This Mental State Hurts You AND Your Marriage

Learn more about the Marriage Helper Couples Workshop: https://marriagehelper.com/couples-workshop/

You are such an idiot.

That is what I said to myself. Out loud. For days.

Over a pair of AirPods.

I left the case on my bumper, drove off, and lost them. Second time I've lost a case. The first time I mailed it away in an Amazon return box.

And I spent the next week beating myself up about it.

Here's the problem with that. The things you think don't stay in your head. They move to your heart. They come out of your mouth. And when you think badly about yourself, you start thinking badly about everyone around you.

What you think about is what you keep thinking about. So make it good.

In this episode, I talk about how to break the negative self-talk spiral and actually move forward instead of ruminating.

Then we get into your questions.

How do you show a reluctant spouse you're a safe place when the only contact you have is sporadic texts about money? Short answer, you can't manufacture the opportunity. But you can be a good steward of the ones you get.

Are kids really resilient after divorce? They are. But they shouldn't have to be. I get honest about why so many people repeat that line, and what the research actually says about kids growing up in high conflict co-parenting.

And what do you do when your spouse says he's leaving so the kids won't have to watch a bad marriage? Fix the marriage. That is the model your kids need. Two people going through something hard and figuring out how to repair it.

In Study Scripture With Me, I'm in 1 Samuel 28. Saul goes to a medium at Endor because God stopped answering him. David asks for the ephod and waits. Two men asking God the same kind of question. One wanting permission, one wanting direction.

If God agrees with everything you want to do, it might be worth asking who you're actually listening to.

Then we close with the hot seat. Ten words or less. Including one piece of advice I've given for years that I've had to correct.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."

We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.

If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

New episodes every Thursday.

Don't just exist. Show up.

🔗 Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com

🎥YouTube https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes

Transcript

When Self-Talk Turns Toxic

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're such a freaking idiot. Not you, me. That's exactly what I said to myself and what I kept saying to myself. And honestly, it made everything worse. So, what do you do when you get caught in this negative self-talk spiral? That's what I'm going to talk to you about on this episode. Years ago, I was crying on my bathroom floor. My marriage was falling apart. And that was the day I stopped waiting for everything to change, and I started changing myself. I did it by working on my pies, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Am I perfect? Nope. Still seeking, still trying. And I'm bringing you with me. This is the Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes Show. A couple weeks ago, I was going on my run. I took my AirPods out of the case, popped them in my ears. My car was locked. I had nowhere to put the case, so I thought, you know, I got the perfect place to put it. I'll just put it right here on my bumper. Went for my run, came back, showered, got ready, got in my car, drove off, and remembered about an hour later, my AirPod case was on my bumper. Had my husband go and try and look for it, couldn't find it anywhere. It was gone. But here's the thing. This isn't the first time that I had lost my AirPods case. Oh no. This is the second. The time before I accidentally put it in an Amazon return box and shipped it away. This is the second time I had lost a hundred, couple of hundred dollar pair of AirPods. You are such an idiot. These are the things I kept saying to myself. This is why you can't have nice things. This is why you shouldn't spend so much money on something because you just keep losing it. I beat myself up about these AirPods for days. I dreaded the fact that I was gonna have to replace them. And in fact, I just got to the point where I said, it's not even worth it. I'm just gonna buy a cheap pair off Amazon. I'm just not even gonna go back to the AirPods. I'm not gonna pay $200 to $300 for me to just inevitably lose them again because clearly I can't keep them. I mean, y'all, I was beating myself up. I was seriously not in a good headspace. And here's one of the things I know from my PhD in performance psychology is that the way that you think has an absolute impact on what you do. The things that are in your head don't just stay there. They end up going to your heart. They end up coming out of your mouth. And when you think badly about yourself, you tend to think badly about other people too. You tend to be harsher towards other people overall, because it starts with how you're even viewing you. And so after literally agonizing over this pair of AirPods for days, ordering multiple pairs of headphones online for 20 or 30 bucks, trying them out, absolutely hating them. And every single time I did it, I would think badly about myself. If you weren't so stupid, if you weren't such an idiot to put the AirPods case on your bumper, if you had just opened the door and put them inside, although my door was locked, if you had just gone back in the house and put the AirPods case there, we wouldn't have to be going through this at all. What if, could if, any of the ifs, it doesn't matter because ultimately I didn't. I put them on the bumper, I drove off, they're gone forever, and I could keep ruminating over it, or I could ultimately just decide to do something different. Because here's the thing what you think about is what you continue to think about. So you might as well make it good. There are so many things that you're probably encountering in your life right now where you are telling yourself that you're the idiot, that if you had just done X, Y, or Z differently, if you had just have kept your mouth shut when you ended up saying that really terrible thing to someone else, if you had just made a different decision, if you had just not told that little white lie that ended you ended up getting you in so much trouble, then you'd be in a completely different situation. But here's the thing, it happened. So you can either choose to ruminate in it or you can choose to look forward. Ultimately, all I had to do to stop the negative rumination and move forward is to just get a new AirPods case, which is exactly what I wanted. I just wanted to keep using my AirPods. Call me an Apple Geek and snob, which I am. But I just wanted to keep using those AirPods that I could just press the little thing and it would pause them, that connected seamlessly with my phone. That's what I wanted. I just wanted to move forward and stop ruminating on the past. So I ultimately just ended up ordering a replacement case, which honestly I ended up getting a knockoff for 30 bucks on Amazon, but that's not the point. I ultimately just ordered the replacement case so I could mentally move on. Even if I had ordered it for the full hundred dollars, the $100 replacement case was worth getting my mental health and sanity back to stop thinking so negatively of myself and to just freaking move forward. So, what is it for you? What are the things that you just keep beating yourself up about that you just need to put a stake in the ground and just freaking move forward? I know I'm not I'm not really into like the positive mantra stuff and all of that. I think a lot of it's kind of new agey, but I do know from research that the way you talk about yourself, having positive self-talk makes a difference. Athletes do this all the time before they're about to be in the game, before they hit the court, before they go on the field. If they can visualize themselves doing the right things, if they can positive self-talk, like you can do this, you've got this, you are strong, you are courageous, whatever it is, you are not an idiot. You're smart, you can do this, you can understand this, you've got this. It unlocks their brain to actually performing in that way. So you actually having negative self-talk is holding you back in multiple areas of your life. So stop. What you think about is what you continue to think about. So make it good. Now

Dynamic Dialogue Segment Kickoff

SPEAKER_01 6:15

we enter into the unnamed portion of our show. We are still taking names. One person, they left a comment, they said prescriptions with Dr. Kimberly. Feels a little legally liable. Not gonna go with that. But until we get a better name, it is dynamic dialogue with Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Why?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Thank you, Jason.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

Why are we going?

SPEAKER_01 6:33

This is your fault.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

I know. It's my fault. I was just joking and now we're running with it. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Until we get something better.

SPEAKER_03 6:39

Until we get something better. Someone, please give us something. Okay. You ready for the first question?

SPEAKER_01 6:43

I am born ready.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Okay. First

Being A Safe Place In Separation

SPEAKER_03 6:46

question. Uh, this person uh is asking a follow-up question on a question that we asked on the first episode. So Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

From a question they asked and we answered?

SPEAKER_03 6:58

No, they just had a follow-up question to that.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Let's hear it. Let's hear it.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

So when someone asks about both separated, both a separated spouse and the the standing spouse, uh, we're both doing pies. Dr. Kimberly said to work on the next step of the love path, which is acceptance. How do I show him I am a safe place in accepting who he is when my reluctant spouse won't have any contact with me other than finances, which is sporadic. I have not done any pushes since he left a year ago. I was gentle and accepting when we did interact. He seems very determined to end this marriage. It seems no matter what I have changed, he's made up his mind he doesn't want it. He did not have an affair when he left. His reason was we are too different to be compatible, even though there was opposite attraction at the beginning. He said it is for the good of both of us. Uh he said he does not love me, won't love me, and will not change his mind.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I'd love to know some further things here which we can't know, which is how long are they married, have they been married, and what was the reason he gave? I mean, I know she said it there. Well, we're we're not compatible, and therefore we need to divorce. But there was something that happened because people don't leave what they have unless they believe what they're going to is better. And so something shifted in him that led him to say that. It was either something that was happening within the marriage or it was something that was happening outside the marriage that was pulling him out. Without knowing that, all we can teach is the principle. You can't move down the love path if the other person isn't engaging with you. You are still on step one. And this is a common question that people ask: How do how do I show my spouse that I'm a safe place? Well, you show it through the conversations you do have. You said it's limited and it's mostly about finances. Okay, well, in those conversations, use it as your opportunity to be a calm, strong, and gentle version of yourself and not as an opportunity to make them feel guilty about what they're doing, to talk about how unhappy you are, how you can't believe that they're leaving you, how you want them to come back. That's only going to continue to push them away. You take the opportunities that you have to show that you've been working on yourself and that you're gonna be able to come across in a way that is grounded in your conversation, but you can't force it. You can't force it. Now, the caveat to that is if your marriage is headed for divorce anyway, then there comes a point where you have a Hail Mary because it's headed for divorce. Nothing you're doing is pulling them back. They are dead set that this is gonna happen. Therefore, you don't have much to lose by asking them to do certain things with you, like going to the marriage helper workshop, for example. Because you could build that into what you would request as a part of the divorce. If that's something that you and your lawyer work through decide that that's a good option for you, then that's an opportunity you have. It's a Hail Mary. Why not? You're gonna lose the marriage anyway. You might as well do everything you can to save it. The question here really was how do I show my spouse that I'm a safe place? You can't manufacture opportunities, you can't force them to open up to you. All you can do is be a good steward with what you have. And if opportunities come up for you to reach out, to listen more, to lean in, then that is what you do. But really, right now, you're still stuck in attraction. Really, you are, because attraction is what leads us to want to move closer. He has not wanted to move closer to you yet. So keep working on those pies. If anything works, this will. It's not gonna bring him back overnight, but this is the part to stay focused on.

SPEAKER_03 10:34

Okay, so the next two questions, this is uh a little bit of a unique situation. We're gonna do the next two questions. They're from the same person. They submitted two questions back to back, but they're related.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Okay.

How To Submit Your Questions

SPEAKER_03 10:46

So before we go on to the last two questions for this episode, uh, can you tell people how to ask and submit their questions?

SPEAKER_01 10:53

So here's how you can get your question asked, how you can put your question in. There's a link below. Click it, fill out the question, whether you want to be kept anonymous, whether you want to call in and actually have a conversation with me in the future. We got to get that happening, Jason. Yeah, I know. I'm ready. I'm ready to talk to some people. Uh, go and fill it out there. Also, after that, you're going to be invited to follow me on Instagram. Would love for you to do that. I'm sharing different reels, different content behind the scenes that is different from what you see here on YouTube. So go and give me a follow on Instagram as well. I'm excited for these questions.

SPEAKER_03 11:30

Okay, so these two questions are from Sarah. She has

Are Kids Really Resilient To Divorce

SPEAKER_03 11:35

been in the marriage helper community. She asks the first question Why do you so many people say kids are resilient? And quote, this is the best case according to the science. Is there really any truth to this? Or is it just the overwhelming number of divorces deceptively inflating the numbers?

SPEAKER_01 11:53

This is the best case I've never Yeah, I never I'd never heard that either, but This is the best case according to the science. Okay. Are the number of divorces? Here's what I think. So the question is wait, what's what's the question?

SPEAKER_03 12:10

The first question was why do so many pa people say kids are resilient?

SPEAKER_01 12:14

I think people don't want to feel guilty. And so they will say things to make themselves feel better about the decisions that they are moving forward with. Listen, I have I have dear friends and loved ones who are divorced. I do not judge them. I do not think less of them as human beings. And at the same time, we have to be able to hold the truth that divorce hurts people. It hurts the people who are getting divorced, the husband and the wife. But the people that it hurts that are the victims, the truest victims of the whole thing, are the children who didn't ask for it. They didn't ask to be brought into this world. They didn't ask for their parents to be split apart. And what children need, if we're going to talk about the science, is to grow up in a household with two loving parents. Now, this is where the backlash comes. Well, what if my spouse and I are fighting all the time? Isn't it healthier that my kids see me being happy and alone and not being yelled at all the time versus me going through a difficult marriage? Okay. We can argue, we can, I can get behind the fact that children should not have to grow up in an abusive situation, physically or emotionally. I think we have to get real clear on the definition of abuse because people are starting to throw around words like I'm being I'm going through, I'm being emotionally abused, when they just don't like, when they're just having some fights, when they don't like the things that they that they hear that their spouse is saying to them. But it's not damaging. It's painful, but it's not damaging. So when we think about, well, what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is where you literally begin to question your worth, your identity, your sanity because your spouse, or anyone for that matter, but especially your spouse, is never taking acceptance of anything, turning every single thing back around on you in a way that is demeaning you as a person, where they see themselves as better than you, and they see you as someone who they can just like spit upon, basically, in the is the mental image that I have. Like you are so below me that I don't value anything that you have to say. That is what is more akin to emotional abuse. It is not we fight. Every couple fights. 69% of the fights that you have as a couple are never going to be resolved. Healthy couples fight. Kids need to see their parents fight, not where there's physical abuse, of course, going on, but they actually need to see their parents fight and figure out how to repair things over time. Like that is what actually sets kids up for the best relationships moving forward. The people who say, My parents never fought, that's a red flag. The people who say, My me and my spouse never fight, another red flag. It means you don't feel safe enough in your relationship to actually be honest with your spouse. And therefore, you're never actually dealing with hard issues. They're being swept under the rug, and no one's benefiting from that. Kids are resilient, but they shouldn't have to be. A kid might break their leg in soccer soccer practice, playing on the monkey bars, whatever. My son, when he was in kindergarten, he fell off the monkey bars, broke his arm. Of course, he was gonna heal, but it took months out of his life where he couldn't play, where he couldn't do the things that other kids were able to do. We couldn't go on a family vacation we had planned, right? Now that's that's fine. Like this happens to kids, they miss out on things. And yes, they're resilient. But there's gonna be an impact left on that. Much more importantly, when a child experiences their parents splitting up. They now are living within two separate homes. They have to go back and forth. Their parents don't talk anymore. On their wedding day, they're gonna have to make the decision of how to seat people so that people don't end up getting in fights. This is the worst thing for a child to have to endure. Can they recover? Of course. But it's going to be different. They are going to endure the effects of this divorce literally for the rest of their lives. And they didn't ask for it. The healthiest thing for a child is that their parents figure it out, that they stay together, that they work through the fighting, that they make it a safe and healthy place for the family long term. That's the most important thing for a child. They are gonna see their parents fight. They should. That's actually healthy for a kid. I think people want to minimize the decisions that they make that impact their kids so that they ultimately feel better about themselves and don't carry as much guilt. And the helpless victims, the collateral damage of the whole situation are the children.

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Okay, so that directly ties into her follow-up question, uh, which you kind of got into. Um,

Refuting The Divorce Narrative With Love

SPEAKER_03 17:27

but she says, My husband, who's the reluctant spouse, has said that the the reason or one of the reasons that he wants a divorce is that he doesn't want to show the kids a bad relationship? Lord help us. His mom is in a second marriage where she just takes criticism constantly. My parents also didn't have a loving, affectionate relationship. Is there a loving andor scientific way for her to refute her reluctant spouse?

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Okay. Is there a loving or scientific way for her to refute her spouse? That's not the question I want to answer, but that's what I'll answer. So the well, the question she's asking, you aren't gonna be able to refute your spouse. He's gonna dig his heels in because this is where his head space is. And so for you to try and combat him with logic or with emotion is likely just not gonna work. At the end of the day, you don't have to agree with him. You don't have to go down that same trail of thought with him. You can simply say, I don't agree. I know the damage that this is gonna have on our kids. Guess what? Is having the fact that his mom is in a second marriage is having damage, a damaging effect on him because it's leading him to want to leave this marriage instead of fixing it. Freaking fix it. I understand people are saying, like, my spouse is being critical to me. Then tell them it's not okay. Hey, I love you. I want to be married to you, but this is how I need to be spoken to. This is what I'm gonna accept, and this is what I'm not going to accept. Why not just set a freaking boundary instead of divorcing your spouse over it, other parents, in a loveless, affectionate marriage? Then fix it instead of walking away. And one person has to go first, always. One person has to go first to be the one brave enough and courageous enough to fix what's broken. I don't care what your parents did. It's affected who you are today and how you're processing things, and that way I care about it. You can either allow that to determine who you're gonna be and the decisions you're gonna make, or you can say, you know what, this has already hurt me enough. I don't want the same thing for my kids, and I'm going to do my part to fix it. You can't control what your spouse does. You can't control them filing for divorce, leaving the marriage, wanting to leave the marriage, but you don't have to agree with the narrative that the kids aren't gonna be affected. You don't have to agree with it. You can't make them agree with you, but you can simply continue to be there for your kids. What do you, so what do you do? What do you do? Be there for your kids. Listen to them, make sure that they feel heard, make sure that they still get time with their dad. And if anything, this is a great opportunity to ask your spouse to come to one of the marriage helper couples workshops with you because you're gonna be co-parents for the rest of your life. Even if you divorce, you're gonna have to continue to co-parent. And the worst thing that can happen, if we want to talk about the science, the worst thing that can happen is that a children's parents divorce and they continue to be in high conflict relationship with each other, which is, oh, I don't know the majority of the situations that happen. So actually, these people that are leaving their marriages because they don't want to model a bad relationship for their kids, which by the way, the best relationship that they could model for their kids is going through hard times and then figuring out how to repair it. That's the best thing that they can do for their kids. The worst thing you can do is leave and still not fix the communication that you have within your marriage. And that's what everyone's doing. But they're using this, I don't want to model a bad relationship, continue to have a bad relationship, and then also be divorced. According to the research, absolute worst thing for a kid. So that's a great opportunity to come to the marriage helper workshop because if nothing else, you will at least be able to leave with tools that are helpful for co-parenting, if nothing else. But so many people have their eyes opened while they're there and realize, oh my goodness, maybe we can actually fix these things that I thought were irreparable in our marriage. I can actually fix them. And there could be a better future. And we could actually fix what's broken and then actually model that for our kids.

Workshop Testimonial And Hope

SPEAKER_03 21:40

That's all the questions for this episode. Remember, if you want to ask and submit your question, click the link in the description. And speaking of the couples workshop, we're gonna go to this commercial.

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Hi, I'm Sam. I'm from uh Elkhart in northern Indiana. Uh Laura, I'm from Elkart, Indiana. Uh the thoughts about the workshop before I got here were I was a little tentative and not sure if it was gonna mesh with my wife and I and the Oh, I was angry before I got here.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

I didn't want anything to do with it. I was already I already had pre-written answers to how I was gonna. I thought it was gonna be very confrontational and pushy. Uh there was no judgment, there was no push, there was no reason to be defensive. Um for as difficult as the situation is, it was a it was made as easy as possible to go through and discuss the situation that I had in my marriage currently.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

It's a comfortable atmosphere. They make everything you can tell they plan it out. And they plan out exactly like I think where you where you sit and the groups you go into, and that made me comfortable with being here, knowing that it wasn't just something uh thrown together. I think just come down here, you know, if you're able to get down here. If not, do it online. Uh, but definitely check out the resources.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

I it's worth it. Um I I had already made up my mind. I was just coming basically just to say I checked the last box. Now there's hope. There's actual hope. So I would say if you feel like it is over, that it there's nothing that can be done, but you have a shred of doubt in your mind that it's not, that there may be something that you could do or would could potentially be there, um come. It won't hurt. It it won't hurt, it will only make you better, even if you don't stay, you will come out a stronger, better version of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

If

Saul Vs David On Hearing God

SPEAKER_01 24:11

you've been following along and watching the other study scripture with me segments, then you know that I have been spending a bit of time in the books of first and now I'm in 2 Samuel. And just learning things, seeing them in a different light. I love going back to the Old Testament and reading through and studying it because there's so many applications of things that we read about that apply directly, at least to me, to the situations that I'm currently experiencing now. I am currently in or have recently read 1 Samuel 28. And there's something really fascinating that happened here that I've really been thinking about a lot over the past week. In 1 Samuel 28, we see that Saul, who is currently still at the time of this chapter, king over Israel, but he has done several things in which the Lord has basically left him, basically turned from him because Saul turned from God. And so God stopped replying to Saul. And we see that starting in verse 4, the Philistines started gathering around to where they were going to attack the Israelites. When Saul saw the army of the Philistines, he was afraid and his heart greatly trembled. When Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord did not answer him. Not by dreams or by the Urim, which is a something that they use to help understand what the Lord might be saying to them, or by the prophets. Then Saul said to his servant, Seek out for me a woman who is a medium, so that I may go to her and inquire of her. And his servant said to him, There is a medium at Endor. Now a medium is a person who is kind of like a witch or like a psychic. It's people who basically use different types of magic or or ways to communicate with the dead. Something that the Lord did not approve of and made that very clear in the book of Leviticus. And so he goes to this woman who was not supposed to be doing these things, and she knows that. And he knows that. Because when she when he finally arrives at Indore and speaks to her, he tells her, You're not gonna get in trouble for doing that, because she's very scared to even grant his request because she could be killed for doing it. But he said to her, as the Lord lives, no punishment shall come upon you for doing this thing. And so ultimately, this woman ended up bringing back from the dead, from the dead, a the spirit of Samuel so that Saul could ask him. Because here's the thing Samuel was trying to get the Lord to answer him on his own timeline. And the Lord wasn't doing it. The Lord wasn't answering in any way, but he was wanting to do what he wanted to do. He was wanting to go fight against the Philistines, he was wanting to have victory in this battle. He was wanting the answer to the prayer to be a certain way so that he could go forth and do what he wanted to do. And when the Lord did not respond to him, he took matters into his own hands by doing things that the Lord clearly told him not to do. And so when she ended up bringing Samuel back to, not back to life, but just like bringing his spirit, this is a very weird story. Then Samuel said to Saul, Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up? Saul said, I'm in great distress, for the Philistines are warring against me, and God has turned away from me and answers me no more, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have summoned you to tell me what I should do. Samuel said, Why do you ask me? Since the Lord, since the Lord has turned away from you and become your enemy. The Lord has done to you just as he told me he was going to do to you. For the Lord has torn the kingdom out of your hand and given it to David, because you didn't obey his voice. And you're not obeying his voice now, because you're clearly doing what God told us not to do back in the book of Leviticus. You did not obey the voice the voice of the Lord then, and you're not doing it now, and you did not carry out the fierce wrath against Amalek. Therefore the Lord has done this thing to you today. Moreover, the Lord will give Israel along with you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your son shall be with me. Saul didn't hear from God. When he didn't get the answer he wanted, he just kept doing things to try and get the answer that he wanted, even though it wasn't the right things. So the juxtaposition of this is how David responds when he is asking God what should happen, what he should do. A couple of chapters later in 1 Samuel 30, David and his men end up, they were, they were out, they were doing some stuff, and they come back to the place that they were encamped, where their families were, where their stuff was, and they realize when they get there that they have been attacked and that the their enemies have taken captive their women and everyone who was in the city, both small and great, and carried them off. So when David and his men came to the city and found it burned down, and their wives and their sons and their daughters taken captive, of course they they wept, they freaked out, they didn't know what they were going to do. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. David said to the priest, Abiathar, son of Ahimelech, bring me the ephod. So Abiathar brought the ephod to David, and David inquired of the Lord, Shall I pursue this group of people? Shall I overtake them? And the Lord answered him, Pursue, for you shall surely overtake and you shall surely rescue. So David set out, he and the six hundred men who were with him, and they pursued and they ended up restoring and bringing back their family. Now the juxtaposition in these stories is Samuel sought God, but he was looking for God to give him a certain answer because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. And we see that demonstrated in the way that Saul lived and the way that he handled the military affairs as king. Even when God earlier in 1 Samuel would answer Saul and tell him not to do things or told him exactly what to do. Saul wouldn't do. He didn't actually obey God. And so he kind of was just seeking God for God to tell him what he wanted to already hear. And I believe that's one of the reasons that God just stopped answering. Because you're just gonna do what you want to do anyway. You aren't actually listening to me. You aren't actually trusting me. Whereas the heart of David was pure. When he went to inquire of the Lord, shall I pursue them? Shall I overtake him? He was open for the answer to be no. He was open for God to say, not at this time. And I bet you that David would have followed through with that because we see so far in 1 Samuel that God or that David obeys the Lord, even when it he doesn't understand it, even when it doesn't make sense, even when it could cost him greatly. He does what the Lord has told him to do. And so it makes me think of my own life and maybe even yours. What are the situations in which that you're just wanting God to tell you what you already want to hear? And you keep praying about it, but really God has given you an answer. You just don't like it. And so you don't do the thing that God has told you to do, or you're putting it off because you're wanting God to tell you something different. And so you keep asking, but really you already have an answer. What are the situations in which maybe you're following the things that you really you just want to be true of your life? If God agrees with everything you do and you get to do everything you want to do, then it may be that the God you're listening to is yourself and not actually God. What could it look like for you to be fully submissive, to take every question, every fear, every concern to God in prayer, and to faithfully wait and listen for his answer, even if it's no to something that you desperately want? Or even if the answer is yes to something that you really don't want to do, and what would it look like for you to obey? That's my thought of study scripture with me for this week.

SPEAKER_03 33:07

Okay,

Hot Seat On Attraction And Boundaries

SPEAKER_03 33:08

in this segment of the hot seat, we're doing something a little bit different again here with Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

My seat is not hot.

SPEAKER_03 33:15

Yeah, this one's a little bit different. This one's a little bit more calm. No, no burpees, no hot wings. This one you can only answer the questions in 10 words or less.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 33:29

Yes, the 10 10 fingers. You have 10 fingers. Yeah, you have 10 fingers. I'm gonna ask you five questions. Okay. You can only answer in 10 words or less.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

This may be actually the hardest one.

SPEAKER_03 33:39

I know. Yeah. What is the worst date idea that people swear by? She's really, really thinking about her answer before she speaks. You can't, if you need to ask a follow-up question, you can.

SPEAKER_01 33:55

Well, I'm sitting here like, I feel like I can't use any words until I'm ready to answer. The first thing I have to do is think of my answer. And then I have to think of how to put that answer into 10 words.

SPEAKER_03 34:05

You can do the Kevin Malone from the office. Why waste time? Say lot word when you word do trick.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Kevin goes SeaWorld. Date nights after putting kids to bed while in your house.

SPEAKER_03 34:22

Okay, so worst date idea is date nights to happen in the house after you've put the kids to bed.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

Because if that's all you ever do, then you're still not really taking, and sometimes that's the season that you're in, and it's all you can do. But date nights are really about getting out and doing new and novel things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:52

Dr. Helen Fisher talks about that. About the novelty. Yeah. Yes. Okay, second question. Uh, is it better to have one big gesture or consistent small ones?

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Consistent small ones.

SPEAKER_03 35:04

Okay. That one was easier. That one was an easier question.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

We should have started with that one.

SPEAKER_03 35:08

Easier question. Sorry. Um, okay, this one relates to physical attraction. Question number three. What is one thing that has nothing to do with looks that makes the spouse more attractive to the other?

SPEAKER_01 35:18

For men, grooming and hygiene. I can't believe I thought to say this. For women, smiling.

SPEAKER_03 35:31

Wow. Okay. Interesting. Why smiling?

SPEAKER_01 35:39

So when a woman smiles, especially at their husband, that is something that men find attractive, which is one reason I hate the answer, because I hate when people out in the world tell me to smile. They're like, oh, you should smile. And it's always a man.

SPEAKER_03 35:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

And I just want to be like, you don't have the right to tell me to smile because you want me to look better.

unknown 36:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:07

That's why some and so for your husband, like, yeah, smile, laugh.

SPEAKER_03 36:11

Makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Especially when you laugh at their jokes. Those things help them feel like you find them more attractive, which also is going to help them be more attractive to you. So smiling and laughing. I'm sorry, women. I love you. I'm on your team.

SPEAKER_03 36:28

Okay, question number four. What is the biggest mistake you see spouses make in the first week of a crisis?

SPEAKER_01 36:36

They don't shut their mouths.

SPEAKER_03 36:40

Explain. We're breaking the rules.

SPEAKER_01 36:43

I know, like every one of these. Uh they push, they follow, they text, they call, they are just like, How could you do this? Why could you do this? Please come back. You're leaving our marriage. How in the world could you? And they push their spouse even further away.

SPEAKER_03 36:58

Makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 36:58

Or they say something like, Fine, leave. I don't care. Go ahead, divorce me.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

When that's really not what they want.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

And then they're surprised when their spouse does it. That's right. Yeah. Okay, final question. Have you ever given advice that you later realized was wrong?

SPEAKER_01 37:15

Ooh.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

And what was it?

SPEAKER_01 37:18

Okay, because I could just say yes or no.

SPEAKER_03 37:20

Exactly. I can think of one. But not not that you were.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

Ten words or less.

SPEAKER_03 37:26

But not that you were wrong.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Yeah, yeah. Ten words or less.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Oh now I'm on the hot seat.

SPEAKER_01 37:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Okay, ten words or less. It's not always about the other person's perception. Push pull.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

That's like Explain.

SPEAKER_03 37:45

Yeah, explain. Uh so you released a video maybe two months ago now, three months ago, at the time of recording this. Uh, when talking about pushes and pulls, uh, it's not always we you've taught for a long time about how pushes and pulls is specifically about how the other person perceives it, but there's also another side to that, which is you do have to take into account the other person's intention. You have to take into account the other person's intention with their action into that as well. So obviously the other person's perception of an action that you take is very important, but there also comes into play the you know, their purpose in doing that action too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Yeah. The wrong advice was don't push spouse away. Sometimes you need to do pushes.

SPEAKER_03 38:43

Talk about that because I know this is getting to like essential pushes. And we've seen this very recently, like a lot, very recently.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

So people have this mindset of like, oh, I just need to make sure my spouse is happy with me. So I don't want to do anything to rock the boat. I don't want to do anything to set them off. And I don't think we realized as we were teaching push and pull just how people would grab onto it and it become the gospel truth to them. But there are some times that you need to do pushes that are actually going to make you more attractive and/or for your spouse to have more respect for you over time that you should do. And it's different for each situation based on what someone's personality style is and based on some other things. Um, but like there's a the best example I can give is a very recent one. Um, most of the time, I would say if your spouse is reaching out and asking you to come help with something, that's a great opportunity for you to go. That's a great pull. You can show them, like, yes, I am here, I'm willing to do whatever. Unless you are the person who has always dropped everything and gone. And they really are just using you and not respecting you. You have to show self-respect first to be able to say, no, actually, I'm not free at that time. I'm happy to do X, Y, or Z later, but I can't do that.

SPEAKER_03 40:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Don't always say yes. Don't be too available. And I think that sounds crazy.

SPEAKER_03 40:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:21

To which is why like a coaching relationship really helps with implementation of this, because especially for men, there's some men to there's some men who have just been incredible jerks to their wives and they should bend over backwards right now to try and make amends. And there's some men who have never stood up to their wives. And the more that their wives are like expecting them to come to their every beck and call, the less attracted they are they are to their husbands. And the only thing that's gonna attract them back to their husbands is for their husbands to start back, though.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

Can't be a doormat.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

Can't be a doormat.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

We did a video on that a few months ago. We'll link to that in the description. That's it for this segment of the hot seat.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

I feel like I won and cheated.

SPEAKER_03 41:07

Yeah, kind of.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

But you also let me.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

I know. But it also was uh I feel like this was a good segment. I feel like I feel like we'll see what the viewers think. Yeah, we'll see what what you think.

Comments, Instagram, Subscribe, Share

SPEAKER_03 41:17

Uh, if you enjoyed it, leave a comment. If you have any more ideas for hot seat segments, let us know. Drop that in the comment in the comments.

SPEAKER_01 41:25

Be kind.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

Yeah, don't.

SPEAKER_01 41:27

I hope you've enjoyed this week's show. Leave a comment. I absolutely love to hear from you. I read every single comment. Be sure to go follow me on Instagram at Kimberly Beam Holmes. And if you haven't subscribed yet to the channel, subscribe. That way we know you love me.

SPEAKER_03 41:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

We should cut that part out. But when you subscribe, it really helps the channel grow. It helps it to reach more people. And if you would love to share this video with a friend, a family member who you think could benefit from it, please do that as well. Until next week, stay strong.