Most people are living a version of themselves that they never choose.
You've been showing up for your spouse, your kids, and your career—but you've been doing it on autopilot. You're living within a ceiling built by your past and sustained by your habits.
I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.
The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."
We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.
If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.
Most people try to reconnect by talking about the relationship.
That's exactly why it doesn't work.
You sit them down. You bring up the distance. You ask them how they're feeling. And they shut down harder than before.
I did that with my husband for years. Coffee. Serious face. "Can we talk about us?" It never once went the way I hoped.
What finally worked was something much smaller.
In this episode, I walk through the three steps I used to reconnect with my husband ten years ago. It's also the same three steps I just used with my 11 year old daughter.
Step one. Make intentional time. Not them. You. If you're the one who sees the gap, you're the one who takes the first step to close it. That means putting down the thing that pulls you away. The phone. The work. The hobby. Whatever it is for you.
Step two. Get interested in what they're interested in. Not what you wish they cared about. Not what you want to do together. What lights them up. People who don't feel safe talking about their fears will still talk for an hour about the thing they love.
Step three. Start with something fun so it can go somewhere deep. Laughter comes before honesty. Safety comes before vulnerability. You cannot skip to the hard conversation and expect them to meet you there.
For me and my daughter, it was nachos and the World Cup. For me and my husband, it was Renaissance festivals and a shooting range.
It works in every relationship. Marriage. Kids. Anyone you've drifted from.
If the connection is weak, you move closer to the source.
Also in this episode: I answer three of your questions, including what to do when your spouse distrusts therapy, how to reconcile when you no longer share the same view of marriage, and what to do when you're doing all the work alone and running out of steam. Then we read Psalm 73 together in Study Scripture With Me, and I take on the Hot Seat while holding a wall sit longer than I should have.
Walk. Don't run. There is still hope.
I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.
The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."
We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.
If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.
Here's three steps for you to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you've gone distant. Years ago, I was crying on my bathroom floor. My marriage was falling apart. And that was the day I stopped waiting for everything to change, and I started changing myself. I did it by working on my pies, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Am I perfect? Nope. Still seeking, still trying. And I'm bringing you with me. This is the Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes Show. So over the past couple of years, my daughter and I have actually been kind of struggling to connect. She's 11, going on 17, and is boy crazy, super independent, thinks that she knows better than mom and dad, of course, in all things. Can't say that I didn't think the same thing, but we've really been struggling to connect. And so I'm going to teach you three things that I've recently used to reconnect with her, but also they are the same three things that I used to reconnect with my husband 10 years ago. And they're the same three things that I would encourage you to do to reconnect with your spouse, with your kids, with someone in your life. It works in every kind of relationship, but
perhaps you're wanting it most right now for your spouse, which is great. So here's the thing. This past Sunday of the time of me filming this was the World Cup, and I was craving some nachos. So I ordered an ungodly amount of nachos, ate way more than I want to admit, plus a whole lot of queso, which I regretted later. But more than anything, I knew my daughter loved soccer. In fact, she just made the middle school soccer team, which has been a huge excitement in our household. But she loves it and she loves watching it. And so I thought this is the perfect time for us to do something that she loves. So I got my nachos, I turned on the World Cup, and we settled in. And this is step one to reconnecting, is you have to make intentional time. You, not the person you're trying to reconnect with, but you. The person who sees the gap should be the one to take the first step to fill it. I noticed that there was a disconnect. Even with my husband 10 years ago, I was the one who noticed there's there's a loss of intimacy. Like we aren't connecting like we used to. We aren't spending the same amount of time together like we used to. What can I do to make that better? I had to be intentional. Now, I know me, and I absolutely am a workaholic. I will be on my phone, in my computer, getting things done at all times because I just love working. So for me, I have, I have to intentionally put those things away, turn them off, put them in a drawer, get rid of them for a period of time so that I can fully focus on the person in front of me. Now that's just step one. I don't know what it is for you. Maybe you're a hunter or a golfer or you love playing video games. There's something you do that drags you away from the people that you're trying to connect with. Maybe you're like me and you're a workaholic. Whatever it is, you have to be intentional about putting that aside and giving full focus to the person you're wanting to reconnect with. That doesn't actually allow for reconnection yet. That's just the prep work that you need to do. You not having a screen in front of your face doesn't mean that all of a sudden the person you're wanting to reconnect with is going to want to reconnect with you. But it actually allows the time for that reconnection to happen. Oh man, these are soggy. So then what do you do?
Point number two. You need to become interested in the things that they are interested in. Not what you wish they were interested in with you, not what you wish they were interested in, period. Not the things you're interested in. The things they are interested in. That is the key to reconnection. Especially when you're just struggling, when you feel like every time you talk, you fight, when you feel like there's just this complete gap of connection between the two of you. Lean in and find out what it is they are interested in. Or if you know what they're interested in, which you probably do, even though you might absolutely hate it. I just want you to know I have dressed up and gone to Renaissance festivals more times than I would like to admit, because that was something my husband used to be interested in. He loved medieval stuff, he loved going to Renaissance festivals, and so I did it. There's no pictures for me to prove it. They're there, but I'm not sharing them. Because I knew it was something he was interested in. He loves history, he loves military and military stuff. And so when we were going through trying to reconnect, is when I was like, hey, take me to the shooting range. Like, teach me how to do some of the things that you love to do. And here's the thing. He may not have felt safe enough to open up about his heart, about his fears, about the things that he was ashamed of, but he absolutely enjoyed talking about the things that he loved doing, his hobbies, his interests. It's so much easier to get people to open up about those things than it is about their passions, their fears, and their worst secrets. So start there with my daughter, it was soccer. I knew that, which is why we sat down to watch the World Cup. Because during that time, I was able to ask her, hey, explain to me what are what are offsides? What's happening right now? Why does Lionel Messi never run? Help me understand what's going on. And she loved telling me and teaching me about that stuff. She lit up in a way that she hasn't lit up in some of our conversations over the past several months. And that leads me to point number three.
Start with something fun so that it can go to something deep. There's a point that I know as a public speaker, and many public speakers know. When you can get someone, like an audience that you're speaking to to laugh with you, then that is what captures them. So that when you tell a story, when you're trying to make a point that's incredibly serious, when you're trying to help them see a big need in the world that they need to care about, they're more likely to care and be emotionally invested in the rest of the speech because you got them to laugh. I believe the same is true in relationships. When we can get someone to laugh, to be more lighthearted, to engage with us in a really positive way, it's easier to lead that into some of the deeper conversations of life that end up just happening naturally. How many times did I try and just sit with my husband over coffee and try and get him to tell me about his feelings and the things that he was upset about and what he wished would be different about our marriage? Too many that I would like to admit. And it never worked, it never went well. But you know what did work is when we went and saw a movie, when we went and went to the zoo, when we went and did fun things, when I was asking him about some of his interest, and he got really into it, and I showed that we could have a normal talk with each other about without fighting. That showed that we could have healthy conversation, which led him to feel safe enough to open up about deeper things over time. Same with my daughter. It works in every kind of relationship. So here's the bottom
line. If you are struggling to connect, then just like everything else in life, when you're struggling with Wi-Fi connection, what do you do? You have to move closer. You have to move closer to the thing that provides the connection. And in this specific instance, when it's a relationship between two people, you need to move closer to them. And you need to be the one to take the first step. And don't do it by just trying to talk about the problems, by always talking about the relationship. Do it by just talking about the things that interest them.
Okay, it is time for We still don't have a name for this. Somebody please give us a name. It's time for the question segment. That's what we're gonna call it this week. The question segment with Dr. Kimberly.
SPEAKER_04
Super lame.
SPEAKER_01
It's super lame. Okay. Here's our questions for for this week. Okay. First question. This person wants to remain anonymous. They said, My wife strongly dislikes therapy and coaching, believing it only makes things worse and relies on manipulation. When I was previously in a men's coaching group, she was constantly stressed, waiting for me to use a quote unquote mind trick on her. I recently told her I wanted to start individual therapy for myself. After I made the appointment, she got upset and she said she doesn't want to be the cause of me going to therapy. Uh, given her intense anxiety and mistrust of the process, how can I best approach working on myself so that it supports my growth without further straining my marriage?
SPEAKER_04
I mean, the first thing I would do here is, hey, help me understand why you have such a wall up against this. I would try and understand what has happened in her past. There is something that has led her to feel this way that she feels very uncomfortable about. Dig into that. Just in listening, don't try and come across as defensive or to prove a point. You simply just want to understand. Help me understand why this is so bothersome for you. And actually be willing to listen to whatever she says without putting anything up against it. Just listen. 100% where I would start.
SPEAKER_01
Okay. Allison says, Hi, Dr. Holmes.
SPEAKER_04
Hello.
SPEAKER_01
My husband and I are separated, which is his decision for almost a year now. He says he doesn't believe in marriage, that it's just a piece of paper. I still believe in marriage wholeheartedly. Before we separated, I tried to explain that what I'm fighting for is not a piece of paper, but the vows and commitment I made to us, which didn't sway him one bit. Now, after a year of working on my pies and pulls instead of pushes, can we reconcile when we have such different views on marriage? And if we do, how can I trust that he will stay committed and not bail again since it seems so meaningless to him?
SPEAKER_04
So there's two questions I would love to ask if this if I was talking to his caller, which is, or this this what are you calling if they're not a caller and they're typing it in?
SPEAKER_01
A human, a person.
SPEAKER_04
This human. One thing I would want to ask them is two things. Number one, how long have you been married? And number two, what led to him saying this? What led all of a sudden? Now, the longer you've been married, and then all of a sudden this happens really strongly indicates there's something that he has shifted in his beliefs and values because something or someone has become more important to him, whether he has shifted his religious views, whether he is wanting to seek a lifestyle that is completely different than what he's used to or what he had been doing, uh, or whether he is involved with someone else. There's something that's leading him to think that way. Now, if you've only been married a year or so and he's saying this, then maybe this was something that he brought into marriage, where he just kind of got married because he wasn't committed to it to begin with, and just did it and saw it as something very throwaway, which then doesn't indicate that there has been a huge shift, but it means that he came into this relationship not actually committing to the vow. So the question at the end was, I've been working on my pies.
SPEAKER_01
The question at the end was now after a year of working on my pies and doing pulls instead of pushes, can we reconcile when we have different views? And if they do, how can she trust that he will stay committed?
SPEAKER_04
Okay. Yes, of course you can reconcile, even if you have different views, but commitment is going to have to be a part of the process. And right now, there's something pulling him out to where he doesn't have a strong level of commitment. Figure out what that is first. Did he bring that into the marriage if you've been married a short period of time, or if you've been married a longer period of time and this is a change in him? What is the thing leading him to no longer want to be committed? That's where you have to understand first. That's what you have to understand first.
SPEAKER_01
Okay. And the last question for this segment on this episode, this person wants to remain anonymous, says, It's been three months since my husband said he wants space in separate places. I'm doing all the work, the pies, uh, showing up alone. He's still at home mainly because we can't afford two places right now, and our kids are home. There are times where it feels like he is getting close, and others where he is distant. Lately he is feeling very hopeless, so he is distant. He is very resentful of me, and I believe that is the main block. I'm stuck. I'm walking up the hill, but I am weary. I feel like it is going nowhere. I have faith, but for how long? I really don't know what my question is.
SPEAKER_04
I need to talk to people.
SPEAKER_01
I know.
SPEAKER_04
Here's the thing. Walk, don't run up the hill. I did a I did an intro on this.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, we'll we'll link to that.
SPEAKER_04
We'll link to that. The beginning of one of the KBH shows where I I talk about like, don't try and rush through difficult times in your marriage because that's when you run out of energy and end up making wrong decisions and then lose your you lose your steam to want to actually continue to be in the marriage. If you're going up a hill, walk, don't run. Secondly, you don't know what your question is. Well, I'm not gonna put a question there for you, but what I would say is there's two things you said that stuck out to me that I believe you should double click on, which is such like a cliche thing. But double click on it and it's this you said number one, he is feeling hopeless. Why? Why is he feeling hopeless? Number two, he resents you. Why? Why does he resent you? If you can understand the answer to those two things, then it may be a part one, step one for you to actually understand what's going wrong in his eyes, which may be a problem in the marriage or outside the marriage, what's going on, so that you can then begin to do a better job of pulling him back. Be on the lookout. I've I'm in the middle of filming a brand new Save My Marriage course that I think is gonna be incredibly helpful, especially for a situation like this. It's gonna be coming out probably in a month or so after I am after this video post. But hey, let's put like a wait list link in the let's do it. Yeah, let's put a wait list link and sign up so that you'll be the first to be notified when this new Save My Marriage course comes out. And y'all, it is Oh, it's so good. I was like, I don't want to chew my own horn. It's so good. Um, but it is pretty darn incredible. Yeah, it is. It's definitely an upgrade from all the ones we've done before. All the ones we've done before are great. This one though.
SPEAKER_01
The depth of this one is is pretty pretty significant. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04
Intense. I'm excited for it.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, me too. I also just want to say before we before we end this segment that we believe there's hope for every marriage, but for this situation in particular, like there's still a lot of hope, there's still a lot of opportunity here. Yeah. He's still at home, yeah, they're still in the same house, their kids are there. Like 100%. Don't give up. It's been it's been three months. Like, this is uh, as Dr. Kimberly said, this is a a walk, don't sprint up the hill uh situation. So that's right. Don't don't give up hope now. There's still a lot of of opportunity. So that is all for this segment of whatever we're calling it. Questions with with Kimberly, whatever, whatever we want to call it. Please, please someone give us a name that we can use.
Hi, I'm Sam. I'm from uh Elkart in northern Indiana. Um Laura, I'm from Elkhart, Indiana. Uh the thoughts about the workshop before I got here were I was a little tentative and not sure if it was gonna mesh with my wife and I and I was angry before I got here.
SPEAKER_02
I didn't want anything to do with it. I was already I already had pre-written answers to how I was gonna. I thought it was gonna be very confrontational and pushy. Uh there was no judgment, there was no push, there was no reason to be defensive. Um for as difficult as the situation is, it was made as easy as possible to go through and discuss the situation that I had in my marriage currently.
SPEAKER_00
It's a comfortable atmosphere. They make everything you can tell they plan it out. And they plan out exactly like I think where you where you sit and the groups you go into, and that made me comfortable with being here, knowing that it wasn't just something uh thrown together. I think just come down here, you know, if you're able to get down here. If not, do it online. Uh but definitely check out the resources.
SPEAKER_02
I it's worth it. Um I I had already made up my mind. I was just coming basically just to say I checked the last box. Now there's hope. There's actual hope. So I would say if you feel like it is over, that it there's nothing that can be done, but you have a shred of doubt in your mind that it's not, that there may be something that you could do or would could potentially be there, um come. It won't hurt. It won't hurt. It will only make you better, even if you don't stay, you will come out a stronger, better version of yourself.
Today's study scripture with me. We are going to be reading Psalm 73. Psalm 73 has been one of my favorite psalms of my life, and you'll understand why once I'm done reading it. I'm gonna be reading it from the amplified version of the Bible. Truly, God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling, my steps had almost slipped, for I was envious of the arrogant, as I saw the prosperity of the wicked, for there are no pains in their death. Their body is fat and pampered, they are not in trouble as other men, nor are they plagued like mankind. Therefore, pride is their necklace, violence covers them like a garment, like a long luxurious robe. Their eye bulges from fatness, they have more than their heart desires. The imaginations of their mind run with riot and foolishness, they mock and wickedly speak of oppression, they speak loftily, with malice, they set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue swaggers through the earth. Therefore, his people return to this place, and waters of abundance offered by the irreverent are blindly drunk by them. They say, How does God know? Is there knowledge of us with the Most High God? Behold, these are the ungodly, who always prosper and are at ease in the world, they have increased in wealth. Surely then in vain I have cleansed my heart and washed my hands in innocence. For all day long I have been stricken and punished every morning. If I had said, I will say these things and expressed my feelings, I would have betrayed the generation of your youth. When I considered how to understand this, it was too great an effort for me and too painful. So up until this point in the psalm, the psalmist is saying, I see the prosperity of the wicked. They're not following you, God. They're not doing what you want them to do, but they have everything that they need. They have wealth, they have everything that their heart desires, and they are completely ignorant and irreverent of you and of your word and of your ways and of your decrees, but they prosper, and I don't. And he's mad at this. God, why is this happening? And then verse 17 says, Until I came into the sanctuary of God, then I understood their end. Surely you set the wicked-minded and immoral on slippery places. You cast them down to destruction. How they are destroyed in a moment. They are completely swept away by sudden terrors, like a dream which seems real until one awakens. O Lord, when stirred, you observe the wicked, you will despise their image. When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant. I was like a beast before you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you. You have taken hold of my right hand, you will guide me with your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And beside you I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you will perish. You have destroyed all of those who are unfaithful and have abandoned you. But as for me, it is good for me to draw near to God. I have made the Lord my God my Refuge and placed my trust in him that I may tell of all your works. This is such an honest and open psalm of someone who's struggling with the prosperity of those who don't seem to follow God versus the person who's following God and it still feels like nothing is going right for them. They don't have what the other people have. But I love when he says, it wasn't until I entered into your sanctuary that I understood their end. They might have all of the riches of worldly glory, but in the end, they don't have God. They don't have you, God. And that is the thing that ultimately matters most and more than anything else. And my favorite, some of my favorite verses of the whole Bible are verses 25 and 26 of Psalm 73. Whom have I in heaven but you? And beside you, there's nothing on earth I desire. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever. So whatever it is that you are struggling with in life right now, the people you're jealous of, the situations of other people's lives that you're seeing on social media and you're comparing yourself to them, the one thing that you need more than anything is God and a relationship with Jesus. Who have I in heaven but you? The only thing I need is my future and eternal security. And for that, for the love of Jesus to be in my heart right now, who am I in heaven but you? And besides you, there's nothing else I desire. I don't want the riches, I don't want the glory, even though it's so hard to not want that in our world that we're living in. The fame, the success, whatever it might be, all I want, God, is you. My flesh and my heart may fail, and ultimately one day they will. But God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever. That's this week's study scripture
Okay, on this segment of the hot seat, Dr. Kimberly is warming up, getting ready for this challenge.
SPEAKER_04
So loosen it.
SPEAKER_01
Hopefully, we don't aggravate that. Uh, but she's gonna be doing wall sits. So two minutes, 30 seconds on the clock. Can she beat it? Can she wall sit for two minutes and 30 seconds?
SPEAKER_04
At least they're not weighted.
SPEAKER_01
That's true. You almost did it yourself by trying to attach the microphone onto a dumbbell, but I did.
SPEAKER_04
That would have been I like to go the next level.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, but couldn't figure out how a way to do that. So, two minutes, 30 seconds, answer as many questions as possible, trying to get to the two-minute, 30-second mark. Are you ready?
SPEAKER_04
Woo! I'm ready.
SPEAKER_01
Okay. First question. Which is harder to rebuild? Trust or attraction?
SPEAKER_04
Trust.
SPEAKER_01
Why?
SPEAKER_04
Because trust takes time. Like you don't break attraction necessarily, but you break trust. And so, and trust matters more to people. Like, I want to know I can trust you. It's much more central to who a person is and how they feel safe. Therefore, trust takes trust, ironically, can be the quicker to fade uh or quicker to fall, but it can take the longer time to rebuild.
SPEAKER_01
What do you do when you have prayed about your marriage and nothing has changed?
SPEAKER_04
You keep doing the right things.
SPEAKER_01
What is the most romantic thing that someone could do that costs nothing?
SPEAKER_04
Tell you something nice and loving about yourself.
SPEAKER_01
Uh, if someone is a morning person married to a night owl, is this fixable? Does it last? Does it last forever? Is this a contention point?
SPEAKER_04
What do you mean is it fixable?
SPEAKER_01
Is it fixable? Can they get over this? If it's if it's a morning person married to a night owl.
SPEAKER_04
If it's a morning person married to a night owl, but what's the problem?
SPEAKER_01
They they can't find time to spend time with each other.
SPEAKER_04
Okay, because okay. You gotta just compromise. Like find time during the day. Either figure out how to make your sleep schedules go together, you gotta do something.
SPEAKER_01
Uh what does a spouse do that makes it that makes it safe to say the hard thing?
SPEAKER_04
They don't attack when they hear the hard thing.
SPEAKER_01
What can a spouse do when their own spouse's honesty hurts?
SPEAKER_04
This hurts.
SPEAKER_01
I'm sure it does.
SPEAKER_04
I feel like I'm blacking out. Okay. What can one spouse do when one spouse's honesty hurts? What can a spouse do when one spouse's honesty hurts? Uh, I mean, you could be honest about it, like, hey, that hurts to hear, but I want to listen to you. I want to understand where you're coming from. So don't get defensive and try and hear the truth within it. Maybe there's things that like aren't true that you don't need to take on, but if you attack back, it's gonna shut them up from ever being honest with you again.
SPEAKER_01
Uh, what is this is a hard question.
SPEAKER_04
What are y'all talking about?
SPEAKER_01
What is the hardest thing about being the one who teaches marriage while being married?
SPEAKER_04
I overevaluate a lot of our interactions and situations and worry. Like, as soon as something bad starts to happen, I'm like, oh my gosh, this could end up. I think I can jump several levels ahead instead of just dealing with it as it is in the moment.
SPEAKER_01
You've gone 20 seconds over.
SPEAKER_04
I'm still going.
SPEAKER_01
Go, go! Now she's just bragging.
SPEAKER_04
Let's see if we can hit five.
SPEAKER_01
Okay.
SPEAKER_04
Um my quads are absolutely killing me.
SPEAKER_01
What would you say to a spouse who's Oh wait, we can't go five.
unknown
Okay.
SPEAKER_01
Last question. What would you say to a spouse who's doing all the work alone right now?
SPEAKER_04
Keep going. Just like I am. Just like I am right now. Keep going. Because there is always hope. Things are gonna be painful. It's not always gonna be easy, but there's a light at the end, and you just gotta keep doing the thing that you can control.
SPEAKER_01
One more, one more question. What's the letter in pies that fades that often fades first?
SPEAKER_04
Emotional.
SPEAKER_01
Why?
SPEAKER_04
Because people stop doing the things to make the other person feel positive emotions.
SPEAKER_01
Alright, you went three minutes and 45 seconds. You're good.
SPEAKER_03
Freaking killing me.
SPEAKER_01
Just walked off. That's it for this segment of the hot seat.
As a reminder, if you have ideas for the hot seat, drop them in the comments. If you enjoyed this episode, send it to someone who might enjoy it. A friend, a family member, be sure to like, subscribe, comment. And we'll see you in the next episode of the Dr. Kimberly Dean Homes show. Remember, stay strong.
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