It Starts With Attraction
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It Starts With Attraction
Marriage Expert Reveals What Leads To Relationship Failure
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What drives relationships to their breaking point? In this episode, we uncover the intricate dynamics that influence the success and failure of romantic and personal connections. Discover what a 2017 study revealed about environmental stressors, trust issues, and personal challenges like depression. These critical predictors of relationship dissolution provide a comprehensive lens through which we can understand the complexities of human connections.
I bring to light the common reasons couples grow apart, such as communication breakdowns and infidelity, and explore how these issues can severely affect mental health post-breakup. You'll also learn about the lasting impact of parental divorce on future relational trust and how fostering positive relationship experiences can mitigate anxiety and avoidance behaviors.
Finally, we turn our focus to the building blocks of strong, enduring marriages. Mutual respect, compromise, and communication are essential, but how do preconceived notions about gender roles play into this? Hear real-life stories that illustrate the power of forgiveness and sensitivity in creating loving and loyal partnerships. We also emphasize the importance of commitment and respect, discussing how a strong marital foundation helps couples navigate life's challenges together. Join us as we offer valuable insights and practical advice for nurturing healthy, long-lasting relationships.
Link to our research: https://bit.ly/3B50K26
Link to the Forbes article:
⏰ Time Stamps ⏰
0:00 - Predictors of Relationship Dissolution
2:46 - Contextual and Relationship-Level Predictors
5:24 - Personal Experiences and Marriage Helper’s Teachings
7:22 - Divorce Statistics and Reasons for Divorce
9:28 - Cohabitation and Relationship Duration
12:46 - Gender Differences in Perception of Relationship Problems
15:30 - Impact of Past Experiences on Current Relationships
23:10 - Characteristics of Loving and Loyal Marriages
33:50 - Traditional and Non-Traditional Marriages
34:13 - Protective Factors of Marital Stability
36:27 - Global Perspectives on Marital Stability
37:37 - Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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In today's episode, we're going to be talking about what ends relationships and what are the components of great relationships. We cover a myriad of types of relationships in the studies that we review for this topic. We talk about romantic relationships, marriage relationships, cohabitating relationships, so it's not just marriage, and some of the studies even ask about relationships, just important relationships in a person's life, so the person in the study could pick whichever relationship they wanted. Overall, though, what you're going to find by the end of this episode is that you'll have a better understanding of what are the things that lead to relationships breaking up, of all types of relationships, and what are the things that lead to strong relationships. That is the focus of today, and I am joined by our producer, jason.
Speaker 2:Hi, hello, nice to be here.
Speaker 1:It's nice to be here, isn't it? Yeah, well, what ends relationships? What do you think it is? Uh, I think it's a combination of probably a lot of things but you cheated because you read the outline, so you already know some of it.
Speaker 2:I did, I did.
Speaker 1:What did you think, though, like before you started working for marriage helper? What did you think ended relationships? Can you remember?
Speaker 2:I mean, this is three years ago. Uh, I mean I would probably would have said something like lack of commitment or money problems. Well, that's more of what ends a marriage, maybe, or what causes marriage problems. Communication issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a lot of people say communication.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's probably what I would have said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, here are what we know from the predictors and statistics. There was a study done in 2017 called stay or leave predictors of relationship dissolution in emerging adulthood, and what it found was three levels of predictors of why people ended relationships. Now, this one wasn't just romantic relationships that were looked at. In fact, the study was pretty interesting. It followed 210th grade students that's when it started following these participants and it followed them for six years, so it followed them basically through their senior year of college, if they went to college, and most of them were interviewed about the romantic relationships at each point. But they could well actually, no, maybe it was that they chose just their romantic relationships, that they talked about this. But here's what they found that there were three levels of predictors A contextual level. So this is predicting a relationship ending by the context of the relationship, the larger environment in which the relationship exists. So it can include living in a stressful environment or experiencing stressful life events. So this, as an example, could have been we broke up after high school because both of us went to two different colleges. That would be an example of a contextual level. It's something in the environment that happened that led to the breakdown of the relationship, but then there was a relationship level. So relationship qualities are the environment that happened, that led to the breakdown of the relationship, but then there was a relationship level. So relationship qualities are the ones that showed up in this. Like I felt like I couldn't trust them anymore, or we were fighting all the time, or I didn't feel like they supported me. Also, romantic appeal fell under this relationship level, so no longer being attracted to a person, basically no longer working on the pies. See what I did there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, yeah. And then there's the individual level, and this is more so of what was happening inside of a person. Like they maybe were experiencing depression or bipolar disorder, so there was something happening within them that led them to want to end the relationship that didn't really have as much to do with the other person, and so these 200 participants were given a myriad of assessments and tests and different things that followed them over the six years that they were involved in the study, and ultimately, what it found was that higher numbers of stressful life events linked to relationships dissolving sooner, and this makes a lot of sense, especially in the context of the fact that these were 10th graders, so that's like 16, 17 years old until about 22, 23 years old. There's a lot of stress, a lot of new things that these people are experiencing that would lead to the breakdown of their relationship, and also higher levels of negative interactions within the relationship were predictive of relationship dissolution over the long term. So basically, the person was criticizing me or trying to control me, or we were just fighting all the time. I'm 20 years old, I don't have to live with this the rest of my life and lower levels of romantic appeal so when a person wasn't actually super attracted to someone to begin with were predictive of relationship dissolution.
Speaker 1:Now, jason, did you date anyone between the ages of 17 and 22 or 23?
Speaker 2:Yes, I did.
Speaker 1:And it ended.
Speaker 2:Obviously yes.
Speaker 1:Obviously. Why did it end?
Speaker 2:There were several reasons, but yeah, I mean a lot of it has to do with, or had to do with, probably pretty stressful life events, I'm assuming Just a lot of stuff going on. I mean it's college, yeah uh, just a lot of stuff going on.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's college, it's I would. I would venture to say this is just. This is not research based, but I would venture to say that, like most high school and college relationships don't end up lasting for the most part. Um, but yeah, it ended. I know I'm here and here you are. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, I had a handful of relationships. My sister had way more, just saying, just throwing that out there, but I did have a handful of relationships. One of them so the one that I cared most about ended when I was about just almost 17 years old. It was in the middle of 10th grade, oh, and that was super hard. Years old, it was in the middle of 10th grade, oh, and that was super hard. But it ended because a combination of I was very controlling and he didn't like it and he also cheated on me. So it was this like yeah.
Speaker 1:I pushed him away but someone was pulling him close and you know the things that we kind of teach at marriage helper and then every relationship until rob, my husband, that I had after that was 100 like I guess every one of them can't be a rebound. But I was just like, eh, I'm kind of attracted to you, I guess we'll date. But I really wasn't that attracted to them I.
Speaker 2:I think they could all be considered rebounds, I think it's not.
Speaker 1:It's not just the next one.
Speaker 2:No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't think so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they all were, and one was a pathological liar and that was a whole different situation. And then Rob wrote on my Facebook wall and the Rob happy Valentine's day, and the rest was history. Your knight in shining armor knight in shining armor, although at that point he was my pilot in flight school yeah, which was just as good yeah and anyway.
Speaker 1:Yes, so I can. I can also understand why a lot of these would end and but it's kind of amazing that mine and rob's didn't end. He was graduated from college. I was still in college, but there was a lot of stressors like we didn't even live in the same state yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And he was in flight school and and all of the things. When we look at marriage, though, specifically we look at, forbes magazine had an article in 2024, earlier this year, revealing divorce statistics in 2024. And we've covered this in a marriage helper podcast which we will link to, where we flesh every one of these points out even more. But what we talked about was there's a lot of divorce. In this article, it talked about 43% of marriages ending in divorce. I think that's first marriages. It's not accumulating the marriages from eight different states, including California.
Speaker 1:We know that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. About 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So the more times you're married, the more likely it is to end in divorce. 75% of individuals cited lack of commitment as the main reason for their divorce. 60% said that unfaithfulness was the reason for their divorce. Almost 60% said it was conflict, and 66% of women or, I'm sorry, 66% of men and 74% of women this statistic I find so fascinating felt that their spouse should have worked harder to save the marriage. So, basically, the majority of all of them felt that the other person should have done more work to save the marriage. I just find that so fascinating.
Speaker 2:I think this whole article is fascinating, so it will be linked down in the show notes. So if you want, go and read this article. It goes in depth on everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean like every, like religion, jobs, like all of this stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the type of job that has the highest divorce rate. Yeah, all of those things. And another super fascinating stat from it was that 72% of couples said that they didn't fully understand the commitment involved in marriage before tying the knot.
Speaker 2:Which blows my mind? Me too.
Speaker 1:What did you think it was? Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you think marriage is supposed to be?
Speaker 1:Till death do us part, like it's literally in the vows that you make to each other. But fascinating, so super fascinating stuff. So those are some of the contexts that relationships can dissolve, according to the 2024 study that Forbes did. But what does the research say? What are the types of problems that can lead to relationship dissolution? There was a study done. This is a very big study. About 15,000 people participated in it between the ages of 16 and 74 in Britain, and it's looked at a lot of different combinations. There were people who were married, there were people who were living together. Basically, what this study found was and all of their relationships had ended and, ironically, the majority of people in the study well, not actually, not that ironically the majority of them were cohabitated and their relationships have thus ended. For people who were cohabitated or cohabitating, their relationships were significantly shorter when they ended than people who were married. Married people were about 14 years on average that they had been together, whereas the people who were cohabitating were around three and a half to four and a half or three and a half to four years where they had been together. But the majority of people, or the largest answer, the largest answer that people gave, I should say, was about 40% of men and women reported that growing apart was the main reason that their relationship ended. Now we, as researchers and at Marriage Helper, would say well, growing apart could be a lot of different things. What was actually included in that? But they would further go on to say that it was arguments that ended the relationship, so conflict, we don't have anything of interest together anymore. So they weren't working on their pies, and especially not together, and a very few percent said that it was actually anything to do with sexual difficulties or problems with their sex life. So we can see from this study that arguments losing interest in each other, feeling like you're growing apart those can be reasons that relationships can end.
Speaker 1:But let's look even further. So there was another study done in 2016. Are problems that contribute to divorce present at the start of marriage or do they emerge over time, which is a really fascinating title? Actually, there were 431 couples who were a part of this study over a five year period of time, and at the final point of data collection, 55 of the 431 couples had divorced or separated, and so they were looking at the differences in all of these couples based on the baseline when they first started, all the way to the final five-year time, or almost the five-year time that they had been through.
Speaker 1:The results showed that problems most often cited to contribute to divorce for wives.
Speaker 1:So these are the things that the women said was communication issues, lack of a willingness to work on the relationship, trust, infidelity that was 56% of people saying jealousy and infidelity or my husband's mood or his temper.
Speaker 1:Husbands said that mood or temper was the top reason for them actually of why they wanted out of the relationship, then communication, then trust, the quality of time spent together, or their inability to make good decisions together, or even the management of money. Husbands reported an average of seven problems, 7.8 problems that contributed to the divorce, whereas wives reported closer to 11. Is anyone surprised by this? Women had more negative things to say about their that ended up contributing to the divorce over time. So husbands, for all intents and purposes, felt like it was not present at the beginning of the relationship. Wives, though, seven out of 13 times, or of the seven of the 13 problems, felt like it was present at the beginning of the relationship, which later led to the divorce. No-transcript, because they end up seeing the things that they think they're going to see and they kind of create it to be in existence.
Speaker 2:I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1:Like a bias, like it's a bias perception.
Speaker 1:That's one of the reasons why, at Marriage Helper, we say so many times it is so important that you focus on the good about your spouse instead of dwelling on the things that they do wrong, because the more you dwell on the things they do wrong, that's going to be all you see, even if the good things outweigh it, and therefore, continuing to tell yourself that negative story is going to dramatically change the way that you think and talk about your spouse. So why do relationships end? Here's what we know, what people say so far because communication, because we've grown apart, because we fight all the time, because we're not attracted to each other anymore and because we keep a record of wrongs and not a record of rights. We also know that after relationships end, according to a study that was done in 2011, that 43% of people experience a decline in their well-being. So, even though they thought they might be happier on the other side of a relationship ending, almost half of the people find that they are not as happy as they thought they would be.
Speaker 1:Relationship dissolution can also affect mental health and emotions. We know that after a person experiences a breakup or a dissolution or a divorce, that they tend to ruminate on the strong feelings that they have about the breakup. They tend to think about their previous significant other. 32% have recurring images. They have pictures in their mind that pop up of their significant other even after they've separated. They thought about the relationship when they didn't mean to. They're having difficulties removing it from their memory trouble, falling asleep, pretty much all the things that you would think which lasted for an extended period of time. But another thing that could be affecting relationships ending isn't anything about what's happening with the present. It could have more to do with what went on in the past. What does that mean?
Speaker 1:In a study from 2023, it looked at trust in relationships a preliminary investigation of the influence of parental divorce, breakup experiences, adult attachment style and close relationship beliefs on dyadic trust. So this looked at 131 Turkish undergraduate students. It gave them several different scales, such as an attachment style scale, an inventory of close relationship scales and a couple of different scales like that, and what it ended up finding was that, at least in the Turkish culture, men scored higher than women in anxious attachment style, which is interesting because typically, when you see studies that look at this in America, women score higher on anxious attachment style than men, but this could also have to do with the age that we're looking at of undergraduate students as opposed to older adults, and women in the Turkish culture tended to score higher on the individuality scale, which is also interesting for the Turkish culture to score higher on the individuality scale, which is also interesting for the Turkish culture. But ultimately, the really interesting part that we see here is that participants in an ongoing relationship had higher trust scores than those who had ended a relationship or who had never been in a romantic relationship.
Speaker 1:So the aspect or the process of just being in a strong relationship helps to build trust levels and the results suggest that positive experiences in a romantic relationship bolster interpersonal trust. So positive relationships help us trust. More Trust leads to better relationships. It's kind of this catch 22 or this cyclical, cyclical nature that these two have with each other. Trust also had a negative correlation with anxiety and avoidance. So the more trust someone had in a relationship, the less likely they were to be anxious, the less likely they were to avoid or have any of those attachment style avoidance mechanisms. And the opposite is true the higher anxiety or the higher avoidance, the less trust they were able to have in a relationship. The overall findings indicated that experiencing one's own relationship breakdown, or so a previous breakup with someone that you were in a relationship with, or experiencing parental divorce or even separation, reduces dyadic trust in future relationships, which is no surprise, but it's so often overlooked.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. Like when I was dating, I didn't ever think did this person have divorced parents?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It wasn't, it wasn't even like a qualifier, and it's not their fault. And that's the other, really difficult part. Like someone experiencing the divorce of their parents, they could they literally could not control it, but it's going to have an impact on their future. Rob's parents have never been divorced. My parents have been divorced.
Speaker 1:But, but I never experienced their divorce. So it's really interesting Like we Divorce, like thinking about us divorcing is not an option, not to say that we haven't thought that in our hardest times, but I wouldn't say we've ever said it. There was actually only one time Rob has ever said to me that he wanted to divorce me, and it was in 2013.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, you remember it was 11 years ago.
Speaker 1:Yes, I do remember, because I believed him Like you, don't just throw that around.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we were on our way to New Orleans, the whole whole of the world and shout out New Orleans.
Speaker 1:And he was just like in a really bad place in his own way, like we hadn't talked about our. There was definitely issues between us, but we hadn't actually talked about it. He was just really angry and there was a lot of stuff happening at work that he was having to go through. And on the way to New Orleans and it was a work trip, and so on the way to New Orleans he said he said to me if you do anything to embarrass me and I don't even know what I was going to do to embarrass him but he was like, if you do anything to embarrass me, I will divorce you I was like, oh my gosh, so we get to New Orleans and we were like we were with a group of people and we went into that white chapel Like there's a white cathedral in New Orleans, it's anyway, people who've been there you know what I'm talking about and I went in and like he and I were having problems and I was just like overwhelmed with the beauty inside the chapel and the problems and all this stuff. And I was and we were at like one of those stations of the cross or whatever, and I just started crying. You know, having a moment with Jesus in the in the cathedral. And he came up to me and he said that's it, you've, you've embarrassed me.
Speaker 1:Go back to the hotel room. And I went back to the hotel room and just I was like that's it, he's divorcing me Cause that's what he said he would do. And I called my parents and I was just bawling, I was like heaving, like terrified, and he didn't come back. Like he didn't. I was in that hotel room the rest of the day, like to the night, and he didn't come back. Um, and I was like I guess, when we get back to, when we get back to Fort Rucker, that he's just going to give me divorce papers. It was like yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, and he didn't, but I ended up. Obviously he didn't, but I did end up I did end up leaving him when I got back because he was so toxic and we never recommend separation and I don't know that it was the best thing to do, but it did end up leading to him softening over time and coming to get me anyway, so it ended up being a whole thing.
Speaker 1:But all of that to say you don't just throw it around, because divorce means something. And as soon as you begin to say that it begins eroding trust in the relationship and it begins to open, open up doors of that being an option, and so from that day forward, divorce was never mentioned again.
Speaker 2:And look at y'all now.
Speaker 1:And look at us now Stuck together, whether he likes her or not. That's right, all right. So reinvest in commitment and loyalty. This is another way you can, or this is a way to build trust, to create healthy relationships. So we know what people have said as to what ends relationships lack of commitment, lack of trust, thinking too much about the negatives about each person fighting all the time, infidelity these are the things that break apart relationships, but what can help it?
Speaker 1:There was a study done of 137 women and 64 men between the ages of 20 and 75. It gave them several different marital satisfaction scales and what they found were there were three main factors that related to marital satisfaction love, loyalty and shared values. And it also found that the most important characteristics of loving marriages were respect, forgiveness, romance, support, sensitivity being sensitive to each other's emotions. So the results showed that satisfaction with the characteristics of a loving relationship, while good, were not sufficient to achieve full marital satisfaction. Marital satisfaction was mediated by satisfaction with loyalty in the relationship. So really, what that is is commitment. The more commitment that there was in a relationship, the more satisfaction there was in the entire marriage. Results suggested that sexual satisfaction is a very important ingredient in loyal, committed relationships, despite disagreements that spouses may have about the expression of the affection in their relationship.
Speaker 1:The results also found that if traditionality is valued by both spouses in the relationship, then satisfaction with the shared value of traditionality can lead to overall marital satisfaction.
Speaker 1:So traditionality here is traditional gender roles. So if both people entering into the relationship had those values and both adhered to them, they tended to have a better relationship. However, results indicate men who are satisfied with the values in their marriage tend to be more traditional or less egalitarian and they tend to be satisfied with conflict management. So men who are satisfied, like if they feel like they are on the same page with their wife at least this is how I'm interpreting the study then they tend to be more satisfied with conflict management, probably because the husband and the wife both adhere to traditional gender roles. Women who are satisfied with traditional gender roles also are and are also satisfied with level of conflict management in their marriage tend to be satisfied in their marriages. Now, when I read this, I put a big thing around it and a star and I think it's very interesting because, uh, not every marriage, especially nowadays, has traditional gender roles.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I don't even know what the actual definition of traditional gender roles would be. Is it just with work, the man works outside the home and the woman is a homemaker. Is that a traditional gender role?
Speaker 2:That's what I think of.
Speaker 1:That's what I think of too. So let's just say that's what it is, because we don't have the definition here. But they're very clear and this study was done 20 years ago but they're very clear about saying both couples have to be satisfied with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:For it to work and for there had this conversation over the past week because there's been people we've thought about bringing on the podcast who are very vocal about traditional gender roles are the solution for healthy marriages period.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's a very strong statement.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And I don't fit into that statement. Yeah strong statement and I don't fit into that statement. Yeah, and I I think the thing that keeps coming up is like why? Why do they say that that's true? And what if the woman doesn't agree? Because it's always men who say this.
Speaker 2:Oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:Always, men Always always men. And so what happens if the woman doesn't agree?
Speaker 2:I would venture to say she's probably not very satisfied.
Speaker 1:I would venture to say they're not going to have a great relationship. But then who's wrong?
Speaker 2:I don't necessarily think that you could say that anybody's wrong. I just don't think I mean that's like that. To me it goes to like a beliefs and values issue, like if you're not aligned on beliefs and values, like that's a really hard thing to overcome.
Speaker 1:You probably should have talked about that before you got married. But what if you didn't? Because Rob always thought I was going to work, for like I was never that I was not going to work. He was like, oh, I'm sure you'll just be a stay at home, mom stay at home, mom which there's nothing wrong with that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but how did, how did?
Speaker 1:y'all work through that. Well, we fought through it at the beginning of our marriage. So, yeah, I mean I just always had a drive to work. I've always wanted to work and so even when we were in Korea and I could have stayed at home all day and done whatever I wanted to, I wanted to go find a way to work. I just always loved to do that and I think that's how it started. I just started doing tutoring in Korea for teaching English and things like that. Then, when we moved back to the States, or when I moved back to the States, started working at Marriage Helper.
Speaker 1:It kind of just happened. I don't know that any of it was intentional, but when we got married it was like the week or two after we got married Rob was like, oh, why would you ever have a job? Like it literally had never come up until then. I was like why wouldn't I ever have? Like why wouldn't I have a job? So I wouldn't say I actually wouldn't say it was that big of an issue, it just, but it kind of it kind of happened. And now I mean I don't know how I would do what I, what I do without him and how he has supported me, but it's also never been the opposite Like I've met. Well, I was very supportive as a military wife, but I we didn't have kids.
Speaker 2:So there was it was different.
Speaker 1:I don't know that that answers your question. Compromise is definitely a part of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because he knows, like if he were to try and say you can't work First of all that would be very controlling and he wouldn't do it yeah. But second of all, he knows that I love it yeah. So it's more of a yeah, that's a hard.
Speaker 2:Respect Like mutual respect, I mean it's a hard thing if, like if, if a man has a very strong belief that that's how like marriage should be like that's a. I don't know how you navigate that. Like marriage should be like, that's a. I don't know how you navigate that.
Speaker 1:I don't know how people get by in this economy with one spouse working.
Speaker 2:That's what I think, Like. I'm like, how does that?
Speaker 1:Yeah exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly Like especially when you add kids into the mix, especially especially when you add kids into the mix.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know how that's even possible now. No, I don't either. Nor do I understand why women are the ones who are seen as not really needing to add any value to society Like oh, men should just be the one to work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I don't what. What makes men more qualified to add value than women? You know?
Speaker 1:I think that's a great question for you to ask. As a man, I don't know that I could get away with asking that question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I kind of asked that question all the time.
Speaker 1:but but why? I think it's a very decent question. Why?
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause, like in my head, that doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't make any sense to me either, because in my head that doesn't make any sense to me.
Speaker 1:It doesn't make any sense to me either, other than patriarchy yes. It's the patriarchy.
Speaker 2:It's the patriarchy, yeah.
Speaker 1:I kid, but maybe not, maybe not. Yeah, even when we look back in biblical times, there are very strong, high-ranking women in the Israelites' army. There's Esther, there's so many that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean yeah, there's a lot of things I could say, but when are we?
Speaker 1:Where are we? So overall, loving marriages are the ones that are defined as highly valuing the qualities of commitment to the marriage, interpersonal loyalty or no, I'm sorry those that highly value the qualities of mutual respect, forgiveness, romance and sensitivity are strongly associated with the marital interaction processes of communication and affectional expressions. So people who are in more loving marriages, which are characterized as mutual respect, forgiveness, romance and sensitive to each other's emotions, tend to have better communication and more affection. So if you're needing better communication, maybe we can work this backwards how are you showing mutual respect? How are you showing forgiveness? How are you showing romance to each other? How are you being sensitive to each other's needs? Those are the things that can help you become better communicators with each other.
Speaker 1:And then there's loyal marriages, those that most highly value a lifetime commitment to the marriage, interpersonal loyalty and strong moral values. Those are most strongly associated with the marital interaction processes of consensus and sexual satisfaction. So they are more likely to collaborate, to compromise, to figure out a solution, because they're more loyal. You view things differently. When you are committed, no matter what, you have to find a way. When you're committed till death, do us part. So they tend to have the most consensus like. We're going to work together, we're going to figure it out, we're going to come to terms and, for whatever reason, they have higher sexual satisfaction.
Speaker 1:Loyalty is positively related to sex and intimacy, but inversely related to agreement or affectional expression. Um, couples in loyal relationships are likely to disagree about the expression of affection, so they don't agree on everything, but they are committed, they're loyal, they tend to work through it and they and. But the interesting part is they have higher sexual satisfaction even if they don't agree about the expression of affection, and I actually think here's why I think they have higher sexual satisfaction because they feel safer in their relationship. I think that's it Makes sense. More commitment is there. So then, what are more protective factors against relationship dissolution For successful couples? So this comes from a 2010 study called factors of successful marriage accounts from self-described happy couples, and the results found there was 114 couples who were a part of this study that successful couples had been introduced to each other by relatives. That's really interesting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that would not work with me.
Speaker 1:It's similar. It's like the step down from an arranged marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, kind of yeah, without the whole like forcing you to do it.
Speaker 1:But I think. Here's what I think. Here's why I think that is. I think, well, why do you think that is? Why do you think that successful couples had been introduced by relatives?
Speaker 2:I, I don't know. Maybe there's a trust factor with family. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Cause your family knows you better. Oh then almost anyone else yeah, and that's also why the next point they all had ethical, religious, cultural, social and financial status in common.
Speaker 2:The similarities are there. There's more similarities. Exactly that makes sense.
Speaker 1:And they looked at two different categories, so to say, of couples. They looked at what they called the traditional couple, which we talked about just a minute ago, and the non-traditional couples. So traditional couples tended to have the following they were realists, they were committed to each other, they had honesty, they sacrificed for each other, they had trust, financial and social maturity, generosity, premarital experience and education. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think they were like prepared for marriage before they got married, like premarital counseling or things like that, a mutual understanding of each other whereas non-traditional couples tended to have more things in common more knowledge about each other, patience, trust, understanding they consulted each other, more honesty in verbal and nonverbal behavior, mutual understanding. They valued each other. So there were some differences, but there were just different things that led each of these types of couples to be strong and to be committed in the type of whether they were traditional or non-traditional. There were things that made both types of couples successful, which is important to know.
Speaker 1:Okay, and finally, there is a systematic review done in 2019, protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally. So this is really interesting because it looked at American countries, asian countries and European countries, and it was 12, it took a systematic review of 12 qualitative studies and 13 quantitative studies, so a total of 25 studies. In American countries, the most prominent aspects of marital stability consisted of shared religion, a strong sexual relationship, commitment, intimacy and congruence of values and beliefs. In Asian countries, this is what it included Communication, religion, children, conflict resolution, emotional issues and love. And in European countries, it included a good sexual relationship, commitment, relationship satisfaction and feeling support from one's partner. So there are differences. So, jason, what are your key takeaways from today's episode?
Speaker 2:Well, I think, after going through all of this, I think it could really be summed up into like one aspect. I know it's kind of included in several of the aspects that make like a strong, healthy marriage, but I think it all goes back to respect. I think if you're able to respect your spouse and respect your spouse's opinions and the way that they believe exactly what you believe, or differently in some situations, I think it all around makes for a better marriage or relationship. It helps you communicate better. If you respect your spouse, it helps you do anything. I think it just all goes back to respect and we know at Marriage Helper from the Gottman research that it all goes back to feeling liked, loved and respected. So, yeah, I think I think the the one thing that I would take away is find ways to be respectful to your spouse, even when you disagree, uh, or whoever you're in relationship with. Uh, this could go for any relationship. Um, yeah, respect. Aretha Franklin said it best.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:R E S P E C T.
Speaker 1:Find out what it means to me Mic drop. What else do we need? I would add commitment.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:If you have that baseline of commitment where you're, there is no out. Therefore, you have to find a way. Then the respect on top of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There's no, there's nothing you can't figure out together.
Speaker 2:And that's that's also what makes being married so much stronger than cohabitating, that's right. Is because the commitment is there. That's right. It's that covenant that you've gone into together, that you're committed to making this thing work till death. Do us part.
Speaker 1:And we saw from the studies about how relationship or parental divorce and separation has such a negative effect on kids who experience it that it's even. There's a legacy reason as well to stay committed to show respect, to figure it out.
Speaker 2:Yep Well, thanks for watching today's episode. If you want to check out our research, you can find that in the show notes down below, and we will see you on the next episode of it starts with attraction. Until then, stay strong.
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