How To Rewire Your Brain Using Gratitude

What does it mean to live a life of gratitude? 

Gratitude is a state of being.  It isn't more money, fame, or success. It's not a perfect body, the best Instagram pictures, or the most followers on any social platform. It's none of the things that we go crazy trying to achieve on a day-to-day basis. 

What really can make us happier in our lives, is how grateful we are for what we have. To bring it a little closer to home, it's how grateful you are in your life with the things that you have that can ultimately make you happier. Gratitude is one of the best things that people can begin to focus on in order to become unshackled from toxic emotions.

In today's episode, we are going to talk about how to be grateful and express gratitude.

Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships

Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.

Website: www.PIESUniversity.com

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You'll Learn

• How being grateful can make you more attractive
• Activities to help you create an attitude of gratitude
• How to be joy-filled NOW, not later.

Episode 91 - How To Rewire Your Brain Using Gratitude, with Kimberly Beam Holmes

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Transcript

Marriage Helper: 0:31

The most important part of attraction is evoking emotions within other people that they enjoy feeling. I believe, however, that this has to start with evoking emotions within ourselves that allows us to feel good. And like the way that we feel. It's that same concept that you can't give out of an empty cup. And it's difficult to evoke emotions within other people that are positive and help them to feel good when you feel bad about yourself. That's why this episode is focusing on something that you can begin doing to help really rewire the emotions that you feel about yourself, and to begin to overcome negative emotions and replace them with positive ones through actual research based methods. And the one that we are going to focus on today is gratitude. According to the University of California, Berkeley, gratitude is one of the best things that people can begin to focus on in order to become unshackled from toxic emotions. And to really start rewiring the way that the brain processes events that happen to it, and reacts differently to those experiences. And also says that when a person focuses on being grateful and focusing on things that they're grateful for even showing gratitude to other people, for at least 12 weeks, if not more, that it starts to have lasting positive benefits. I'm going to be talking about the science of gratitude in today's podcast. And it's actually one from a couple of years ago, that was so good that new listeners and old listeners alike could use a refresh or a learning of the first time of how we can use gratitude to help us become even more emotionally attractive people. Let's dive in.

Unknown: 2:26

There's a process to falling in love. And it starts with attraction. Join Kimberly beam homes and our special guests as they discuss how to become the most attracted you can be physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, or as we refer to it, working on your pies will teach you how to have better relationships and become more attracted to others, and maybe more importantly, to yourself. It starts with attraction. And it starts now.

Marriage Helper: 2:55

The practice of gratitude is one of the most important indicators of long term happiness. And I'm not just saying that, I'm saying it because it's backed by research. The more grateful a person is the more time that they spend really focusing on the good things in their life and the things that they should have gratitude for. It has a direct correlation with more positive emotions. That person who is more grateful relishes, positive experiences, even more, enjoys better health, you deal with adversity better, and you build better and stronger relationships, all because you're more grateful. But what is gratitude? What does it even mean to be grateful? How would you even define what that means? I think so many of us have gotten so used to living in a life or society where we're going full throttle all of the time, we're not slowing down to smell the roses, or to look at the beautiful scenery, or to even think about the good things that have happened in our day. Here's actually what it tends to look like on a day to day basis. We know that 60 to 90% of the thoughts that we have, as human beings are repetitive, meaning their thoughts that we've had from the day before the week before the years before, whatever that might be, but also that there's a very high percentage of our thoughts right around that 60 to 70% range that are negative on a day to day basis. So not only are we constantly thinking about old thoughts, but the majority of the time or focusing on the worst of our old thoughts, that doesn't exactly pave a way for our thinking, to focus on the things that are positive, and the things that we want to be grateful for. In addition to that, a lot of the times even when we're thinking about future thoughts about things that we're moving towards, that we're wanting for our future, it's typically based on how we're unhappy right now, let me give you an example of my current life. Like many people in the year of 2020, my family has realized that our house is not quite as big as we thought it was. Once you have to live in it for 24/7. And it becomes your workplace and your kids school place and it becomes the thing that you are in all of the time and cannot leave, you begin to realize how you really would love more space or at least that's what my family realized over this past year. And so for the past several weeks now we've been looking at moving looking at houses, but I'm very much focussed on all of the things I don't like about this house, and how I believe everything is going to be better if we could just move into a bigger house with more space where I can have an office that's completely my own, that has complete silence. Here's the truth of the matter. I'm not going to be happier, once I move. Even if I got the nicest house on the most land, which would be so incredible. Not gonna happen. But big dreams, right? Even if we got the exact dream home that we would always love to have. That's not going to be what makes me happy. The truth of the matter is until I can find happiness, contentedness, and gratitude, even in my current situation, then nothing that I add or take away from my life is going to make me feel any more grateful. It has to start from within the definition of gratitude is the quality of being thankful, and a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness, at its very core. Gratitude is a state of being it is a quality that a person has like a quality of honesty or integrity. It is a characteristic that a person should strive to attain more of in their life preaching to the choir here. But it also encompasses having a readiness, an eagerness, a desire, to show appreciation, I think of it as being on guard when you're ready, like a soldier in war that is ready to fight at any time, there's a sense of readiness, to them a sense of immediacy, to what they're trying to do. That's how I picture us having gratitude in our lives. That's how I picture me wanting to be a grateful person in my life, where I'm viewing it as something where I am ready at any given moment to see the things in my life that I appreciate the things that I am grateful for, and being ready to return kindness to those in my life, who I am appreciative of, as well. But it's not just the definition that lends us to understand what gratitude is, we've already talked about how our thoughts are negative, and they're ruminating, and they're constant, and they're repetitive. How can we actually begin to look at this on a psychological level, a physiological level, a biological level, and see how we can actually begin to rewire our brain and change our thought patterns, so that we will be more ready for gratitude, and less likely to focus on all of the negatives in life? Well, when we look at research, we begin to see, as I said before, that there are strong correlations between gratitude and a multitude of positive health indicators. So what are some ways that you can practically and tactically do this in your day to day life, here are some ways that you can focus on being more grateful, I have three of them for you to focus on. The first one is to begin having a gratitude journal. Write down the things that you're grateful for, or the good things that have happened to you on a daily basis. And here's what I want you to do. I want you to get specific with this. So don't just write down, I'm grateful for my family, my friends, and my health. Those are all great things, but be really specific on exactly what has happened or exactly what you're grateful for. I remember when I started doing a three good things journal, where every evening or every morning I would write down three good things from that day, that the first several weeks that I did this, I just wrote down words, I'm grateful for coffee, I'm grateful for family, I'm grateful for my husband. And it was very ambiguous. Yes, they're all things I'm grateful for. But it became a practice that it wasn't really helping me understand how to be more grateful because I was just naming nouns naming words. It wasn't until I really began to look at specific circumstances that would have happened that day and write those things down, that I began to notice a difference in my acumen of noticing the things that made me grateful. So here's how it looks even just this morning when I did this. When I was thinking about yesterday. What were the things that I was grateful for. I was so grateful that it was an amazing afternoon even though as at the time of recording this it's the middle of December, I was able to go to my parents house and play outside with their new dog. I was throwing the little toy that the dog had she would run and chase it bring it back and we had such a great time just running around the yard. It felt freeing. And the combination of saying what you did and how it made you feel, is what really helps to solidify this practice. Another thing I was grateful for that happened yesterday was at the end of the day, I was tired, I was ready to rest and relax. I got up on the couch started watching again, it's December, started watching some of my favorite Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. Yes, do not judge me. And my son crawled up into my lap, and he just put his head right on my chest and started cuddling with me. Oh, my goodness, you guys like of course, I was grateful for that. And the way it made me feel was it made me feel loved, it made me feel connected to my son, it made time stop. Nothing else mattered. And my son's little head was on my chest. And I was able to recognize that and acknowledge that this morning, even when it was happening yesterday. But as I was writing it down, and just reliving that feeling of gratefulness from yesterday, it helps start my day on a positive foot. The other thing it helps to do is re wire those pathways in my brain. So there's actually neurons and synapses that are running in our brain right now neural pathways. And the more we have negative thoughts, the stronger the correlation in our mind that kind of the, the deeper the ruts in those neural pathways towards the negative side of things will become kind of like if you're walking through a forest and you see a trail that has a lot of foot work on it, a lot of people have taken you can tell because the trail is deeper, it's more cleared. That's the one that's easier to take, because it's the one that the majority of people have taken. And then there's the smaller trails in the woods that you can tell are kind of there, but they have a ton of leaves over them, it may be difficult to know where you're going, because not as many people go through it. Well, it's the same with the way that our brains process our emotions and information and these neural pathways that we have. So the more negative we typically think, then the deeper those neural pathways are going to go, the easier it's going to be to have our thoughts go on that path in the forest of our brain, as we continue to think on a day to day basis. It's not what we want, not healthy and not helpful. And it is difficult to start. But once you begin to really force your thoughts to go towards that positive mindset, then you can actually make that the stronger trail that your thoughts and your brain take over time and abandon those negative neural pathways that you have. So focusing on these positive things, the things that we want to be grateful for, will help you to have those positive neural pathways, those synapses fire in that direction, on a more day to day basis, to help you be more positive overall, who doesn't want more of that? Now, this is something when we look at research doing this daily notating, three good things, five good things, really focusing on gratitude on a daily basis has the most correlation with these positive health indicators, better relationships, less anxiety, all of those great things. But even if you commit to it on a weekly basis at first, then it still gives you great, great benefits. Here's a bonus idea for you as well. You can start a text thread or an email chain with loved ones that you have where you share three good things that happened to you that day, and then continue to share it every day. I have an upcoming episode with a sleep expert named Molly McLaughlin, who actually said that this is something that she has started doing and she's been doing it for over 2000 days. And it comes to a point where you don't want to break the chain, you have to keep thinking of the good things and sharing it with your friends and family. Because you don't want to stop that positive chain of sharing gratitude and gratefulness with the people in your life. The other really great thing is this builds in accountability, it can inspire others to do the same thing and it creates positive social connection with the people that you love in your life. So the number one way that you can begin to have more gratitude right now in your life is by starting a gratitude journal. It's number one. The second thing that you can do is express thanks to other people. Remember when we even talked about the definition of gratitude, we talked about how it was a readiness to not only notice it, but to return it to give it back to people return kindness. When you express things to other people through either writing them a hand written letter, or giving them a phone call and telling them exactly how much you appreciate them. Then this has a huge impact. The positive psychologist Martin Seligman did this with a study of 411 people and saw that the people who wrote these positive encouraging letters of appreciation to people in their lives saw that they had a huge increase in their happiness scores, and a decrease in their depression scores that were immediate. So from the day they wrote the letter sent it shared it immediately, they were happier and less depressed. But it had a long lasting impact as well to where even up to a month later, people still were reporting increases in happiness and decreases in depression. And here is the kicker about this study, writing the notes of gratitude and appreciation had a larger impact than any other intervention on increasing happiness, and decreasing depression. This is huge. This is such an amazing thing to realize that simply by being intentional, and showing appreciation towards the people we love in our lives through writing a note or giving them a call. Or even better yet taking them to dinner or coffee, and telling them face to face, that this has long lasting impacts on your health. And on your gratitude. This is huge. Even right now, if you're listening to this in real time, on the day it's published, then we're in the middle of a gift giving season, we're frantic, trying to figure out who to buy for what to what to do, where to go, how to shop, all of these things. But at the end of the day, what people really love and this was even validated their heart, a Harvard business review study, what people love more than anything, is to get compliments, is to hear positive things about themselves. What if this season, or this year for wherever you're listening to this podcast, for every birthday, anniversary, Christmas holiday, whatever it might be? What if you wrote letters of appreciation to the people in your life, really heartfelt letters, of what you love about them, what you appreciate about them, how they have impacted your life, and that's the gift that you gave, that would be an amazing gift to give in for the receiver, it's probably the best gift they will ever receive. The third thing that you can do is begin a ritual of focusing on gratitude with your children, your spouse, your best friend, whoever it might be over the dinner table. So if you have children, no matter how old they are, then every evening, make it a ritual to begin asking your kids, your spouse, three good things that happened to them that day. And why this is very similar to the first one that I talked about of having a gratitude journal. But in this context, we're talking about how can you make this something that you talk about with your family, something that you really are intentional about learning about the people around you. And here is why that is so important. Number one, especially if you have kids, you're beginning to teach them this practice to have in their life from an early age. So from the time they're five, six, I mean, even three years hold, they can begin thinking what was something I loved today, what was something that made me happy, and they can begin to start thinking that way on a more day to day basis, which is amazing. That's great. This is what we want to teach our children to do, even with our spouses, when we ask that question, and we're able to share the things that we're grateful for we hear from our spouses the things that they're grateful for, then we're able to have a spirit of excitement and happiness in the house. So instead of focusing on the negative things, or the bills, or the mortgage, or the F that your child got in school that day, you're really forcing the conversation in your house to have a more positive light to it, which is really what makes positive memories. I remember reading a quote, I remember reading a quote several months ago that said, it's not what happens in a child's life that necessarily makes the long term impact. It's how the child feels about what has happened. And it's such a great reminder that outside of our homes, life can be crazy. The world can be insane. But we have the amazing opportunity to make the inside of our houses, the inside of our homes, sanctuaries of rest and peace and trust. We can change the temperature, the thermometer, the end environment inside of our homes, it doesn't have to reflect what's happening in society, it doesn't have to reflect what's happening on the news, it doesn't have to reflect any of the negative things that we don't want to bring inside the walls of our home, protect your home, create an atmosphere of love and respect and gratefulness inside your home. You can do that by beginning to change the conversation, even just at the dinner table. Even if each person just shares one positive thing that they're grateful for, or one great thing that happened during that day, then that is already putting you on a trajectory for more positivity and stronger connections within your the relationships in your home, then focusing on all the negative things that have happened. The other bonus to this is it will help you understand the things that your spouse or your kids or your friends appreciate most. And you may end up learning that leaving a small note in their lunchbox made their day it was something that they were grateful for. Or you may learn that simply helping out with the dishes was something that was a huge relief to your spouse. And therefore that helps you know what you can do more of to increase gratitude in the lives of those that you love. Another great benefit of having a practice of gratitude where you're writing down the things that you're grateful for is that you begin to know the things that lead you to have higher levels of gratitude. And it's going to help you realize how you can change your life to do more of the things that bring you joy and happiness and contentedness and less of the things that drain you. I remember a couple of weeks ago over Thanksgiving, I was so stressed out the week before Thanksgiving, just everything coming to a head. Schools were remote and all the things I don't even have to go into it. We get it. It's 2020 Nuff said. And I so was craving, the ability to get away. My dad's side of the family rented a cabin out in Asheville, North Carolina, and I went hiking every single day. And while I was there at the cabin, with family, laughing, connecting, being outside hiking in the beautiful nature, I had so much gratitude, I would think back the end of every day to the day that I had just had and I was just full of gratefulness, which was amazing. I was taking the time to stop and be aware of the things that were leading to that gratitude, which was that social connection, the laughing the being outside hiking. But the more I realized that this was making me feel alive, this was helping me feel like I could focus and concentrate and I felt more like myself, then that helps me to realize that in my daily life, what can I do to implement more of these things that will make me feel this way? How can I get outside more? How can I go hiking? How can I connect more intentionally with people and laugh with people on a day to day basis, instead of feeling so lonely and so isolated from working in my home office right now. And so this led me to realize that there's more things that I can do in my life, to help me feel this way, all the time. So I made a commitment coming back from that trip that every weekend, I was going to go for a hike somewhere in the local area, I was just going to make it happen. And that every day I was going to call someone whether it's my mom, my sister, one of my friends, I was going to take at least 10 to 15 minutes to connect with people that I love. And I was going to try and spend more time outside, I invested in some warmer clothes, so that even through the winter, I will be outside and getting fresh air and sunlight as much as I can because I knew these were things that helped me and that they were things I was already grateful for. So why not do more of them. My favorite book says a lot about being grateful and having that attitude of gratitude. But one of my favorite things in my favorite book that it says is that whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent, or praiseworthy, think about such things. And it continues on where the person who's writing this part of this book. He was a man named Paul, who had actually been in prison and he was actually writing this chapter of this book from prison. He was on house arrest, he was shackled. And he was writing to others to encourage them To be happy to focus on the good to focus on the things to be grateful for. And he continues right after saying that, and he says, I'm not saying this, because I am in need. I'm not saying this for you to worry about me. I'm not saying this thinking about me at all. He says, For I have learned to be content. Whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need. And I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. And that's exactly what gratitude does for us. It leads us to realize that no matter what our circumstances are, no matter what our situations are, no matter what life throws at us, we can learn to be content. And whatever the situation, we can do all things when we have gratitude, we can do all things. When we have a focus on focusing on the positive, focusing on the good in focusing on those who have helped you get to where you are in your life. So my key Pie's takeaways for this episode are these. First of all, when you are thinking about being the best you can be being the most attractive that you can be, then let's just boil it down to the very foundation of this and say, Who wants to be around someone who's constantly negative? The answer is no one. It's draining. It's not fun. It's pessimistic. No one wants that. So when you are focusing on being more grateful, and having an attitude of gratitude, you're automatically going to be attracting more people to you. It's a perfect thing for you to focus on as you're working on your pies. All of the things we talked about in today's episode are simple, but they're significant. The first one is share three things that you're grateful for each day, journal this, text it to your friends or family, do it for at least seven days straight commit to that at first, and I guarantee that you'll see a difference that will make you want to keep doing it every single day. The second one is to write a note to someone that you are grateful for and tell them why I recommend that you do this at least once a month more if you can, at least once a month is a great place to start. And the third thing is to remember that no matter what your circumstances are, you can change your mindset to be content and to be joyfilled. Now, not later, happiness is a frame of mind. It is not a set of circumstances. Friends, I hope you enjoyed today's show. Remember to follow it starts with attraction anywhere you listen to podcast and leave us a review. The more positive reviews we get the more positive change we can make for relationships and for individuals around the world for shownotes updates and the opportunity to join our email list for encouraging weekly strategies for you to become the best that you can be in all areas of your pies. Go to pies university.com Again, that is pies university.com Keep working on your pies and always remember it starts with attraction