The True Measure of Success

Plenty of research talks about how a parent's interaction with their child will affect that child's future. It's called attachment theory, which boils down to the consistency and the quality of a parent's interaction with their child. The research shows there are four primary outcomes in attachment theory, but the only positive one is secure attachment. Secure attachment means that the child will believe that mom and dad will always be there when they need them.

There are seven characteristics of strong families, the most important being quantity of time, not quality. The question is, what is most important to you? Financial stability is vital for any family, but is there a way to balance your work and family life?

Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships


Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Cost of Chasing Success
• 8:43 The Importance of Being There
• 18:48 Prioritizing Family and Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Growing up I saw both sides of success, the good and the bad. You see, growing up I was never really in want for much of anything. My dad was a very successful speaker. He was traveling all over the world doing corporate sales training, but also he was very successful and well-known in the church world as well and he would go and he would do great things. He one year even worked with a small division of Sears in their sales training and he helped that division triple their sales in one quarter, which was fantastic. I can only imagine if all of Sears had decided to work with him then maybe they wouldn't be bankrupt today. But he was good at what he did and when he would speak at churches it moved people and encouraged them and influenced them to change their life and to do better things. And if any of the listeners know my dad, dr Joe Beam, then you know that he has a gift for speaking and I admired my dad for it All of my years growing up. I really, really did, and because of his success I had everything I could have ever wanted, except for the credit card that I started asking for at five years old, which I never did get. I had everything I could want, except for one thing.

Speaker 1: 1:26

It was at the height of my dad's speaking career that year. He was traveling about 40 weeks of the year that is how busy he was and I really spent most of my time with my dad when my mom and I were either driving him to the airport or picking him up when he got home from some kind of speaking engagement that he went to do. And it was in that time, at that year, that and even probably the year that he maybe even made the most money of his life that one day he was gearing up to leave again for another trip, I didn't know where, I didn't know to who. All I knew is that he was about to go and there were some things that he forgot that he had to go pack for his trip and I needed to go to Walmart to pick some things up. And so I went with him, eager to spend some time with him before he flew out. And as we were coming back from Walmart late at night I was about eight years old I looked over at him and I said Dad, I know why you love to travel so much. In later years we would talk about this and he would recount to me that his heart swelled with pride as he was eager to hear how, I would hopefully say, because of all the good he was doing or because of all the lives that he was changing. But his heart broke when, instead, my response was it's because you don't want to spend time with me.

Speaker 1: 2:56

My dad had a decision to make in that moment. Was he going to spend the rest of my time living at home the next 10 years, continuing this high-paced lifestyle and chasing success? Or was he going to admit that perhaps, by doing what he loved, he was sacrificing being with who he loved? Success success it's such a strange word because when you actually look at the dictionary definition of it, it has nothing to do with money, but it is laced with undertones of million dollar mansions, sleek and sexy cars and extraordinary experiences, extravagant indulgences. Surely success is somehow tied to a paycheck or a promotion or a title, because that's what so many people are chasing, and it's not that any of those things are bad. I think it is a great ambition to want to provide nice things and a great life for your family and to want to be generous to those around you. I think it is honorable to want to leave a legacy for your future generations to come. But my question to you today is at what cost? It was, at the same time that I was asking my dad the question of why he loved to travel so much and would he consider being home with me that there was a very successful realtor in the state that I grew up in in Georgia. He was the top realtor in the entire state, so you can imagine how much money he was making. And he was speaking at a convention, at a sales conference, and he got up on stage and he said to the people you know, sometimes my kids complain because I'm not there for them. They whine, they talk about it. And so what I decided to do was I put them in the car and I drove them over to the projects and we just spent some time watching the people who lived there, where they lived, what they wore, what kind of car they drove. And so I turned to my kids and I said I could stop working and we could live here, or I can keep working and you can keep your private schools and your nice cars and your spending allowance. Which one would you choose? They were teenagers. What were they supposed to say? And, even worse, what were the values that he was teaching them in that moment? So they responded you work, keep working.

Speaker 1: 5:58

There's ample research out there that talks about how, based on a parent's interaction with their child, it will affect that child's future for the rest of their life. It's called attachment theory. Many of you may have heard of it I'm sure many of you have, knowing the audacity of my listeners to know about relationship theories and relationship psychology. But in attachment theory it really boils down to based on the consistency and the quality of a parent's interaction with their child. One out of four outcomes that are kind of on a spectrum will be the outcome. Either a child will be anxious when a parent is inconsistent in their giving of what the child needs, or if a parent is completely disengaged and not giving of what the child needs, or if a parent is completely disengaged and not giving of what a child needs, then that child could end up being more on the avoidant or anywhere in between on the spectrum of anxious and avoidant. But there's only one outcome that you want for your child and it's that secure attachment. And if you boil all of the research down, secure attachment really boils down to one thing it's a child believing that my mom or my dad is going to be there for me when I need them.

Speaker 1: 7:22

It's all about being there and not just being there, in sometimes not just being there and in wanting to have quality time with the short amount of time that you're there, but it's about the quantity time. My dad actually was involved in a longitudinal research study of what makes strong families at the date that it was done it's a book called Fantastic Families and at that date it was done I believe it was the longest longitudinal research study that had been conducted on families Really fascinating, and what they found was there's seven characteristics of strong families. One of those is not quality time. It's not about taking one night a week or one day a month or heavens forbid one week a year. It's not about only taking a short time and trying to make the most of it by filling it with activities and hugs and all the things you can do in the short time. No, it's not quality time, it is quantity time. Quantity time according to the research, the more time that you're with your family, the stronger your family will be, and we see the same thing with attachment theory at the workshops that we do at marriage helper.

Speaker 1: 8:43

I can tell you story after story of when people share at those workshops about their experience from their childhood, how that experience has absolutely impacted and affected the relationship that they're in today. Many of you probably feel this. Maybe you already know you're a bit more anxious or a bit more avoidant, and it's based on an experience you had either with your parents in childhood. But attachment theory can also be based off of a serious romantic relationship. It could be a first serious romantic relationship or it could be a recent serious romantic relationship that has led you to feel abandoned or inconsistently having needs met, all of those things. But it all boils down to this you build attachment, you build strong relationships, you build strong families by being there. There is no replacement for it. You could give your family all of the things, but what your family wants is you.

Speaker 1: 9:58

What I wanted was my dad, and I thank God that he chose his family. What did he do? He did not move us all to a farmstead to live off the land in the countryside. Thank Jesus. We would all be dead, I guarantee it To this day. My family would consider roughing it to be a slow door dash delivery.

Speaker 1: 10:22

But he did make some major changes. He actually went from being in that corporate world, that high-paced lifestyle, to moving our family from Augusta, georgia, up to Nashville, tennessee, so he would have more local opportunities. When he would travel he would take me and my family with him. Me and my mom, my two older sisters would go Sometimes. My middle sister was in college so she didn't go all of the time. When he would travel. She went some, and then my oldest sister is mentally handicapped so she would go on some of the trips but other times she would stay with my grandparents. But overall we began to make it a family experience when he would go speak every year in New Mexico or every year in Colorado or out at Pepperdine University every year. It was something that it became a ritual of my family that we would all just go with him and that made so many memories To this day. I love travel because of the travel experiences I got to have with my dad and with my mom. I so appreciate what he did and what he gave up.

Speaker 1: 11:37

But it wasn't always easy. In fact, after we made the move to Nashville and my dad even further, well before we even made the move to Nashville, he decided to leave the corporate life and start an organization called Marriage Helper. That wasn't its name at the very beginning, but that's what it is now, because he and my mom wanted to do something that would have more impact in the world, and also something that would have more impact with his family, with us, would allow him to be with us more. And so that's what he did. He was starting to feel unfulfilled anyway with the corporate world, even though it provided a lot of money, did not provide a lot of purpose, and so he switched. He built this amazing organization that I am blessed today to be the CEO of, but it wasn't without its difficulties. In fact, even a couple of years after he originally started Marriage Helper, he went from making the most money he had ever made in his life to living below the poverty line. My parents could have qualified for welfare, they could have qualified for food stamps in that time because they gave it all up to start Marriage Helper and it was hard for several, several years for them.

Speaker 1: 13:04

So, yes, there were times in my life where, honestly, I was a spoiled brat. I had everything I could have ever wanted, and then there were times in my life when I was the one helping support my family because I was old enough at that time to work. I was paying for all of my own things, but I was more than happy to do that because my dad was there. My mom was there. I had a strong family and I am so thankful that, even though my dad gave up some of that financial success and there's no way I will ever get a $10 million inheritance, but I don't care $10 million inheritance, but I don't care Would the wealth be nice? I guess so, but nothing could ever replace the relationship I have with my family. And I'm reminded. Even now, as I'm in my thirties and I'm as the CEO of this company and I'm doing all of these things, I'm constantly having to ask myself but am I putting my first priority first?

Speaker 1: 14:20

Even just this past week, I had to go to a conference, or I was invited to go to a conference down in Birmingham and give this speech actually to a group of tech people and some amazing tech organizations and private equity groups. I honestly don't know why I was in the room, except I was able to deliver this same message, which deeply impacted many of the people that were at that conference. But even when I got home, when I walked in that back door or our back door and I saw my son, he was sitting on the couch. When he saw me come in, he he piped up and he kind of ran over, not completely to me but to where he could see me better, and he paused.

Speaker 1: 14:58

My son for many of you who don't know, both of my children are siblings and they are adopted from India, but they are. They are biological siblings. For the first two years of my son's life he wasn't held. He was in an orphanage and they didn't want him to attach too much to any of the workers at the orphanage and so he was held some, but he wasn't really held. I remember the first videos and pictures that we got of him when he was held some, but he wasn't really held. I remember the first videos and pictures that we got of him when he was about a year and a half old. He was just sitting on the floor alone, glazed look in his eyes, not really involved, with the world around him, not smiling. It's heartbreaking to think about but because he was not having his needs met by a mom or a caregiver or anyone when he got home from India.

Speaker 1: 15:57

I had to be both Rob and I had to be so intentional with building that attachment with him, and it could only be done by me being there for him. It was a little bit different with my daughter, eliana. She was much quicker to attach to me, especially than than Arrow was, and so I had to take the Cheerios when I would feed him and hold them in front of my eyes just so that he would glance into my eyes for a second, so that he could begin to see I'm meeting his needs, I'm giving him food, I'm giving him what he needs to survive. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, and I did that, meal after meal, day after day, week after week. I promise I fed him more than Cheerios, but that is what I did in order to build his trust that I was going to be there for him. And slowly he would hold eye contact with me. Before that he wouldn't even look me in the eye, which is a sign of complete disattachment, but slowly he started looking me in the eye. Then he began to mimic my facial expressions. Then he began to feel comfortable touching me and not pushing me away.

Speaker 1: 17:13

We slowly built attachment, but it took time, it took intentionality, it took me being there. And here we are, three years later, and there's still a look in his eye. There's still a look in his eye after I've been gone for a couple of days on a work trip. And I see it. I see the look in his eye that says why weren't you here for me? And it makes me emotional to even think about, because even I'm trying to balance this. So the irony is not lost on me that I am giving a podcast, giving speeches about the importance of being there, while I also am figuring out how to be there. After those couple of seconds where Arrow was giving me that look with his eye of why weren't you here? Where have you been? I just stood there, stayed there, looking at him, smiling, and after that couple of seconds he ran up to me, gave me this huge hug and the rest of the night was great. So now that I'm home, it's even more important for me to double down and be there for him for the next couple of days. I know that. I know that because of past experience and I know that I know that because of past experience and I know that because I know it's what he needs.

Speaker 1: 18:48

And this is the tension as parents, this is the tension as spouses that we have things that we want to do, that we love to do. Maybe you are a working person, you have a career, you have something you love to do, maybe you are a stay at home parent, but there's still things that you love to do, there's still time that you need for yourself. And we as parents, we as spouses, we are constantly caught in this tension. The question is what is most important to you? You may be thinking it's too late, my kids are too old, my marriage is too far gone. My encouragement to you today is that it's never too late to give your children a happy childhood and it's never too late to give your spouse and yourself a happy marriage. I'm so blessed that my dad knew the importance of being there. He knew that strong families started with strong marriages and strong marriages started with present people.

Speaker 1: 19:58

But even for those of you who may be divorced and you are parenting solo, you still have this same encouragement for you that strong families, strong attachment, starts with being there. And yes, it's a balance. You can't and I don't know that you should go completely to the other side, where you're always by your children's side, never let them go, never let them be away from you. But it's this balance a balance of you're able to go away and come back and your child or your spouse because this never stops being important in our lives understands that you will be there for them when they need you, that you will be there for them when they need you. The goal is you all get to a place where you're strong and interdependent Interdependent being that you're fine, you're strong, you're capable to be away from each other, but you have a longing and an excitement to be able to come back together, instead of there being a void in your life where you're needing to come back together or where you put a wall up where you don't believe the other person is going to be there for you.

Speaker 1: 21:10

But that's what all of this boils down to Showing the other person through your words and your actions. More importantly, your actions, words and your actions. More importantly, your actions that you will be there for them physically, to hold them, to touch them. Intellectually, to talk with them, to have conversations when they need to talk about things emotionally, to be there in the good days to celebrate and on the bad days to support them and spiritually to teach them and live out your beliefs and values in front of them so that they know how to live in this world. You use the pies to be there for the people in your life. It's important for your children. It's important for your relationships, your marriage. It's important for you, for your relationships, your marriage, it's important for you. So my question to you is what about you when the decision comes and it will come what will you choose?