Why I Was Failing Every Morning... (And I Didn't Even Know It)

I have a PhD in performance psychology.

I know, with absolute certainty, that the morning sets the tone for the entire day.

And I have been fundamentally screwing mine up.

Checking Slack before my feet hit the floor.

Scrolling Instagram before I'd said a word to God.

Trying to ramp from stillness straight into a 4-mile run with zero transition.

By 9am I'd feel that weight settle on my chest. Anxious. Irritable. Behind.

Two hours into a day I'd started peaceful and hopeful.

So I documented 7 days of my mornings.

Not the highlight reel. The real thing.

The day I woke up an hour late.
The day I cried during my quiet time.
The day I sat with my journal from 2 years ago and realized I still hadn't done the thing God told me to do.

What I learned isn't "wake up at 5am" or "follow these 12 steps."

It's this: I have to learn to BE before I DO. Because when my doing comes from a frantic place, everything I touch carries that frenzy with it.

Your version might be the opposite. You might need movement first, stillness later. That's the point.

There's no universal morning routine. There's only the one that helps YOU show up as your best self.

In this video, I'll walk you through all 7 days, what worked, what fell apart, and the key takeaway that applies whether you're a stay-at-home parent, a CEO, or somewhere in between.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."

We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.

If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

New episodes every Tuesday.

Don't just exist. Show up.

🔗 Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com

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Transcript

Why Mornings Shape Your Day

SPEAKER_01 1:28

The most important part of your day is the morning routine. And I know this to be fundamentally true as having a PhD in performance psychology. But here's the thing I have been fundamentally screwing mine up for a while now. I have not been focused on doing the things that I know set me up for success every single morning. There's a lot that I want to get done too in my mornings. I want to have my closet time, my prayer time, my Bible reading, drink my coffee, do my workout, and then get ready and go to work. It's kind of a lot. But what I've been finding myself doing is actually checking Instagram, checking Slack, checking email, and my thoughts get really jumbled. And I end up having worse days because of it. So I realized this about a week ago. And so I spent the next seven days documenting my morning routine to try and actually hold myself accountable. And I want to share that with you. So what you're about to see is what I did over seven days. How I started my mornings, things that happened, things I learned, places I failed. And at the end, I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna share with you the key takeaway that matters for you, not just from watching me, but what I learned that can also help you have a better morning routine so you can have a better day, so that you can have a better life. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I think morning routines are that important. Let's watch. But for good reason. Last night I was a girl's night with some girls from church that I went to, and it was super filling for the emotional part of my pies. So sometimes that's okay, but I didn't set an alarm, so now it's 7 a.m. And I still need to have my morning routine. I want to make my coffee, grind it, pour over the whole thing, uh, drink my coffee while reading my Bible, and I need to work out. I don't know if I'm gonna have time to work out before something I have to go to at 11, that I also have to make a cake for. And we're gonna see. We're just gonna see. So I gotta do my morning check-in on Vonic Powers out. Trying to have my quiet time.

unknown 4:34

Let's see.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

This is very distracting.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Hey, go back here.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Okay, so update on day one. Uh not going great. I was able to do my Bible reading, have my coffee. It's all great, but there's a lot of noise. Like my kids were playing video games, and my husband was playing video games, and the tone my husband used this morning kind of like ended up setting me off a little bit, even though he was being playful. I was just like not in the mood. And oh, so like I I woke up feeling so calm and happy, and two hours in, and I feel anxious and frustrated and overwhelmed. Like, how did it derail so quickly? And so I haven't done my workout. I'm running late to this Mother's Day thing that I have to do, and I'm like, okay, I've got to restructure and restrategize. I feel like I maybe have too much expectations for myself of things that I can get done, and so it ends up overwhelming me when I don't get it all done in the time frame and in the process that I wanted it to get done. So um chatted a little bit with the very, very intentionally programmed AI that's in my PISA app, which is specifically instructed to only be informational about the assessment that I take and about my check-ins and like helping me understand data and not at all being coachy or friendy or anything like that, which I really appreciate. So um just kind of like processed through the data there. Um and I'll share a little bit more later, but basically, like one of the things I'm noticing is I have a very all or nothing mindset, and I am going too quickly between different activities. So I go from a very like down regulating, peaceful activity like prayer or stillness or silence, like right into okay, ramp up and go run four miles. Um it's not allowing my nervous system to adapt. And so I am good. I'm really good at like understanding my emotions, but I'm not very good at the rest and regulation between emotional states. So one of the things that I'm gonna try is allowing more time. So try and do less in a given period of time and allowing more time to transition from stillness into things that are more upregulating, like starting my work day, getting things done. So I'm gonna think about how I'm gonna do that. So I finally got to the gym at four. Three, I don't know, late, later than normal snow, but I'm here. Right. Trying to get rid of that like all-in-looking mindset. Just a headlift, about to do some other stuff.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

Day two, morning two.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Today I am praying and fasting as well. So really just trying to. Just trying to center my mind and pray, which is hard for me sometimes to like stay focused. During prayer, my mind wanders a lot. So I was just trying to like give myself time and space and grace.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

And then so I'm about to get out. I'm gonna do my check-in, I'm gonna make my coffee, I'm gonna read my Bible. I plan for today because today my focus is different, is to just find the time for quiet. I want to walk. Um that'll be my workout for today. Read my Bible, journal, pray. Until until I don't know, until I hear from God on something that I'm praying about. So let's do my check in.

Breaking The Scroll And Showing Up

Midnight Anxiety And Morning Pressure

What A Routine Is Really For

Day Seven Honest Slip And Choice

Be Before You Do

Your Routine And Final Challenge

SPEAKER_01 9:04

So two years ago, I took a sabbatical from work for four months. And during that time, this is my journal from them. During that time, I really strongly felt like God gave me a vision for for the future and for what I needed and wanted to do. And it kind of brought a bunch of things that have been desires on my heart since I was very young. Like it kind of brought all of them together, and I haven't done it. I haven't done it, and so one of the reasons that I am praying and fasting today is because I'm trying to figure out how to do it, and so I'm going back, and it was around this exact same time, two years ago, that I was on my sabbatical. Uh, and so I'm looking at like today's date. Like today is May 3rd, and I'm looking at my entry in my journal from May 3rd of 2024 and the things that I said. Um, I'm just gonna read this, even though it's very vulnerable. We'll see how this goes. What could it look like for marriage helper to focus on people on meeting people's real life needs of relationships and marriage? But in doing that, living and showing a gospel-focused life, which is ultimately the end result of meeting those needs, and also taking that and doing it in third world countries. What if we could find a way to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor? Both ways. Those in third world countries have a joy and simplicity to life that we don't. How can they help us? How can we in turn help them in real and meaningful ways? Through health care, education, food, um, even relationships. God, show me where the need is. I trust you to have the vision. Can't believe that was two years ago. God allow me to crave you more than I crave food, and to be more preoccupied with you than satisfying my immediate needs. Please keep me strong in my moments of weakness and to remember all the people going without food and for my heart to break for them. And then I wrote, 90 to 95% of the world lives on$3 a day. So, like this was on my heart during my last sabbatical. And during that sabbatical, I started meeting with some pastors around the world that I knew. So I would got on Zoom with a pastor from India, with a pastor from Kenya, and with a pastor from uh Haiti. Actually, I met with him here, he was in town. And I was just like, tell me about marriages in your culture. What's the need? And all of them said they're they're breaking, they're struggling, they're failing, they're there's crazy need. And the pastors from Nairobi, Pastor Peter Abungu, he said, Kimberly, fatherlessness in our community is keeping families in poverty. It's keeping children stuck in the slums. It's keeping, like when girls don't have a father to protect them, they're more likely to be sexually assaulted and raped. Because like marriages aren't strong. The fatherlessness epidemic that leads to so much poverty starts with a strong marriage, and it reminds me of what Dr. David Matsumoto said when he came on my podcast several years ago how do you end terrorism? How do you change a culture? It has to start within the home. Because within the home, people learn to love or they learn to hate. Within the home, people learn to love and have a healthy marriage, or they learn to hate. So we went. We went to Kenya and we did this for the first time. Like we trained 120 pastors in Nairobi and in the countryside called Siya with their spouses about marriage and how to have a godly, healthy marriage. And pastors who had been pastors for 20 to 30 years were coming up and saying, I've never been, I've never been taught anything about marriage. And it was, and like women who came in and didn't have a voice on the first day began to speak and began to understand and began to feel like they had a place in the marriage, and things began to change. And then we went to the countryside and we did it all again with no one who spoke English, so we had to have translators for the whole thing. And these people were so hungry for this teaching that they left their jobs and their farms, which they get like every day, what they get is what allowed them to eat that day. So them coming to do this meant that they may not eat that day. There was this one woman, I'll never forget her face, who brought us her fresh crop of bananas. Just like this big bag of bananas one day. Because she was so appreciative. It was just like they're so willing to give. And they're so hungry for God and to have good marriages, and that's what that's what God wants me to do. So why haven't I done it? It's day three. Mainly the biggest thing I'm doing with my morning routine right now is not checking Slack email or Instagram first thing in the morning. Still make my coffee. And yeah, so this morning particularly, I had to set an alarm. I hate setting an alarm. I like waking up naturally, but I need I need to get some things done and be at the office at a specific time. So I'm feeling a little like pressured. It's 6 a.m. I'm gonna drink my coffee. I'm gonna do my Bible reading. I'm gonna try and get out the door and running by 7:30. And uh back by 8:30, I should have time, but I have meetings to prep for. Like a mass email that I need to write. I'm ready for my run. Wearing a hat that someone gave me yesterday that came to one of our workshops, and she said, whenever you wear it for your runs, pray for Boston. So, Boston, I'm praying for you. I've gotten my to-do morning routine list done. Uh so prayed, journaled. Oh my gosh, I didn't read my Bible. I did read my Bible, but I read my Bible in preparation for the Devo that I'm reading tomorrow. And maybe I feel like that doesn't count. Okay, need to maybe do a little more reading of scripture this morning. I'm gonna run, I'm gonna get ready, feeling good. I've lost which day I'm on. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, two. Oh, my day four. Monday four of my new morning routine. Today was probably the hardest of all of them. Uh I kind of forgot, like, I'm not checking Instagram or anything like that. And I did, and I was like, oh man, I'm s kind of I got stuck in the loop, and I noticed it today. I noticed once I started checking things, I wanted to keep checking things, and so I didn't like that. But here's the other thing. I'm kind of feeling like more anxious than normal today. I am leading Devo at work, and while I'm used to leading Devo, the thing that I'm talking about today is really close and dear to my heart, and so it's just I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous. And I tell, I tell my team, um, every time I lead Devo, I'm probably most nervous for to them, like to actually speak to that team, even though it's one of the smaller groups I ever speak to. I feel like they're one of the most important groups that I speak to, and so I just feel a lot of not pressure, but responsibility. So that's kind of on my heart. So I was, you know, kind of feeling like when I got to the gym, I was like, oh, I'm tired. I don't know that it, I don't know that this is gonna go well. Then I ended up lifting 20 pounds heavier on my front squat than I did last week, which was pretty incredible. So I ended up performing really well, even though I didn't feel like it. That goes to show you can't always trust your feelings. Honestly, I'm feeling overwhelmed this morning. I didn't sleep. I mean, I slept fine. I woke up from probably 2 30 to 345. I know 2 30 to 3 30-ish. Just concerned about things. That's like like those are the times. Sometimes my anxiety is the worst. It was like the middle of the night when I wake up and I can't do anything about anything except pray. And then I'm always great at just focusing on prayer. I tend to like worry even when I try to pray. My brain just like goes to worrying. And so I just feel like sometimes the only prayer I have is God, like take all these things as I keep worrying about them. So, make my coffee. It's a rainy day. My routine's gonna look a little different. But I think that another thing that I'm realizing is there's just like maybe my morning routine. It's like all these things I want to get done by a certain time so I can get to work, and it's just like a lot of things on my plate every day. There's a lot I have to get done every day. And my morning routine is a part of that, but also my morning routine helps set me up for success the rest of the day, so I'm just trying to think through my morning routine truly helping. Or is it kind of hurting? Day six, making my coffee. Not gonna lie. Uh I checked my slack this morning. Not supposed to do that. I was thinking a lot this morning about what is the purpose of a morning routine. Why, why is it so important? And here's what I think. A routine is a set of habits that you just have already decided to do. So it unclogs your decision-making process in your mind, right? Habits are decisions that you've already made. So when you wake up in the morning, you don't have to think, like, what do I do? What do I want to do now? Which can then lead us to just do things that are easy and not necessarily fruitful. So in thinking about it that way, in thinking about it that way, why is a morning routine so important? Because it ensures that you do the things that are most important to set your day up for success, which is why it's not gonna work. It does work, which is why it's so easy to fall to the most mind numbing things when we wake up, like wanting to. Check Instagram, check email, check work. It's just like the habit that we do the majority of our day. But I what I have found is when I do those things first, all the hope I had for my day is gone. And here's here's what I mean by that. There's a there's a lot of things that I wake up and they seem very clear to me. Things that I've been wrestling with, thinking about, decisions that need to be made. All of those seems seem to be most clear in the morning. And so when I then end up just going to my lowest hanging fruit, the lowest hanging temptation of my day, those things become foggy again, especially if I haven't captured them. And it's like it sets it sets me back in productivity, in thinking. So for me, and I think for a lot of people, when you think of your morning routine, it's like this is important because it sets my day up for success to where I'm more likely to be joyful, productive, calm, confident, happy, excited, and less irritable, angry, impatient, distracted, anxious. All of those things. It's just simply become more important for the things that I have chosen to do, which are like for me, the first thing I need to do is journal and read my Bible. That's like the most grounding thing that I can do. And I notice a difference when I don't do those things. When I look at my like the Pies app and my Pies guide, that soul calibration part of the spiritual part of attraction. The soul calibration is that input of how am I being still seeking God, finding the space for just silence and stillness instead of just go, go, go, go, go, because it's from the silence and stillness that we actually are rooted and can then go forth and bear fruit. Reminds me of John 15. Remain in me. Remain in me and you will abide much fruit. If you do not remain in me, you cannot, you will not abide, or you will not produce much fruit. And I think through the days that I wake up and I'm just hurrying and getting through and checking things that don't matter, and very distracted, are also the days I'm more likely to not produce fruit because I'm more distracted, anxious, irritable. Where's the days where I start? Silence and stillness. And that's me, and that's because of my work, right? I like I there's people like when I was on sabbatical and I was a and I wasn't working, so I was more of a stay-at-home mom. My I could have that silence and stillness later in the day because my kids were gone at school. And so I think that's the other thing. Like your morning routine, if you have people you're taking care of, maybe your morning routine is more getting things done, like having that time to go and work out, um, to do those things that are really gonna set you up for success health-wise, help you release tension, get good, like endorphins running with exercising. And then later in the day is when you have that time of silence and stillness. So it's not like my morning routine is the best morning routine, it's that my morning routine is the best morning routine for me because of what my work demands are. So every person's gonna have to take that into account. Okay, that's my thoughts. I drink my coffee from a cute little mug that I got in Switzerland at a Christmas party. Walking today. It's my rest day. So we're at day seven. If I'm being real, I already checked my email. I just woke up with like thoughts and like think my wheels were already turning, and I just felt like I had to satisfy that urge and like check on a couple of things. I don't know that I regret it, but I need to.m instead of spending my time in the Bible and journaling. It's like I don't want to do that, but I'm gonna do that because I know that's the important thing. Here's my key takeaway from a week of intentionally focusing on my morning routine. It's important to learn to just be instead of frantically do. And that's maybe for me personally. I am wired to be the kind of person who just wants to get up and work, check things off a list, get things done. And I find that when I actually give into that is when I begin to really feel that sense of overwhelm. It's like literally, if I were to tell you how it feels in my body, it's like a weight starts coming down on my chest and on my shoulders. And it's like this feeling of expectation. Not a good expectation, like something good's gonna happen, but I have a lot of expectations on me. So, what does it look like for me to release some of that so that I can learn to just be before I do anything, so that my doing comes from a more grounded place instead of like I'm a chicken with my head cut off running around, which may be a very southern phrase, but that's what I that's what I feel like when I just start my day with Slack, email, Instagram. It's like I'm a hamster on a wheel that that always just has to keep looking at those things and doing those things. And what I do becomes my worth. Whereas when I can start in Bible, in scripture, in meditation, in prayer, in silence, I'm kind of teaching my nervous system, it's okay to just be. You are still good, you are still worthy, you still are loved before you ever do anything. And that's the hard part for me. Now, for you, you may be opposite from me. You may love a rest and relaxation day. And it may take more for you to end up getting motivated. So maybe your morning routine should be centered around doing something, maybe getting up and doing your workout, getting those things checked off the box because you know that maybe you're more likely to be a little slower throughout your day, which isn't bad. The idea of the morning routine is how can you prioritize the things that are going to help set you up for success? And it's gonna be different for every person, depending on how every person's wired, on what's important to every person, and really ultimately, how are you trying to show up better? If you are struggling with motivation, then start your morning doing the things that will help you have more motivation. Go for a walk, get outside, go and do something that's very movement and activation based. I don't need a lot of motivation, extra motivation in my life. I'm a very batteries-included type of person. So I need to start with more suppression, with more stopping and being and doing before I go and activate. So think about that for you. Based on your stage of life, based on if you're a stay-at-home parent right now or a working individual, all of those things, find a morning routine that works for you and prioritize the thing in your morning routine that's gonna help you show up your best self, because that's the goal of all of this. I would love to know what you are going to do different for your morning routine. Comment below in the video. And I hope you liked this one. This one was kind of new and different, and we did it a different way. It was super fun. But if you loved it, I would love to know that as well. Until next time, stay strong.