where you're not busy. Now you also might be saying, like, maybe you're an accountant and it's tax season and so this is seasonal and you've planned or you know it's coming. Okay, there is sometimes a season where life is crazy, but if it turns into where the season of crazy and busyness never ends, then it's not a season, it's your new normal, and you need to not make that your new normal. You need to make some changes. So what are you going to change? So then, how do you work on your pies? You still need to prioritize filling up your own cup so that you can give to others. Find what you're going to stop doing. Find the things that you can delegate, maybe things that you can do differently.
Speaker 1:But I always start and I know this might sound selfish. It doesn't come from a selfish place, but when I'm looking at my weeks and my days, my first parts that I plan are the times around my pies. Everything else has to fit into that. Maybe that's something you need to do too, including your family time. Put your family time in a calendar as well as when you're going to work out, when you're going to read your Bible, when you're going to read your you know a fiction book or a nonfiction book, like when you're going to work on your physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.
Speaker 1:Put it in there first and make everything else go in there as well.
Speaker 1:It's kind of the don't make everything else, make the other things that matter fit in that time as well.
Speaker 1:So it's kind of that old analogy I think maybe it was Warren Buffett or someone who originally said it where if you take a bucket and you fill it first with the sand and then the pebbles and then you try and fit the big rocks in, you're not going to be able to fit the big rocks in there because you've waited until the end, but those are the things that are the most important, whereas if you start by putting the rocks in the most important things your family time, working on your pies then you put in the pebbles and then you just put in the sand as much of the rest of that as can go in there.
Speaker 1:That's the better way, because you're making sure that the things that are most important to you are getting done. So evaluate what you're doing. At the same time, ask yourself what are the things that matter most to you and then actually, through your actions and your calendar and maybe your finances, prioritize those things happening and then everything else, whatever else can fit in there, is what you get done and what can't fit in there. You don't get done because you've already said it wasn't important. If it was important, it would have been one of your rocks.
Speaker 2:I'm like sweating over here because I feel like you were talking directly to me. So maybe there's some things that I need to prioritize in my life, so sleep, probably being one of them.
Speaker 1:Sleep should definitely be a priority.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's pretty low on my list right now. I know it is yeah.
Speaker 1:But we have you on recording, staying just a couple of episodes ago, that when you focused on getting better sleep, it changed your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, remember. Yeah, I think I need to go back and watch that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think I need to go back and watch that episode. I think you need to go back and do that, but it's hard right, Isn't it hard?
Speaker 2:for people.
Speaker 1:Why do you think it is difficult?
Speaker 2:I think a lot of it has to do with maybe 21st century, um, and we feel like we have to do everything really, really fast and get things done very quickly, because we want things done so quickly, because you can go on your phone and everything is at your, at your fingertips. It's almost this false sense of like we need to be busy all the time, especially for me, like I feel like if I'm not busy, then I'm not doing enough, but a lot of times I think I'm doing too much. So and I think a lot of people probably feel that same way too.
Speaker 1:So so the mastermind group that I'm in, the motto of it is do less better, and it makes me think of all the times in my life where I've tried to like, juggle so many things and I'm not doing any of them well. But it's hard in a society and culture where your production is your value yeah to intentionally decide I'm going to do less and I'm going to do it better, but I'm going to have a better quality of life. Yeah, as well. As well, it's a mental shift Quality over quantity.
Speaker 1:Quality over quantity In this instance, yes, I would agree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, in this instance, yeah.
Speaker 1:In this instance, I would agree. Yeah, if we're talking about time we spend with other people, like our family, it's quantity over quality Different.
Speaker 2:Quantity time is better than quality time, for sure. Yeah, quality time is still important, but that's a whole nother episode.
Speaker 1:Whole other subject. We can get into that Whole other episode. What are your takeaways from today's episode, Jason?
Speaker 2:I would say, I mean, this does kind of go along with working on your pies, but how important it is to prioritize yourself, because that's the only person that you can control is yourself. And so working on yourself, working on your pies, in turn, will end up affecting your relationships, your health, all of these different things. Um, so yeah, focusing on yourself, focusing on your, on your pies, is the best thing that you can do with your life.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, because it's what makes our relationships better.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So it's not to the detriment. The goal is not to focus on our pies to the detriment of relationships, but to the increase of our relationships.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Well, that's all I have.
Speaker 2:Me too.
Speaker 1:Great Hope you enjoyed this episode. Would love to hear other questions that you have and maybe in the future, as we get more questions, we can start like bucketing them into themes and then have themed ask us anything, ask me anything episodes which we would love to do.
Speaker 2:Also, if you want to submit questions for any future, ask me anythings. There will be a link in the show notes or the description of the YouTube video, so go click on that link and you can submit questions there.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this, share it with a friend, give us a review, make sure you're following the show, whether you're following it on YouTube or Apple podcast or Spotify, it really helps us to reach even more people. So just go find that follow button, make sure that you select it and, until next week, stay strong.