It Starts With Attraction
Revealing secrets on how to become the most attractive you can be Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and Spiritually (or as us insiders call it...the PIES). Listen to weekly episodes. Join a course or get more info at kimberlybeamholmes.com
It Starts With Attraction
Marriage Therapist Reveals How To Have More Fulfilling Sex
Have a question you want answered? Submit it here!
This episode was recorded in 2022.
Unlock the secrets to a more fulfilling marriage with the insights of Dr. Corey Allan, a marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor, and author of "Naked Marriage: Uncovering Who You Are and Who You Can Be Together." Dr. Allan shares compelling research on the impact of religiosity on marital and sexual satisfaction, revealing how higher levels of religious dogma correlate with lower sexual satisfaction. Learn why open conversations about sex—even before tying the knot—are vital for overcoming shame and guilt from upbringings, and how these dialogues can pave the way for stronger relationships.
Ever wondered why desire differences create friction in marriages? This episode sheds light on this often-taboo topic. Dr. Allan and I dig deep into how communication issues in relationships frequently extend to the bedroom, affecting both high and low desire partners. We challenge the stigma around lower desire and offer actionable strategies to better understand and respond to each other's needs. Discover how foreplay and connection can go beyond physical touch, and how reevaluating the quality of sexual experiences can help mitigate feelings of rejection and frustration.
Looking to reignite the spark in your relationship? Dr. Allan offers practical advice on rebuilding intimacy and connection through honesty, emotional regulation, and leadership. We discuss a real-life story about a couple struggling with financial transparency and emphasize the importance of self-regulation in fostering trust. Learn how introducing novelty and spontaneity can enhance sexual intimacy and why staying present and attuned to your partner can lead to more fulfilling experiences. Don't miss the exploration of personal growth within marriage, as Dr. Allan shares insights from his book and podcast, "Sexy Marriage Radio," and highlights resources available through his online practice.
Dr. Allan's site - https://smrnation.com/
Naked Marriage book - https://amzn.to/3G9mpVm
Subscribe to the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast: https://smrnation.com/subscribe/
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
🔗 Website: https://itstartswithattraction.com
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes
👀 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
Follow our other channels!
📺 https://youtube.com/@UC7gCCAhhQvD3MBpKpI_4g6w
📺 https://youtube.com/@UCEOibktrLPG4ufxidR8I4UQ
I'm here today with Dr Corey Allen. He is a speaker, husband, dad and a marriage and family therapist and a licensed professional counselor. For those of you who are new to the world, those are actually two different things. Maybe we'll ask him about that. And he also has a PhD in family therapy, which I definitely want to ask him about. He has a book called Naked Marriage Uncovering who you Are and who you Can Be Together. But he also has a weekly podcast called Sexy Marriage Radio. So it's all most. I mean it's aimed at talking about sex in marriage. So I am so excited to have him on. Sex is a topic we should talk more about on, because it definitely is a part of how to stay attracted to each other. So thank you for joining us, dr Corey Allen.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm so glad to be here. This will be fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it will be fun. So tell me about your PhD. Did you have to do a dissertation for family therapy?
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:Oh, what did you do yours on?
Speaker 2:I did a study of religiosity and its impact on marital and sexual satisfaction.
Speaker 1:What were your findings?
Speaker 2:So I found that the higher the level of religiosity which is an easier way to describe it as kind of like religious dogma or legalism, depending on your upbringing the higher you were in that scale, the less sexual satisfaction you had.
Speaker 1:Interesting. So was this a? I'm guessing this was quantitative study.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay, and when? What were your kind of your conclusions and future recommendations? So the thought was just Conclusions and future recommendations.
Speaker 2:So the thought was just I mean the hunch I had going in was being raised in a conservative, somewhat dogmatic church. There's a lot of shame and guilt and just burden on our sex lives and our sexuality because it's not talked about and it's not addressed well. It's usually more of a harmful, negative bad. Don't do it, it's horrible, save it for the one you love, that kind of a thing. So my thought was it seems logical that if you're raised in that it's hard to overcome that and that's what it found out.
Speaker 2:So what would be future from that, which I've not done anything with since I mean that was 2006 is when I graduated with a PhD. What would be interesting to do is to pull that out and separate out between male, female. Is there a variation where males treated differently than females? That's kind of the way the trend has gone in the church world and evangelical world of. It's been really bad for women on the messages of the obligation and it's all about him and do your duty, and all that kind of stuff. That's not overt but it's covertly mentioned and so it'd be interesting to parse that out. But really some of that is what confirmed what I do now on trying to be a voice that does help discuss and frame conversations around sex and marriage in better ways for couples and for populations as a whole.
Speaker 1:So what do you think is the answer for people who have, or grew up in that, more of that strongly religious dogma? I mean, yeah, I'm just going to say it. So is one of the answers have sex before marriage, like try more things, or is that?
Speaker 2:No, I think the best answer is talk more about sex before marriage. One of the best advice I've heard from a guy I watch on YouTube that he's not a believer, he's a business guy but he and his wife have some power couple, relationship stuff, and he made a comment. Relationship stuff and he made a comment. One of the things he heard early on was is if you can't talk about what you want to do or about sex with the person you want to have it with, you're not ready to have it yet. And that's a fair statement.
Speaker 2:Because how anxious are we to even open our mouth about what I'm nervous about, what I'm curious about, what I hope for, what my fantasy could be, what I really look? I mean, we could do drips of this and do in dating, but to actually talk about my fear or my uncertainty or my insecurity or even my depth of excitement and connection, what could be and what I think it'll be, and to actually parse that out with the person I want to have this with I mean, even married couples have trouble doing this, oh for sure. For sure.
Speaker 2:So I think it's talk about it more, regardless of your state of relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to think about this with me and Rob, I think my fear would have been if we would have talked about it more before marriage. It would have just made it even harder to not have sex before marriage because you're talking about it. Maybe, so, but I will say we've been married 11 years now and it's probably just been in the past two that we've really been intentionally more open about all the things that you've talked about.
Speaker 2:11 years of marriage yeah, yeah, no, I I think that. Back to your comment, though, if you talk about it more, will it increase the, the stress or the struggle to to restrain from it? If that's one of the goals you've got, I don't. Because, again, the best sex in the in my opinion, the people having the best sex are are coming from it with their character, right, that it's, it's a true on it's them, it's, it's the presence of themselves being there. It's not just what they do or don't do, because sex is sex.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's only so many orifices that you can fill or taste or lick, or there's only so many orifices that you can fill or taste or lick, or stroke or, you know, do things with. There's only so many things we can do. But we evolve as people in our presence of who we are and our capability of who we are as we grow into our own skin better. I mean, that's one of the jokes I've heard which I think is true. I don't know if it's a joke, it's based on. Dr Schnarch made the phrase of cellulite and sexual satisfaction are positively correlated, because typically that means I'm older and I'm more comfortable with who I am. I'm not trying to put on this facade of who I'm not. And that's the best sex, because it's the people. It's not the genitalia, then, and that's the best sex because it's the people.
Speaker 1:It's not the genitalia then. So how many couples would you say like percent wise come to you either with a sexual issue or after you work with them one or both of them, you realize it's a sexual issue.
Speaker 2:Well, I think almost every couple I work with, sex is a part of the conversation and, kimberly, some of this is based on the idea that I believe how you do sex is how you do life and how you do life is how you'll do sex. I think those are interchangeable and they're just a language, and so if I feel like we're stuck, somebody's coming to me because of communication issues that's one of the bigger ones, right, is, we just can't communicate, right? You can usually, in my opinion, blow that out of the water real quick, because I just asked the point blank question of okay, hold on, can you piss each other off? Yeah, well, then you communicate just fine, right, it's, you don't like what's being communicated. That's the bigger issue. And so you can easily spin that into okay, how does this play out in your sex life? How do you communicate? Do you speak up, do you not? And sometimes that gains faster ground than whatever.
Speaker 2:The gridlock issue is over money or time or, you know, desire differences or parenting or whatever. So there's a lot of different ways you can go, and so I think it's a part of the conversation, it's. I mean, well over half of my clientele are coming because, usually because of desire issues, desire differences I want sex more than they do. Or there are some that are coming largely because of a sexual specific dynamic, but then a lot of them still are in there too because of betrayal trauma. You know, some of those different things that are just wreak havoc in everybody's upbringing to some degree, it seems. So it's a lot of different ways we can go with it and I just try to adjust to whatever's going to gain the most traction the fastest with couples.
Speaker 1:So what are some things that you encourage people to do when there are desire differences?
Speaker 2:So first I try to help them realize that they're just points on a continuum. So first I try to help them realize that they're just points on a continuum. Neither one has the high ground, right. The higher desire spouse does not have a more justified stance than the lower desire, but the way it typically unfolds is the lower desire is labeled as the one with the problem. Why would she? Why would she let's go with that on a stereotypical, although trend is, you know, 25% the wife is the higher desire of the couples I see, and some of the colleagues I talk to that do a lot in the field too, but they're often thought of as the lower desire has a problem. But what if the sex that's being offered isn't really worth having because it's one sided right, it's bad? So why would the higher desire want multiple helpings of really bad sex? Maybe that's a bigger problem, right, because they're using it to escape, not actually connect. They're using it to feel propped up and validated, not actually feel love and compassion and joy and give and service. And there's a lot of different components and nuances that play out in sex, and so I just try to help them see, neither one is right or wrong.
Speaker 2:So how do you play your role better? Because if you're the lower desire partner, your job majority of the time is respond. You know that's the idea of Emily Nagowski's come as you are, spontaneous versus responsive desire. That a lot of times do you respond. And we start talking in the nuances of what helps. You realize you do respond. So the higher desire sees it as just because they're not thinking about it day in and day out does not mean they're not sexual, because they do perform and function well and orgasm and connect. You know. But they just need something instigated differently. And then for the higher desire it's recognizing you usually are responsible for a bulk of the initiation. That's just the way it goes, because you want it more than she or he does.
Speaker 1:So with that, let's stay there for a couple of more minutes, okay. What if the higher desire spouse, though, gets sick of constantly initiating and they're like, please, do something back. Like, please, I don't feel like you want this because you're not initiating it. So do they really just have to come to terms with? This is my lot in life.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's. I don't think it's that dire. This is my lot in life. I don't know if it's. I don't think it's that dire. It is recognizing, though. First and foremost, you need to ask yourself some pointed questions of is what I'm offering really worth having and being a part of? But then the other side of this equation that I hear, because this is when you said if the higher desire reaches and I almost interrupted you to say when the higher desire reaches that book, because it will, it will happen. So instead it's recognizing.
Speaker 2:Ok, how do you see this as an entirety of a language in your, in your marriage? Right that Esther Perel made the comment of foreplay starts after orgasm, because you're actually starting to set up the next one. It's not just the formal window I actually get to touch my partner, it's how do I interact? How do I keep it as part of the dialogue? How do I keep it as part of the dynamic? And typically the higher desire partner is more overtly sexual, by nature, or by biology, or by wiring, or you know there's a lot of different factors of what make people seek out more sex than their partner. So they do need to recognize.
Speaker 2:I may have to take and risk more rejection in my life with this aspect of my life. But this is where it's so weird, Kimberly and hopefully this resonates Whenever a higher desire partner if I'm working with a husband, when they come at me with the idea of, yeah, I've just given up and I'm like, okay, how is that not already rejection, though You're still living in a state of rejection. What's cleaner for what it is you really want, though? What's a cleaner? Rejection? Because there's a part in our psychology you probably have come across this in the schooling and in the work you do.
Speaker 2:It's a part in our psychology that knows when I've done my best. It hurts a little less. It may not have been fulfilled, but I know I put in a good effort, I know I offered up something good and in that case, the lower desire partner it was bad judgment for them to not want to be a part of that, but there are times where it's good judgment for them to say no, and I need to then examine myself on what made that a good judgment for them, and it could be because I've had a history of being selfish, or it could be I've had a history of this is just helping me prop up my ego or help me go to sleep, but it actually wakes my partner up, you know, and well, those are bigger dilemmas. That we're not talking about sex, then we're talking about functioning in life, and when I can face that, I can typically address my part of it better and then find an elegant solution possibly.
Speaker 1:Are there any things that people can do or that you would encourage them to do whether it be gender-based or personality-based, for like? Here's something you could work on as an individual that will have a positive impact on your sex life.
Speaker 2:Again, this is the simple question of asking yourself regularly would I want to be married to me? Would I want to have sex with me? Would I want to parent with me? I want to work alongside me, because there's elements of I'm blind to some of these things until I ask the question.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, that's the whole I've. I had a client years ago, not on the sex subject, it was on the money subject. Um, he is so mad at his wife because she wouldn't tell him the truth about what she was spending. And he found out when the statements came in and they would erupt and they weren't dire right these. This was a pretty affluent couple, so it wasn't huge in the sense of what the fallout could be. And at one point she actually told him something honest in the session and he lost his mind for about 20 seconds. I mean, I actually witnessed what happens, probably at home, even tenfold higher maybe at home. And then he caught himself and I'm like does it make sense now why she has trouble telling you the truth because you lose your cool?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not that it's not going to hurt.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But if you can learn to regulate yourself a little better, that puts better pressure and cleaner pressure on the dynamic for her to come forward and say what really bothers and disappoints possibly. So if I put out the idea of am I living something that's really worth that? That's a value, a value Not just me as a person, but what I'm offering, then I can usually find my blind spots or where I'm really taking the shortcuts. And if I work on that, I change the pressure, I make it cleaner.
Speaker 1:So let's speak the unspoken. What are those things, especially in sex, that we would want to show up as that? You would say this is the way to act to treat your partner, to show up as yourself. This is what makes great sex.
Speaker 2:Well, so somebody has to lead all the way through. That's not always the same person, but somebody has to be willing to take the lead Because, typically speaking, when you have a responsive desire partner which one of you is in comparison typically then somebody has to set the stage of what are we going to do. But a lot of times it seems like I don't know if this happens in your marriage, if I'm going to poke and get a little personal. Lot of times it seems like I don't know if this happens in your marriage, if I'm going to poke and get a little personal, but it seems like a lot of times one person is the initiator and then they hope the reins are held over, you know, handed over to the other person, and they'll take the lead for a little bit and then I get it back. Or, and then we also just a lot of couples just get into okay, how do we get over the hump to get it started? Then we just follow a script, it, then we just follow a script.
Speaker 2:We do the same thing every time because it's reliable, right, it gets the job done Well. In the long run, that's not going to work out well, right, if you constantly just operate according to script A, you know, and maybe C and D are vacation level things, but A and B are all what you do at home. It's going to get boring and monotonous and one or both of you are probably going to be like what are we doing? It satisfies on a biological, physical level, but that's it. And so how do you bring yourself forward more to realize I'm going to have to lead or set a tone. And then the other thing you've got to recognize is how do you just engage in the moment better and say no, offer audibles of a change, no, let's do that, you know.
Speaker 2:And then it becomes a follow, the connection, because our best moments in sex are usually the ones that had just enough anxiety of novelty, but also the presence of each of us. There was a relax, there was a flow, there was a. We were kind of reading each other. It was kind of obvious hey, no, do this. No, stay there, you know. Or sometimes it's vocal, sometimes it's physical, with your hands or your body position, but it's you can kind of just sense it when they're there. I mean every couple if they've been married and had sex with the same person. They link the time. They know the times when their partner's only there and physical. But yet is that enough?
Speaker 1:When you say just enough anxiety in the novelty, so you mean trying something that's new but not so overwhelming or so new or so uncomfortable that it's debilitating.
Speaker 2:Right? Well, fundamentally speaking, just in our wiring, what is the difference between something that's anxiety-based, that brings about fear, versus anxiety-based that brings about excitement? The actual thing in and of itself is typically the same. It's the label and the meaning I put on it. I can't see myself doing that. So therefore I've got fear, or wow, I really want to test that out. That's excitement, but it's the same thing, and so a lot of times it's the novel and it's not usually anything huge.
Speaker 2:It's just I opened my eyes, I turned on the lights, I actually got on top, I tried flipping around, facing the other way. We lit a candle, we were in a romantic location. I mean, there's a lot of things. I mean I've worked with couples over the years where, you know, a huge move for them was she took her shirt off. Move for them was she took her shirt off because she had a self-image issue, she didn't like the way her belly felt and looked after childbirth, and there was a lot of things at play. And then you grow into this. You know what? Wait, this is me and he loves me wrinkles and all what am I afraid of? And so it became a huge thing when they turned on the light, or they tried it in the living room, or you know, those are novel and those are the things that stick with us and those are typically outside of just even what we may or may not do.
Speaker 2:How well do I show up? That creates novelty too. Is my presence there that I can? If it doesn't work, I don't lose my cool, I recover and we keep going, we try something different, we reconnect and we go a different route.
Speaker 2:There's a different language that's elegant all the way through and that's that's what creates the best sex, because to me, the couples having the gray sex, the greatest sex out there, are the couples that recover. Well, that's it. It's not what they do or don't do, it's the fact that it may go sideways and they can laugh about it and keep going. Or I lost my connection and you speak up and say hold on, I just totally got caught up in work, give me a moment, and you catch and you kind of recalibrate Both of you do, because usually one of you feeds off off of that as a negative, like how could you, you know? And then you're off to the races and you lose. You've lost it, but instead it's like wait, I really want to be here and now. All of a sudden, you reconnect and you just established a whole new depth.
Speaker 1:That's good. How are you seeing things like pornography affecting a couple's sex life?
Speaker 2:Well, the biggest thing is it skews what happens with real life humans, that it's a lot of times. There's generations now that are being taught their sex education via pornography, sadly, and so it dramatically skews what is life like with a real human being? That isn't, I mean. First off, it it's a virtual thing and it paints women as aggressive sexual beings, which there are some, but majority or not, they're more responsive and since it doesn't mean they don't get incredibly passionate and engaged in and can be coming across as aggressive, but they're not typically grabbing the UPS guy and just throwing them down in the middle of the day, just without any unprompted Right, so, right, um. So it's. It's recognizing that that skews things, um, and then it creates this wiring issue with with people that have used-speed porn, that it creates that progressive diminishing returns struggle that people can have. It's where it takes more and more taboo or edgy or risky to get off.
Speaker 2:And so there takes some serious rewiring, because when pornography is matched with masturbation which is mainly, is what it is, because it's a masturbation industry no vagina is as strong as a hand, just be honest. So there's some rewiring that has to take place.
Speaker 1:And how? How do people rewire?
Speaker 2:How? How do people rewire? Well, so some of the stuff out there talks about doing a reboot, which is where it's a 60-day no ejaculation for men, no orgasm, no stimulation in that fashion to help the brain rewire, and then it just becomes some sensation, work with your partner, some learning to touch. Again, there is an element in one book I've read that I like the idea of healthy masturbation. Where it's not, it's not for the point of orgasm, because most men that are introduced to pornography or to pornography, but masturbation it's a quick I don't want to get caught thing right. As a boy it's like I don't want my parents to know what I'm doing, so it's quick and done well. That translates out into really quick sex a lot of times which then for a wife she's hadn't even really gotten going by the time he's done maybe, and that's a bad equation. So sometimes it's healthy.
Speaker 2:Masturbation can be just learning what feels good and this is encouraged for women too of what touch feels right and where and when and how do I learn my body, and not just the genitalia but all the sensations associated with it. And so it's kind of just a gradual getting back in touch with another human being and realizing I may or may not achieve a goal of orgasm. That's not really the point. Did I achieve some pleasurable touch? Did I achieve some connection? Did I achieve a little bit of being known? Because, ultimately, if you believe married sex is a long game, like I do, I got a long time to really have some really good sex. So all the buildup to it and learning is still part of the equation and it's usually still a pretty good.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah. I'm sure you've seen some of it, but I've been hearing some research and toutings of how the younger generation now is. I don't know if they're calling them asexual or if they're just saying they're getting this digitalized satisfaction and they're not. They're so scared of rejection they don't want to even approach it with another human being.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's that's across society, that's that's beyond just sex, that's that's just I don't know how to handle social situations with other people that if I say something that I could sit let loose on Twitter, I may actually get punched in the eye.
Speaker 2:But in Twitter, I won't Right, and on Instagram I won't, and so it's. I don't have to learn tact and humility and reading cues, and so there's a lot of the divides happening in our world, particularly in the West, that there will be a reckoning of some way. And I don't know which way it'll go, because I'm not necessarily saying we got to go back to always just being hanging out at malls as teenagers again, because I mean, but it's a social mall now, it's an online mall now that they hang out at malls as teenagers again. Because I mean that, but it's, it's, it's a social mall now, it's an online mall now that they hang out at. But but it's, it will play out some way, and that that's kind of scary. I mean I actually just read an article yesterday about robot sex that there is stuff in the works, that they actually have prototypes that are just for sex working in a sense.
Speaker 1:That's like Howard Wallowitz on the Big Bang Theory Wow. So what can parents do to help their kids? Because we started this with you saying religious dogma can have a negative impact on sexual satisfaction in marriage. So how do you balance that with what you are teaching your kids and if you're not wanting them to experience the heartache and physical aspects of having sex before marriage, that could be bad or consequences. Where's the line?
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know if there's actually a line in the sense of we can say here is the hard and fast. I think this is we got to allow room and variances for everybody's value, based in morals that they've got bringing in Right. But then that's my ethical, professional side. I can't all through all throughout sexy marriage radio. I don't ever say I'm not a moral compass for people, but I've got my morality that I live by and that's mine. And but the thing I think we need to do better as parents is just have the conversations with our kids, you know, just continue.
Speaker 2:It's continued dialogues, and we have ample teachable moments, continued dialogues. And we have ample teachable moments regardless of age of child. We have ample teachable moments to say, okay, hold on. Because we pause the TV a lot. We'll talk about things on billboards. I will scan or look over their shoulders.
Speaker 2:Sometimes on their phones it's like what do you suppose they're proposing there and how does that fit with what we believe Right? And it's just dialogues. Where are you? Because they're going to get exposed to it one way or another.
Speaker 2:So how am I walking alongside and being a good source of information to help let them wrestle with stuff, because this isn't truly, I have to pound it in them, and instead it's no, no, I want you to come to an informed decision that's yours, cause that's what's going to increase the likelihood that, when they are in the middle of something that it's easily going to spiral into a sexual encounter, there could likely then be something that steps up and say I don't think I'm really ready for this. I don't think I, and it's not because mom or dad said so. Yeah, it's because it's something I've believed in too, and so I think it's just an ongoing dialogues of hey, what are your friends? What do you hear from them? What does the world propose? How does that line up with what you believe? How do you think it lines up with what we believe as a family? And then the other thing is how am I modeling a really good, vibrant relationship with my spouse?
Speaker 2:for my kids it's important Because they're going to leave hopefully, and I want my wife back right.
Speaker 2:Right, your kids are going to leave, hopefully. Yes, exactly. I mean, yeah, the joke I tell my kids is you guys got to? You know your stay here is temporary, plan accordingly because I want Naked Saturdays back with my wife, right and so. And I've got teenagers, you know, I've got high schoolers now, so they understand that and want it, but it's a natural thing and so it's just. How do we have dialogues about this when warranted? But also on being proactive and being engaged.
Speaker 1:That's really good. That's really good. So tell us a little more about your book Naked Marriage, about Sexy Marriage Radio and about what you do to work with people.
Speaker 2:So Naked Marriage, the book I wrote it, came out in 2016. I'm in the works of getting the audible version of it done.
Speaker 1:Are you going to read it yourself?
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, I've been doing a podcast for a decade, so it doesn't seem right to have some other voice reading the book.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I love when the author reads it. I get so frustrated when there's just some paid person reading the.
Speaker 2:Well, I've had enough people in the audience of Sexy Marriage Radio ping me with dude. You've got all the equipment to have that thing audible. What gives? And I just haven't done it. So that's going to come out could get to working with me on. Just the belief I've got of marriage is designed to help grow us up, period. That's the whole point of it. And how do we face ourselves in the doing of marriage better? Because my spouse isn't the problem, it's me, and when I can face it that way, I can change things. It's the same thing you talk about with attraction. If I can make myself more attractive, then I have a better, I stand a better chance of creating a better relationship. I may not happen, but I got a better chance at it, and the Sexy Marriage Radio has been on the air since 2011. So we're over 10 years in surpassed 10 million downloads early in 2022.
Speaker 2:Love it Weekly show on Wednesdays. My wife is the co-host and then I bring on guests like yourself and occasionally, and we just talk about framing conversations well in marriage, particularly around sex. But we also answer questions in a good, healthy, non-crass, non-vulgar manner that we try to be a go-to resource for believers that they can ask anything, and I think we've covered almost everything that you could. I'm sure there'll be more that still come in. I mean, we haven't covered robot sex yet, so maybe that comes up as a topic Next topic. But what we have is robot sex cheating. So maybe that comes up as a topic Next topic, but what we have is robot sex cheating.
Speaker 1:But we have what would you say? What would you say?
Speaker 2:I would say, in a marital sense, all of my sexual energy needs to be steered towards my spouse. That's a good answer. It does not come from my spouse solely. We need to acknowledge that fact, because there are other things that will get me going. But where do I steer it? That's what matters, and so if I'm steering it to a robot, nah, I don't. That's going to cause problems in my in my book in the long run. So but? But we just talk about whatever is is struggling in topics that the nation wants to hear. And then I have a practice. That's all online. I work with couples predominantly, but I also work a lot with men. I have mastermind groups for husbands that I've been running for about six years, and it's Can they join from anywhere?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Yeah, we meet via Zoom and so I mean, my longest running group has a man in London and a man in Spain in it, and so they've been running for five years as a group now and they're tearing up life in a lot of ways of just doing some really good things and it's just real honest conversations about the world of husbands. And the only hard and fast rule for that group is you can't talk about what you do for a living, so you have to talk about all the other areas of just being a better man, being a better husband, being a better father, especially for men.
Speaker 1:It's our go-to, and so that's that's.
Speaker 2:That's kind of become something that's really valuable and just helping men get out of their own way and and be more engaged in their life leads, set better tones, whatever. There's all kinds of facets of why people are there, but it's really just to help create a place that people can see more vibrancy in their own life, and that's kind of my goal as a counselor too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, tell people where. So where can they find you? Where's the podcast? Where's the book?
Speaker 2:So everything is at smrnationcom. So where can they find you? Where's the podcast? Where's the book platform, too, that's free and then has paid levels, where there's lots of really good dialogue that takes place from shows, basically, but also people can come on, like the lady this morning was on asking a question about some uh, respect issues in her from her husband that she's he's claiming and she's wanting people's take and there's people jumping on helping her and so it's just a. It's a very cool community that's that's forming and that's people jumping on helping her, and so it's just a very cool community that's forming and that's all at smrnationcom is how you find it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're not going to find Dr Allen on social media, but you will find him on SMR Nation.
Speaker 2:Correct, I don't have any social media other than. Youtube, but that's more of a search engine now, more than anything.
Speaker 1:Exactly. Yeah, for sure, but we will include all of the links to that. We'll even include where do you prefer people to buy the book if they want to Amazon, or do you have it on your site?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I do it all through Amazon.
Speaker 1:Yeah, easy yeah.
Speaker 2:The whole point. This is a streamlined lifestyle business that we have going, so it's. We keep it to where it's. It's all what's the simplest way to get good information to people? And we just do that.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely Well. This has been fantastic, amazing conversation. I could ask you hundreds of more questions about sex. Definitely want to have you on again sometime in the future, but thank you so much for joining us. I know our listeners are going to get so much out of it Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's been fun Thanks.
Speaker 1:Here are my key takeaways from this episode with Dr Corey Allen. There were a lot of great things that I loved from this episode, but perhaps my favorite part, my favorite thing that he said was asking the question to yourself would I want to have sex with me? Wow, that's powerful. Would I want to be married to me? Would I want to work with me? Would I want to be my own child? Right Like, just thinking about the relationships you're in and the other person's experience with you is an incredible way for you to start to see some of your own things that you can begin working on to become even more attractive. Would I want to have sex with me?
Speaker 1:My second key takeaway is that great sex is about being your full self, coming into it in I believe he said it in your character, and staying in the moment throughout the experience. So not having to put so much pressure on yourself that it has to be perfect or you need to act a different way. You need to be as open in the sexual encounter as you are with your spouse during your non-sexual encounters. Bring that same liveliness, personality, character, openness, communication, honesty, transparency even into the bedroom or other novel place that you may decide to have sex. And then number three as always, communication is key. So how can you approach the situation where, if your spouse turned you down, or if you turned your spouse down, then it would be bad judgment because you would have missed a great encounter and a great opportunity, and not that it would have been good judgment, because it really wasn't going to be that great anyway. But part of that, a lot of that, is starting with communicating with each other what you like, what you don't like, what you'd like to do and what you would like to do less of, maybe in the future.
Speaker 1:Such a great episode. What are you going to apply? See you next week, Stay strong.
.png)
