It Starts With Attraction
Revealing secrets on how to become the most attractive you can be Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and Spiritually (or as us insiders call it...the PIES). Listen to weekly episodes. Join a course or get more info at kimberlybeamholmes.com
It Starts With Attraction
10 Things You Can Do To Feel More Attractive
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Feeling unattractive? You're not alone! Discover 10 uplifting strategies to reclaim your self-worth and feel fabulous again! Tune in to our latest episode and transform your outlook! What's your go-to feel-good strategy?
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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On today's episode, we're going to be talking about what you can do if you feel unattractive. Listen, this happens to me every so often, maybe even more than every so often, but for whatever reason, either because I'm just depressed, feel kind of down about myself, or maybe it's because it's during the holidays or right after the holidays and I just feel a bit more bloated than normal. I just go through a phase where I just feel unattractive, and if you are in that phase or have been in that phase, you're not alone. I would venture to say probably 100% of people will feel this way at some point in a month or in a year, and especially in their life. So then, what can you do? Because here's the thing Most of the time when we get to feeling bad about ourselves, we tend to turn towards habits that aren't healthy for us.
Speaker 1:Whether that's going back to a person that you shouldn't go to, or eating overeating, stress eating, or getting that pint of ice cream to make you feel better, or just doom scrolling, there are typically unhealthy behaviors or habits that we turn to when we don't feel good about ourselves. So in today's episode, we're going to cover the 10 things that you can do that are healthy, that are good, that are positive when you're feeling unattractive. Let's dive into point number one. The first thing that I want to do, actually before we even get into point number one, is give the framework for how I've been thinking about this and how we're going to talk about it in today's episode. As many of you know, if you've been longtime listeners of the show, the pies is the framework that we use to help us center ourselves and focus ourselves on the things that we can do to help us look and feel our best for where we are in life, and that PIES framework stands for physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. These are the four areas of attraction. They are the four ways that we can focus on becoming our best selves, and so it gives us a framework to build upon, to work from, and so, in many of the episodes on, it Starts With Attraction.
Speaker 1:We talk about physical parts of attraction, we talk about sleep, we talk about food, we talk about exercise, the things that you can begin to do physically to feel the best that you can for your age and situation in life. Intellectually, this is all about continuing to grow your mind, continuing to invest in doing things that you enjoy, doing that make you a fascinating person. The E is emotional attraction. If I didn't say it that I is intellectual attraction, the E is emotional attraction, and that one's all about evoking emotions that we enjoy feeling within ourselves and evoking emotions within others that they enjoy feeling. Both of these are really key aspects of emotional attraction. And then we have spiritual attraction, which is living in line and growing in your beliefs and values.
Speaker 1:And so here it's taking the focus outside of ourselves and focusing on something much bigger, which we're going to talk about today. So that's the framework we're using to go through how we can begin to feel attractive when we've been feeling unattractive. So the first point that we're going to talk about today is change up how you look. I don't know about you, but for me, typically when I'm feeling unattractive, it's mostly because physically I'm feeling unattractive first, and it's mostly because I have neglected to focus on some area of my physical attraction, whether that be I've been just stress eating or holiday eating, and I haven't really been focusing on eating as healthy as I can. So then I start to feel a little more plump than normal and that just can get me down. Or it's because maybe I haven't taken taking care of myself, like gotten a haircut recently, or some of those things that can just spruce up and freshen up how I feel about myself. So for women, some of those things can be getting a haircut, getting your eyebrows done if you get your lashes done, and then going to get your lashes done just to kind of that general grooming. Or maybe it's going and getting a new outfit, something that is going to accentuate your current body and your current body style that you have and make you feel good.
Speaker 1:Here's another thing that doesn't make us feel good is when we have those clothes from three, five, 10 years ago that are hanging in our closet. And we're like from three, five, 10 years ago that are hanging in our closet and we're like, oh, I'm going to wear that again as soon as I lose this weight. But we're just staring at it and we are feeling frumpy about ourselves in this venture to lose this weight so that we can wear these clothes that we feel like we look good in again. Just don't do that. Buy some clothes that look good and make you look good for where you are right now. Instead of trying to punish yourself back into those old jeans, buy a pair of jeans and feel freaking good about yourself. It's going to give you the encouragement and the motivation you need to actually stay on track. I understand it doesn't seem like that's what it's going to be. It feels like if we punish ourselves and try and force ourselves to lose weight to get back into those clothes we love that that's going to be the motivation, but it's the wrong kind of motivation. The right kind of motivation is when we do something because we genuinely want to do it, not because we feel like we have to. So go buy yourself clothes that look good for where you are right now and then get to the real positive motivation of doing what you actually want to do to lose weight and to get healthy and to feel good about yourself. But don't punish yourself on the way there.
Speaker 1:For guys, some of the things that y'all can do is kind of the same like get a haircut, trim up your beard. Maybe you even want to try a completely new style. Then go get some new clothes. It's very similar. Maybe you're not going to go get your lashes done or your eyebrows or anything like that, but there are things for both genders that we can do to just feel better in our skin right now. That can really change the way that we feel about ourselves, especially in the short term, which may just be the boost you need to keep you motivated.
Speaker 1:Point number two is try out a new hobby. Sometimes we can get so enveloped in our own mental state and the overwhelm and stress of life that we forget to do the things that make life fun. Think about some hobbies that you've been wanting to try. Maybe it's you want to go paint, or you want to learn a new language, or you want to learn to play a musical instrument, whatever it might be. Carve out the time on your schedule, maybe once a week or even once a month, and make it a priority to go do that thing. It'll get you out of your normal routine. It'll get you doing something different, which is a great way to boost creativity. It's a great way to change your demeanor and your outlook on life and can definitely reset your focus into more positive things. So what's a new hobby you wanna try? Go and make that a priority.
Speaker 1:The third thing is to go and do something fun. Plan a night out with friends. Go get your girlfriends, your guy friends, maybe even just going to lunch with someone or getting coffee, even going for a walk or a hike. Go and do something with someone who is going to lift up your spirits. Laughing is a great way to start feeling good about yourself again. And here's another great thing when we laugh, we're seen as more attractive, especially women, and I know there's a double standard there, but it's so true. Like having joy is actually attractive. Because who wants to be best friends with Eeyore? I love Eeyore, he's one of my favorites from Winnie the Pooh because I feel for him. But at the end of the day, when we're constantly around someone who's just doom and gloom, really, really in a sad state of mind, then it's hard. It's hard for us to be excited and happy and have a good outlook on life. And so if you're struggling with being negative, nancy, then maybe it's time for you to change your outlook by going and doing something fun laughing and being a person of joy once again.
Speaker 1:The fourth thing that you can do is go and volunteer, find a place to go and serve others. As I said earlier, when we are stuck in our own mental messes, when we are frustrated with the situations happening in our lives, that tends to lead to these unhealthy behaviors overeating, not exercising, not getting enough sleep, and everything can fall out of whack when we go and we volunteer and we serve people who need some extra tender love and care. That is a great way to reset our mindset and reset our priorities. Last year, I went to Kenya and it was such an amazing trip. Not because really of what I went to go do it wasn't, like you know, I went and changed a bunch of stuff, but I did have an amazing opportunity to take the things that we teach at Marriage Helper and take some of our team members at Marriage Helper and go and teach pastors in Kenya the Marriage Helper methodology so that they can begin using it in their churches. And they had never been trained on marriage ever.
Speaker 1:I mean, these are pastors that have congregations and they had never been taught how to have a healthy marriage themselves, much less how to teach on marriage, and so it was a great opportunity to take something that we had and to go and teach other people, not because we were better than them, but because we genuinely cared and wanted to partner and help them do something that we knew how to do, and that's really what volunteering is it's taking something that you care about or something that you know to do and helping other people to do it as well. Or maybe another way to view it is it's going and taking of your time or your talents and going and serving to help others. And it may be that you just volunteer at a soup kitchen or at a crisis pregnancy center, but that makes such a difference for the people who come to utilize that service. The other thing it does is it takes you out of your worldview. I can tell you that when I was walking through the slums of Kibera in Nairobi, kenya, which is the largest slum in all of Africa, and as we were taking food to widows, I felt so completely Like what can I even do to really truly help these people? Because it was hard to look poverty in the eye. It was so overwhelming. And when we got back to the place that we were staying, I remember just going into the bathroom and just crying, thinking poverty seems so unsolvable, like where do you even begin to help these people have a different future and a different life? And while it can sometimes feel like you're throwing the starfish back into the ocean, where there's hundreds of thousands on the sand and we can just do one at a time, and we can look at it on the grand scale and say, gosh, what difference is this even making? But on the micro level scale, for every one starfish that's thrown back, it matters to them, and that's true of every way that we serve, and you know what People have served me in ways that have absolutely changed my life. And so find a place that you can give back, that you can mentor, that you can serve, that you can volunteer, and you'll begin to feel different about yourself, and maybe the situations going on in your life that are leading to some of your unhappiness and feeling unattractive will look completely different in light of your new worldview.
Speaker 1:The fifth thing is praying for others. As I said earlier, the spiritual part of attraction is a really important part of how we grow. When you think about the pies, it's kind of like layers of an onion. That's not necessarily the greatest example, because onions don't seem super attractive. They make people cry, but you know that the deeper you get there's these. There's a outer layer, and the deeper you get you get to the core of it. Maybe you can think of it as a cake that has like a bunch of pudding and sprinkles in the very middle. So it's like an exciting thing to try and get to the center of. But the key here is that the deeper you get into your pies, the physical is that first outer layer. It's kind of the most shallow. That doesn't mean that it doesn't matter, because it does. But bear with me, when it comes to being attractive to other people, physical is actually the least important part of attraction long-term. It doesn't mean that it's not important. It just means of all the other ones that end up being important in long-term relationships, the physical one is the least important, but we tend to go a bit deeper.
Speaker 1:Intellectually, you're getting to know how someone thinks, what they like, what they don't like. Emotionally, you're getting to know about who they are, about how they treat others, about the things that have affected them, about past childhood experiences, about future hopes and dreams. But then when we get to the spiritual part, you're getting to the core of a person. This is where their deepest and inmost secrets live. Their sins, their desires, their passion, the things that make them angriest and the things that they care most about are on the deepest level. And that's where this spiritual part comes from, because so much of the spiritual part of attraction is about wanting to make a difference.
Speaker 1:It's about, I mean, for me as a Christian, the things that I want to do and the desires that I have are completely formed by my faith in Jesus, and so wanting to align with His desires for my life and seeking Him is a huge part of what guides my goals, my intentions, the things that I care about, the things that I want to do in my life. But the thing is, I can get so involved in thinking what does God want from me and for me that I can forget that God is the God of everyone in the entire world. He doesn't just care about me, but he does care about me. But he cares about you and he cares about entire nations, the entire world. And so one of the things that my pastor said this past Sunday was if you feel like your prayer life is getting boring, maybe it's because you find yourself praying mostly for you. That hit hard. And I thought, man, yeah, like the majority of my prayers are God, show me this, do this for me. And it's not that those things are bad, but how much more important is it to see the people in my community, see my friends, see my family and remember to consistently be praying and seeking and asking God for the things that they are wanting change for in their life. And so this week I've been incredibly intentional about the friend I have that's struggling with fertility. The things that are pulling on my heartstrings this week have been so much more communal in nature, and it's been so refreshing to pray for others, especially when I feel like I've only been praying for myself. And you know what I feel different? I feel different about my life, I feel different about myself. I feel better. So, while it may sound strange, my fifth point is to pray for yourself and for others and see how that changes your outlook.
Speaker 1:The sixth point is stop the negative self-talk and start the positive self-talk. As many of you know, I'm completing my PhD in psychology, and one of the things that I studied early on in my PhD process was about how important visualization and self-talk is in performance psychology specifically. So for people who are super high performers and get a lot of stuff done think CEOs, high level athletes, navy SEALs, all of those kind of people that are considered elite, that elite group of people Well, what are the things that they do that allow them to accomplish so much. They have a mental vision and an image of what they want to accomplish, and an image of what they want to accomplish. They can see it incredibly clearly and the way that they speak to themselves about it allows a growth mindset to happen.
Speaker 1:So saying things like I'm just not smart enough, I just can't do that, there's no way I could follow that exercise plan. Or I'm just so stupid. Or, gosh, I'm just so ugly, I wish that I was thinner, I wish my arms were bigger, I wish my legs were smaller. Whatever it is you might be saying to yourself, the positive or the negative self-talk is absolutely thwarting your efforts to feel attractive again. Instead, focus on saying things that are true and also that are positive, things like I am capable. Things may be hard, but I can figure it out, I am strong, I am getting to where I want to be. Look for the good things in you and say those things and when you're feeling maybe kind of frumpy, say I am worthy, I have value, I have purpose. Instead of putting so much of that on your looks, really think of who you are as a person. Your looks are not who you are as a person. When you focus on that positive self-talk. It can get you further, faster, to feeling attractive again.
Speaker 1:I can't tell you how many times I have felt really unattractive. Maybe it was, you know, in the middle of the holiday season I feel this a lot. I'm like, oh it's so hard for, but that shouldn't affect my self-worth. And so what I say to myself is I'm going to use this energy and go and kill some workouts. I'm going to use it as fuel to go and lift some heavy things or run really fast, and that always makes me feel better. And maybe for you you're not where you want to go and try and back squat 200 pounds or run a seven and a half minute mile and you don't have to.
Speaker 1:But when you're feeling kind of down, especially about yourself, even just going outside and going for a walk can help you to feel better. It gets your blood circulating. It's good exercise. Exercise, especially the more intense it is, does things in your muscles. That releases these different chemicals that have these feel good qualities that you begin feeling. So go walk, go work out. And the next point that goes right into that is get some sunshine.
Speaker 1:Especially in the months of winter it can be really hard because we can tend to struggle with seasonal depressive disorder. We can tend to have seasonal affective disorder because we aren't outside as much. Right now, as of the time of filming this, it's been like seven degrees in Nashville for a week. It's been insane. It's been so cold and so typically y'all know me I'm the one who's always like I'm outside doing my walk at 7 am. I have not gone outside to go for a walk in several weeks. So what have I been doing? Because I know it's still important to get that sunshine, to get that fresh air, to keep having these healthy habits because it helps me to feel good about myself.
Speaker 1:So I have a vitamin D light. I got it on Amazon it was like 12 bucks and I have it in my kitchen so that every morning when I wake up and it's kind of just like propped up against the wall, where there's a window, there's like a coffee bar or you know, um, just like where I pull up some bar stools and a counter. There's a countertop where we pull up some bar stools and so that's where I do my morning Bible study, it's where I drink my coffee and I just turn that light on and it's not even light outside yet, but this has. I think it's like 10 or 12,000 lumens, so it's a super strong light that is similar to nothing can ever be the equivalent, but it's as similar inside as you can get to the strength of the sun. And so I sit in front of that for a good 30 minutes as I'm reading my Bible, as I'm journaling, as I'm drinking my coffee, and so at least I'm doing that.
Speaker 1:And then I have a treadmill in my garage and I only use it in months like this where it's just so freaking cold, and I just open up the garage door and I'll do my walk, I'll do my zone two, maybe I'll do a run, but I'll do it on the treadmill. I open the garage door so the sunlight can come in, and my treadmill is kind of pushed up as far as it can be to be as close to the garage door as possible, and it's a little bit warmer because I'm not getting the wind. You know, half of it's inside, but also I'm bit warmer because I'm not getting the wind, half of it's inside, but also I'm working up a sweat, so I may have on a sweatshirt, but it's enough. And so that's what I do and that's how I continue to get sunshine, continue to get exercise, even when it's cold outside. And it makes such a difference because, y'all, I can't tell you how bad I feel about myself if I don't have my habits, if I'm not waking up, doing my Bible study, doing my journaling, doing my workouts and eating right. It absolutely affects how I feel about myself and I can feel really unattractive pretty quick.
Speaker 1:So, find a way, find a way. There's going to be a ton of excuses that you'll think of of. Well, here's why I can't do all of this in the winter. Where there's a will, there's a way. That's the one thing that my mother, my mother, taught me a lot of things, but that is one key thing that my mother always taught me. And also, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all unless you're going to say bless your heart. To say don't say anything at all unless you're going to say bless your heart. Those are key wisdom insights from Alice B. And then, eating right. That's another key point. Here, again, you have the ability to make smart choices and it doesn't mean that you have to throw everything out and only eat the whole 30 starting today. Just make wiser choices every single meal.
Speaker 1:Yesterday I made a choice because I've really been struggling with eating sweets lately. I am just craving sweets every single day, which is probably part of why I have felt frumpy recently. But yesterday I thought you know what? And there's a Texas sheet cake here in the office, in the kitchen, and I had it the day before and it was delicious. But yesterday I thought you know what. Today I'm just going to choose. I'm going to make a an intentional decision that instead of eating that, I'm going to eat this protein bar. That decision is a win. Does it mean that I ate perfectly all day long? Actually, yesterday I ended up eating pretty good.
Speaker 1:I'm tracking my macros right now and tracking calories, not necessarily to stay within a certain amount, just trying to see like, where am I right now, as I'm naturally, intentionally or intuitively eating, and that was a good choice I made yesterday. But you know what, there was a day before where I had like three servings of that Texas sheet cake, and so the key is to not fall off the wagon, to not have that all or nothing mindset where it's. Either I'm completely following this diet or I'm just going to eat everything bad in my pantry so I can clear it out and start the diet tomorrow. Don't do that. Just make the next best choice when it comes to working out, when it comes to eating right, when it comes to doing what's best for your health and for your body. So those three things together are point number eight sunshine, exercise and eating right, which is called a bonus. There's a lot in that one point.
Speaker 1:The ninth key or tip that I have for what to do when you feel unattractive is to journal. Many of you know that I've been in the habit of journaling, for I mean, I've been doing it on and off for probably a decade, but I've been really intentional about that habit the past nine months and man, it is so good. Some mornings I just I wake up and I don't really have anything that I'm prompted to journal about. I have other things on my mind and so I kind of write about some different things, maybe things I want to get done at work that day. But some mornings I wake up and I just have a lot that I want to get off my chest and I just need help kind of organizing my thoughts and my feelings about things and my journaling habit. I do that at least three times a week. It's been so fruitful for me.
Speaker 1:And you may be thinking but, kimberly, how does that help you feel more attractive? I feel better mentally when I'm able to put the things that I'm worried about. That I'm happy about that. I'm scared about the areas that I don't feel good enough, and when I'm able to express that and then get to the point, after putting all of that on paper, of coming back around. Putting that on paper allows me to get to the point where I can come back around and then see the good and see the positive, come back around and then see the good and see the positive, and so I'm able to feel good about myself again and see a path forward, because I've been able to sift through the muck and the mire, and so I highly encourage you, if you have not engaged in a journaling habit, to do so.
Speaker 1:And then point number 10 is to find something that gets you out of your own head and gives you purpose At the end of the day, feeling attractive or feeling unattractive. If we're just thinking about physically what that means, then I believe we're missing the mark, because our purpose isn't to just walk around looking pretty. We're missing the mark because our purpose isn't to just walk around looking pretty. As one of my friends says, our bodies were not made to be on the covers of magazines and I don't believe the purpose of our lives is to do that either. Yes, we want to honor our bodies and we want to live healthy lives. I know I do and that's an important part of what drives me and I love that. But more than anything, if I do all of these things in order to be the healthiest that I can but I'm still just completely selfish and focused on my own happiness and what I can do to further the kingdom of Kimberly, then I've totally missed the mark, because that's not the purpose.
Speaker 1:I believe the purpose of life is to love other people, to serve them, to bring people into relationship with Jesus, to tell other people about Jesus and to show the love of God and the actions and the way that we serve each other. I believe kind of ultimately at my core that that's the only purpose. In fact, several years ago I was thinking through, I think I was prompted, I think I was at like some kind of conference or listening to a podcast or something where someone much smarter than me said to create a mission statement for your life, and I've never told anyone this, but for me, from that day, I thought this isn't sexy, like it's not this, like super, you know catchy, catchphrase, tagline type thing. But I really feel like the purpose of my life is to point people to Jesus. I feel like that's my purpose and I don't think that I've always lived in line with that.
Speaker 1:I think there's definitely been times where I've missed the mark and that I've forgotten my first love and have gotten way more caught up in being successful than doing what ultimately I feel like I'm here for, but you know what I am trying to fix that. And so, for me, when I get my eyes off of the real prize and when I'm focused on all of these other things in life that ultimately don't matter, the idols that we make with our own hands, that we think are going to satisfy us and save us that's when I care more about looking a certain way and it's fleeting, it doesn't matter, it's. All of that is going to fail. The only thing that's ever going to truly last is the relationship that we have with God and the relationship that we have with each other, and so, for me, that's what gives me purpose. It gets me out of my own head. It makes me realize like I'm important, like I'm loved, I'm worthy. I'm important, like I'm loved, I'm worthy, but I'm not all that important that I need to weigh a certain amount to a T or I need to look a certain amount in order to be happy. True joy and true happiness isn't found in those things. There's benefit in those things. There's ways that we show ourselves respect and maintain a good life and just good health and taking care of our bodies. All of that is important, but it's not the end goal. So what is it for you? What is your end goal? Why do you wanna be your best self? To what end and for what purpose? I would encourage you to think through that. Maybe journal through it. I think it'll give you clarity.
Speaker 1:So, as a recap, 10 things that you can do when you're feeling unattractive Change up how you look. Do something to feel better about yourself. Go get a haircut, get some new clothes. Do something that just changes things up so that you feel fresh and good. Second, try out a new hobby that you've been wanting to try. Third, go out with some friends and do something that will make you laugh.
Speaker 1:Number four volunteer Serve. Find a way to give back. Number five pray, especially for others. Number six positive self-talk. You have to stop all of that negativity. Number seven self-talk. You have to stop all of that negativity. Number seven go for a walk, do a workout. Number eight sunshine exercise, eating right. Any of those three, start with the one that you can. Number nine journal. And number 10, find something that gets you out of your own head and gives you purpose. Don't do all of them, maybe pick one to start with, and I hope that by doing this it gives you fuel, it gives you motivation, it gives you the courage and the encouragement that you need to keep doing what you can to become your best self. Until next week, stay strong.
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