Why You're Not Healing EMOTIONALLY

Referenced in this episode:
Episode on Feedback: https://youtu.be/NnAZXA32dqc
Click Here to Submit Your Questions: https://bit.ly/3Tv4287

You have emotional wounds you can't trace.

You don't know where they came from. You just know something hurts every time life bends the wrong way.

I scraped my knee in a hotel gym in Taiwan and had no idea how I did it. But for days after, every squat, every step, I felt it. That's exactly how emotional wounds work.

Here's what most people miss.

Your body forms a scab for a reason. It protects the wound so the skin underneath can heal. Rip it off, and you don't heal faster. You scar.

Most of us are ripping ours off constantly. Every time we feel angry. Every time we get defensive. Every time we let one person's comment define who we are.

In this episode, I walk through the four stages of healing an emotional wound. Protection. Repair. Clearing. Drop off.

Protection is your feelings signaling that something needs care. Repair is the hard work most people skip. Clearing is getting the voices out of your head that never should have been let in. Drop off is what happens when you finally heal instead of scar.

I also share the moment someone told me I didn't have what it takes to do this work, and what my dad said that changed how I heard it.

Then we get into Solving Marriage Mysteries, where I answer three of your questions, including whether there's still hope when your spouse is convinced you're toxic and why Marriage Helper isn't counseling.

Plus Study Scripture With Me in Genesis 12, where Abram brings Lot along even though God told him to leave his father's house. God doesn't give Abram the promise until Lot is gone. What are you still carrying that God never asked you to bring?

And my kids take the hot seat. Let's see if I taught them anything.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."

We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.

If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

New episodes every Thursday.

Don't just exist. Show up.

🔗 Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com

🎥YouTube https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes

📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes

Transcript

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Emotional Scabs And Hidden Pain

SPEAKER_03 0:00

You probably aren't aware, but you have emotional scabs that continue to be opened. The wound keeps continuing to be exposed, and you're not healing because of it. And the more that this happens, the more that you just keep exposing these wounds, these emotional wounds happening in your life, the more likely you are to scar and not actually ever properly heal. In this video, I'm gonna explain what that means and more importantly, what you can do to fix it. Years ago, I was crying on my bathroom floor. My marriage was falling apart. And that was the day I stopped waiting for everything to change, and I started changing myself. I did it by working on my pies physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Am I perfect? Nope. Still seeking, still trying, and I'm bringing you with me. This is the Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes Show. So, what is this whole thing about emotional scabbing and how it can lead to emotional scarring? Well, here's the thing: I was in Taiwan a couple of weeks ago and I went to the hotel gym, started working out, got back to the hotel room, and went to, you know, shower off, get dressed, and I realized my knee really hurt. And when I went and looked at it, it had totally something had happened. Like I don't know what I did to my knee, but there was a huge portion where the skin had just come off. I must have been kneeling on a yoga mat or something. I was also a little bit jet-lagged. But over the next couple of days, whenever I would bend my knee, whenever I would squat down, anything that I would do, I could tell my knee was hurting. And there was something that was causing it to hurt. Even though I wasn't consciously aware of exactly how it got there, it was absolutely hurting. Now, isn't that so true for so many things that happen with us in our lives? I'm currently doing a group coaching curriculum with a group of people that I am walking with them. It's me and it's Dr. Joe, and we're working with this small group of people, leading them through this new curriculum that we have been working on and working through with this group of people. And one of the things that I am noticing just time and time again is how many times we have things from our past, from our childhood, from college, from times before we ever knew our spouse or are in the current marriage that we're in that are affecting us even still to this day. They are emotional wounds that we're not consciously aware always of how they got there, unless we actually take the time to think about it. And most of the time we don't. We don't think about our past, our childhood, the things that led us to be why we are the way that we are right now. We just keep going through life. But these wounds keep hurting. We bend our knee and we feel something, even though we aren't aware of where it's coming from or why it's there. We feel it. And here is the bigger thing: something fascinating happens inside of our body with wounds. When we scrape off the skin of our knee, what happens? Well, our body has a reaction to that. It sends a bunch of, I believe it's platelets, to the top of your skin in order for a scab to form. And as that scab forms and it dries, it allows the skin underneath of that scab to regrow, to repair itself, to heal. And so that's why it's so important to not rip that scab off or take that scab off or allow that scab to be taken off by someone else, because if you do, that's what leads to scarring. It completely disrupts the process. It completely takes away the healing process underneath. Now, when we think about our emotions, isn't that so true as well? We have these emotional wounds that even if we're not sure how they got there, there's a scabbing process that begins to happen in our emotions. Our body is telling us this is something you need to focus on. And it's trying to send resources to protect us for a period of time while the innermost part of us can begin to do some healing. But we don't think of it that way. Instead, we just get angry, we just get scared, we get fearful, and we are tearing that scab off every time it happens, every time we feel uncomfortable. We aren't letting the healing process happen. And I'm going to talk about what that healing process is in just a minute. We're just tearing off the scab. And guess what happens when you tear off scabs? It leads to scarring. Now, completely different story for a different time is the time that I branded myself in college. And that's when I was trying to tear off scabs in order to leave scars. But that involves a paper clip and a candle, and we're not gonna go there. But it did work. I created the scar that I wanted of a cross on my ankle, but it was only because I continued to rip that scab off. I'm not saying I was the smartest thing in the world, but the scar was left. But we don't want scars. I don't want a scar on my knee. I want my knee to heal. I want it to heal so that the new skin can form underneath. And for you, and whatever the emotion is and the emotional situation that has happened in your life, you likely want it to heal as well. So there's four parts to this. And these four parts are actually what happened in our body, but I'm going to show you how this is also what happens in our emotions. So the first part of this whole process of how to heal from emotional wounds is protection. Now, protection is the role of your body sending all of those new blood cells to where the wound is in order for it to create a covering over the wound. So, what does this look like in our emotions? Well, let me let me explain it with this story. One of my friends and my former business coach, his name is Lucas Lafever, and he told a story in his email the other day, his email newsletter that went out, talking about a girl that he had worked with who, when she was dating someone years ago, she loved graphic design. She loved being a creative, she wanted to be a designer. But this boyfriend told her that's so stupid. That's so stupid of you. Why would you want that to happen? And that thought, that sentence is something that she carried with her for years. And you know what she did? She let it stop her from doing what she actually knew she wanted to do with her life, all because of what one person said. It was an emotional wound that caused something to stir up within her. And as her body was sending a way to protect itself, instead of her actually dealing with the situation, the feelings that she was feeling underneath, all of that, she simply believed this lie, believed this terrible thing that someone said to her and allowed it to dictate several years of her future. When you are feeling feelings of hurt, anger, even pride, uh, envy, sadness, grief, guilt, shame, those feelings are signals. It is your emotional, the emotional side of you, it's the way of sending the resources needed to an area of pain in order to signal to you this is important. You need to care for this area. And so just one thing from this area that I want you to focus on is what is one thing that when you think about it, maybe it was a situation that happened in your past, something that someone said to you, maybe it was the divorce of your parents when you were younger, or feeling like your parents were never there for you, or maybe it was something that happened with a boyfriend or a girlfriend earlier on in your life, or maybe it's something that's happened with your spouse. That think of something that has been a constant intrusive thought in your life for years. What is your body trying to tell you from how you feel about that? All of those feelings that I mentioned anger, fear, guilt, shame, all of those are indicators that there is something deeper under that that you need to actually repair, which is the second stage. So it's during this repair process that the wound is protected. There's something keeping it from continuing to be pressed on, continuing to just have that exposed flesh be hurt, which is the feelings from step one. Your feelings that you have about it are a source of protection, and at the same time, they are a signal. Now, in an unhealthy way, those you could you could allow those feelings to just totally dictate your life, and that is what keeps you stuck. But we're actually going to repair it, right? So it allows the new skin to form underneath the wound while or to form underneath the scab while it is healing. This is the biggest part of the healing process. And so now that you have identified what is something from my past that is keeping me stuck, this is the harder work, which is now you need to repair. What does it look like to repair? Well, it depends on what the situation is. But the example that I that I gave of my friend Lucas and the girl that he was working with, for her, it was her actually working through what that statement meant to her. Telling herself it wasn't, it wasn't true. It wasn't dumb for her to want to do that. Allowing herself permission to not have to live with the expectations of what other people have put on her, and allowing herself to be free from that. Now, for you, it may be something way harder. It may be a broken relationship that you have with a sibling or with your parents or with someone else in your life that you may need to be the person to take the first step in order to repair it. Maybe it's something you did that you can't believe that you did it, and you need to forgive yourself or you need to accept God's forgiveness of you for doing that thing. But I think more times than not, yes, there are these big instances that happen in our life that we need to press into and repair. But I think the majority of the time what people are struggling with the most, it's the little comments that people have said to us that we have allowed to define who we are. A couple of years ago, there was someone who told me, they said, you know what? I don't think that you are good enough to do these kinds of videos. I don't think you have the gift. You don't have the charisma. You don't have what it takes. And I wish I could sit here and tell you that I was like, screw you. But I didn't. I didn't say that at all. In fact, I questioned myself. I second guessed everything. When I called my dad and tried to process it with him, he said, Kimberly, I want you to think back to all of the people after you've been on stages, after you've spoken, or the videos that you've put out, the people who have affirmed in you, like think through it, actually critically think through it. Has anyone ever affirmed this in you? And yeah, honestly, multiple people throughout the years. Then why are you letting this one person's opinion of you want like lead you to almost give up on all of it? That's the problem. Because it was leading to a deeper emotional wound that I had from my past of I just I want to be good enough. I want to, I want people to like me. I want all of those things. And it bothered me when it didn't happen. But you know what? I had to grow from that. So allowing that protection to happen and then to do the repair work of realizing not everyone, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And that's okay. And not everyone's gonna have a positive feeling about me. And that's okay too. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. But when you're constantly trying to do things for others' approval, that is what keeps you stuck. So do the hard work to repair the work that needs to be done in you first, and then the work that you need to do to heal relationships with others. This brings us to our third point, the third stage of this, which is the clearing. So, in this third stage of clearing, it's not that it necessarily happens after these other two. In fact, it's probably happening simultaneously when it happens in our bodies, in actual wounds. It's probably happening simultaneously with the repair work. But this is where your body's actually fighting off any bad bacteria that may have gotten in the wound before and while the scab was forming. So think about how this works and applies with your emotional wounds. There are the things that you are sensitive to before you have healed. And so, as part of the repair process, it's identifying those things, those continued ruminations of how much you have thought about, the ways that you failed or how bad you feel about yourself. And the even the ways that you have begun to look for confirmation of those negative things, but it's not actually reality. The reality is that because you were hurt, you were more likely to see the negative about yourself that you thought about yourself or that other people were saying. And so in this process of repair, you also need to just clear out those negative things. Now, this isn't to say that you should be immune from feedback. I'm not trying to say that at all. But the person and the people that you allow to speak the most truth in your life should be people that you trust that you know want the best for you, and that you feel like you can be in a safe and good and healthy relationship with. That doesn't mean people you don't know still don't have good feedback. Sometimes they can. And you shouldn't just, you know, turn away from that or shut off your ears to that. No, it's not about being a person who is unable to take feedback. It's about being the kind of person who is wise and discerning about the type of feedback that you're allowing yourself to take in, the context of who you're getting it from. I'm not gonna go into all the details about that. I actually have another episode that I want to link to here, where I spoke with a guy named J.R. Briggs, who is amazing at talking about feedback. And I highly recommend you go listen to that episode. So we're gonna put that in the show notes for you to go and listen to. But the bottom line here is in the clearing, it's about getting rid of that negative self-talk. Not because you think you're perfect, because none of us are, not because you think you're above teachable, about above being teachable or above being coachable. That shouldn't be it either. But there's some voices that you have let in your head that you need to get out of your head. Yeah. So get them out. This leads us to stage four, which is the drop-off. So in the drop-off is where kind of where my situation, my wound is right now, uh, the skin is healed underneath. It's regrown. And so the scab doesn't serve its purpose anymore. And so it naturally falls off. Now, when the scab naturally falls off, it's because everything under it is healed, and you're not very likely at all to experience a scar. So this is the goal. When it comes to our emotional health, this is the goal as well. There's gonna be that scab there as a layer of protection for a period of time. Maybe for a period of time, you are more sensitive to what other people are saying about you. And so you need to limit that. But you want to get healthy enough underneath so that by that by the time that scab falls off, then you are good as new. You're in a place where you can handle maybe more than you handled before, but it's okay for you to be in a vulnerable position right now as you are emotionally healing from some things. But the goal is that that scab drops off. And that shows that underneath you're good again. It's regrown, you're healthy, and you're stronger than you were before. Okay, we may have come up with a title for this segment, which we have been calling dynamic dialogue with Dr. Kimberly.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

But now we are gonna test out the name Solving Marriage Mysteries with Dr. Holmes. Like Sherlock.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Like Sherlock.

SPEAKER_03 17:15

Like Sherlock.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

I like it. I think it's catchy.

SPEAKER_03 17:18

I need a monocle.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_03 17:21

And not a fedora. There's a different kind of hat he wore. You know the show.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

It's not a top hat.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

We just need to get Benedict Cumberbatch on.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Right.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

That's all we need.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

Didn't Robert Downey Jr. also play Sherlock Holmes?

SPEAKER_03 17:33

You know who else has played Sherlock Holmes? Henry Cavill. And you wouldn't know that unless you've seen Enola Holmes. Great movies.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Anyways.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Let's dive in.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

Alright, we have three questions again for this episode. So, first question. I just wonder if there really is still hope. My wife has gotten two tattoos now, and their direct meaning is that she's committed to this this decision and I'm toxic. Through the marriage helper program, I understand how I hurt her, basically death by a death of a thousand coats. Okay, hold on, hold on.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Don't you we all just now want to know what these tattoos are. Does he explain what the tattoos are? This is the most pressing question of the entire world. What are these tattoos?

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:23

That have indicated you are toxic and the marriage is over. Okay, this is a mystery we will have to get to the bottom of in the future. Continue.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

Okay. So he continues through the marriage over program. I understand how I hurt her. Basically, death of a thousand cuts through bad communication. But if she's convinced I'm toxic and bad for her mental health, is there really still hope?

SPEAKER_03 18:45

I mean, listen. Yes, there is hope. It's going to take consistency over time. You said that you realized that there are things that you have done that weren't great. Therefore, there's things that you need to do to show that you are changing, not just to get her back, but because you actually want to be different. That's where the real motivation from within you has to come from. Because you want to be different, because you don't want to be like that in your future, no matter what happens. When that's your motivation, then you're going to be consistent over time because regardless of whether or not she turns back to you or not, it's a change you want to make within you. The byproduct of that is if anything works in order to bring your wife back to you, it is that changing, stopping doing the things that pushed her away, and doing that consistently over time.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Okay, next question comes from Matt from South Carolina. Matt says, I'm watching the three steps to heal a broken marriage YouTube video, and I watch many of your YouTube videos. In this particular video, you are suggesting that counseling does not work. Did you mean traditional counseling? What is the difference in marriage helper and seeking counseling?

SPEAKER_03 19:59

Yeah, this is a great question. Marriage helper is not counseling. That's the number one thing that you need to understand, and that is a good thing for you. Here is why. Because the approach that marriage helper takes is a very educational, behavioral change type of approach. What does that mean? That means that in the workshops that we do for couples, in those workshops, the change occurs because there is not one-on-one counseling. Think about it. In a typical one-on-one counseling situation, even if it's you and your husband or you and your wife that are going to see the counselor, one of you is already leaning out of the marriage. One of you is already wanting out. And so then when you sit across from someone who is there to try and help you navigate through this, the person who already wants out of the marriage is going to feel ganged up on and defensive from session one. As when I was going through my marriage and family therapy master's program, I experienced that as the counselor. I saw when couples would come in. I would see the ones who were leaning out, sometimes literally physically, but especially in their words, their expressed desires for what they want for their future, how they didn't want to be married. And it takes a very special type of counselor who is experienced in these types of situations to really navigate it well, because there's just a lot of dynamics to consider from the counselor's point of view in that kind of situation. The reason that marriage helpers approach is so much more successful is because when people come into our workshops, there's dozens of people there, many of which don't want to be there. They are that leaning out, reluctant spouse. But because there's so many people there, when we start teaching from the front, the person who wants out of the marriage doesn't automatically feel like they're being ganked up on. And that allows them to lower their defenses. The other thing is because we're not doing tall Therapy. We're not rehashing a lot of the things from the past that are just going to bring up a lot of old wounds when you don't yet have a vision for how your marriage can be better, tools of how to deal with that. It can end up making a lot of things worse. It's like agitating a wound, right? The wound isn't completely healed, but you keep ripping the skin off of it that's trying to heal it. And the more you do that, the more agitated it gets, the more likely it is to leave a scar. But in our approach, we're not going to be talking about all the things from the past. We're going to talk about the past and help you understand how you got to where you are, but not in a way that you relive it and that you sit there and you try and fix what happened in the past. The past needs to be forgiven, it needs to be dealt with, but ultimately you need to be able to move forward. That's part of what we do in our workshops. But also in the workshop, because there's all the people there, no one feels like this is being directed towards me. They're less likely to be defensive. They're more likely to understand that we accept them. This is a safe place. We're not going to twist their arm. Someone can come in with literally being in the middle of an affair, have the divorce papers in their hand. And our team is going to love them and treat them with kindness and respect and care. That is the treatment that you're going to get from our team. And then the process of what we teach at the workshop and the fact that it is not one-on-one is actually what ends up leading it to have a 70% success rate. Whereas traditional counseling, when it comes to these types of marriage problems that we deal with, when I have asked other counselors, what is your success rate when there's divorce on the table, when there's an affair happening, those counselors have said, maybe one out of 10. Maybe one out of 10, because there are just limitations to what counseling is able to do. There's things counseling is really able to do really well, though, that we don't do at all at Marriage Helper. Helping people process past trauma through EMDR and brain mapping and all of those things, you should absolutely deal with a trained therapist. That is what they really excel in. We're going to help you look at the future.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Okay, last question for this episode. But before we get to it, Dr. Kimberly, can you tell people how to submit questions to be answered?

SPEAKER_03 24:16

You can click the link in the show notes below where it says click here to submit your question and just fill that out. It'll go into our queue. Hopefully, our team, aka Jason. Are you now Watson?

SPEAKER_02 24:32

I guess so. Jason Watson. I guess so.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

We'll we'll go through it and pick the questions. That's how that's how you do it. You just fill out the form.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

So, last question for this episode. My husband and I have been sleeping in the same bed, having sex, eating meals together, and going out together, both just the two of us and with friends. And every time we say that it's either fun or we had a good time or we had a good weekend. Recently, I had a paper deadline with our divorce. I said something about Recently we had what? Recently I had a paper deadline with our divorce.

SPEAKER_03 25:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

I said something about it. He said, Oh, is that tomorrow? I responded, Yes, unless something has changed. Softly, he said no. I then said, I know that means that I'm going to have to find a place to live. He said, Yeah, I've been thinking about that. And then there was a long pause, and he was staring straight ahead, almost looking like he was going to cry. He got up, changed the subject, and walked away. What happened?

SPEAKER_03 25:30

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

This was this was Sunday, so I don't know. Uh it's been a couple weeks since this was submitted. Uh she said that this was Sunday. Should I bring up what he was going to say? We're still sleeping in the same bed. He's eating my meals, talking normal, uh, but he's not he's not touching me or anything right now. Should I touch him? Like his hand or arm? What should I do besides pay?

SPEAKER_03 25:53

I am so freaking confused. If a divorce has been filed, yeah. Who filed it? Why was it filed? And why in the world have you been sleeping together since then? Like I I think I need to understand why I need to talk to people. I need to understand all of that. All the details, yeah. And then also, whose house is it? Why would you volunteer that you need to move out if things are going well? Then why would you offer the that option? There's a lot here that really could be dived into very deeply.

SPEAKER_02 26:32

I think he it sounds like he filed for the divorce.

SPEAKER_03 26:35

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

And she had some sort of deadline where she had to fill out a paper or submit a paper. And that's where this conversation stemmed from.

SPEAKER_03 26:42

Here's here, I don't know your situation, so you gotta take this with a grain of salt. And we hear, we've we've heard some things, but of course not everything. There's a lot of unanswered questions here. But based on what you have said to me, and only that, because that's all I have, I would respond and say, I would, I would bring it back up with him. I would I would respond to him and say something like, or not respond to him, I would, I would go to him and say, Hey, I I know that things have been really well, going really well for us over the past couple of weeks. I've really enjoyed spending time with you. I've really enjoyed us connecting. Um and I just want you to know that I am here for you. Anything that you want to say, I want to hear. And I want to be that, I want to be a safe place where you can, where you feel like you can tell me anything that you need to tell me. See how he responds to that. Maybe he just says thank you, maybe you move on, or maybe there's a bit more opening up and then continuing in that conversation of there was something the other day that you seemed like you wanted to say when it came to the divorce. May I ask what that was? You can't force him to tell you, but you can simply just open the opportunity for him to feel safe enough in order to share that information with you. So that's that's what I would do.

SPEAKER_02 28:07

Okay. That's it for this episode of what are we calling it?

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Solving marriage mysteries. Although I have more questions. I'm leaving with more questions. What are those tattoos? And why in the world? Why in the world, if there's a divorce pending, are you just like acting like everything is normal? And here's the thing. I think a lot of people get really confused when we talk about push and pulls. Pushes are anything that pushes your spouse away, so don't do it. Pulls are anything that pulls your spouse towards you, so do it. But actually, maybe that word anything is but actually maybe that word anything is what's tripping people up because there's some things that could be pulls, but you actually shouldn't do them because it's not helping your case. There's some things that are pushes, but you should do them because you need to have a it's an it's essential for you to do, it's necessary for you to do. They're not gonna like it, but ultimately it's going to keep you respecting yourself and ul and ultimately hopefully them respecting you more because of it. And so, you know, if a spouse has filed for divorce, again, everything is situationally dependent to an extent. But the principle underneath it is why would you just let someone have their cake and eat it too? So if your husband filed for divorce, were you just trying to win him back by having all these meals with him, continuing to have sex with him? And were you like I'm ho I'm guessing you were just hoping he was gonna like that the divorce was just gonna go away. But there's still something lingering over that maybe there should be a bit of guardedness to you so that he does not end up taking advantage. But this is why I need to talk to this is why it's so helpful to talk to people about it.

SPEAKER_02 29:58

It's coming.

SPEAKER_03 29:59

It's coming.

SPEAKER_02 29:59

It's coming. We're gonna get it set up.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

It's coming.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:03

This makes no difference. But I like holding it because it feels important.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

Yeah, I don't I don't think people know until this very moment that that's not a real microphone.

SPEAKER_03 30:14

This is not a real microphone.

SPEAKER_02 30:15

I mean, it's a real microphone, but it's pretty. We're not used to it.

SPEAKER_03 30:17

That's why I have it.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:19

In today's study scripture with me, we're going to be studying Genesis 12. So in Genesis 12 is where we first see God call Abram, also known as Abraham, to go, to leave his family, to leave the place that he lives, and go to the place that God would call him. But there's something incredibly interesting here that maybe you've never noticed. But once you notice it, it brings a lot of interesting insight. Let's read. Genesis 12:1. Now the Lord said to Abram, Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you, and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you, I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed. So the Lord is very clear. Here's the promise, here's the blessing. Go from your country, from your kin, and from your father's house. So Abram went as the Lord had told him, and Lot went with him.

unknown 31:25

Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

It's interesting, right, that scripture would say that. Abram went as the Lord had told him, and Lot went with him. Abram took his wife Sarai and his brother's son Lot, his nephew, and got all of their possessions gathered, all of the people, and they set forth to go to the land of Canaan. God told Abram to leave his kinfolk, to leave his father's house in the country, and to go where the Lord would send him. But his brother's son would have been his father's household. Lot is his nephew. It is his family. I don't think that God ever wanted Lot to go. And as we see what happens over the next couple of chapters, Lot ends up kind of being a bit of a hot mess. Lot ends up being the bringing about some of the negative things that end up happening to Abram and to his family. And so we see that there actually ends up being a bit of problems that come because Abraham took Lot with him. The first one that we see is in Genesis 13, where Abram went up from Egypt and he and his wife and all that he had and Lot with him. Again, every time we see this in scripture, Lot's like dragging along after what God told Abram to do. And we see that God is starting to bless Abram. We see that Abram becomes very rich in livestock, in silver and in gold. He's beginning to create a place for himself. Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents, and the land could not support both of them living there together, for their possessions were so great, they could not live together. And there began to be strifes. There began to be problems. We see this starting in Genesis 13. So Abram said to Lot, We need to split off from each other. You go that way, you go towards and go towards the city of Sodom. But Lot went to the place he did, he went there, and the people of Sodom were wicked and great sinners against the Lord. And the Lord said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, raise your eyes now, and look from the place where you are, north, south, east, and west, all of the land that you see, I will now give to you and to your offspring forever. The Lord didn't actually give Abram what he told him he was going to give him until Abraham finally separated with Lot. And I have to wonder, what things in my life does God say, go do this? And I say, absolutely, God, got it. But then there's this thing I'm unwilling to part with. Maybe because I'm scared to have the difficult conversation. Lot, you can't come with us. But it's family. I can't hurt their feelings. I don't want to cause strife or unnecessary anger amongst other people. I want to avoid conflict, right? Uh, I guess Lot can come, but it ends up causing problems. And maybe you know that you shouldn't have that person. You know you just need to have the difficult conversation. It's not because you don't love them. It's not because God doesn't love them, but God just didn't call this person to be in this next season with you. God doesn't actually bless Abraham with what he said he was gonna bless him with until Abraham separates with Lot. And it's not because necessarily Lot is a bad person, although we begin to see in Genesis 19 that Sodom and Gomorrah, that Lot and the way that he has been just encapsulated into the culture. And we see it be where it's foreshadowed here in Genesis 13. Lot went and moved towards Sodom, and the people of Sodom were wicked and they were great sinners. And you know what? Lot didn't really have the ability to separate from that. He ended up being very persuaded by that culture that he ended up living near. Maybe that's one reason. God knew I am creating a new people, I am creating a different way of doing things, and I don't need someone who is going to just be easily persuaded, who is going to try and take Abram off of the goal and the mission that I have for them, for him. And we see that in Genesis 19, ultimately Lot and his daughters and his wife end up running from Sodom and Gomorrah as God is raining hellfire on it for the wickedness that was happening in that city. The wife looks back, even though God told them not to. She ends up turning into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters run into the mountainside. The daughters end up seducing their dad, and they end up having his kids, like all of this very gross stuff that happens. But the descendants of Lot end up becoming the Moabites. And the Moabites are an enemy of Israel, and they end up being enemies for years to come. Because Abraham took Lot. And maybe he wasn't supposed to. So what is the thing in your life that you're you keep carrying around? And maybe it's not a relationship with a person, maybe it's a behavior that you have, a bad habit that you have that's keeping you from the goodness that God has in store with you until you let it go. What is that for you? That's this week's study scripture with me. They say, raise a child up in the way that they should go and they shall not depart from it. Now, that's typically in regards to their faith and should be the number one thing in a child's life. But today on the hot seat, I'm gonna be leaving, and we're gonna see how well I have done at teaching my daughter marriage and relationship principles. She's gonna be on the hot seat. And while she's gonna be answering the questions, it's really a testament to whether I have succeeded or not as her mother. I haven't! We're gonna see. You're on the hot seat. We gotta win.

SPEAKER_02 37:53

Alright, Eliana, are you ready?

SPEAKER_01 37:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:55

You're on the hot seat. Okay. What are the pies?

SPEAKER_01 37:58

Physical, intellectual, emotionally, and spiritually.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

There we go. Which one is the most important?

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Emotionally.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

Okay. Wow. You're flying through these. What does physical attraction mean?

SPEAKER_01 38:10

It's like working out, doing sports a lot, like activities, like playing soccer, doing art.

SPEAKER_02 38:17

Um Yeah, it's it's feeling your your best for your age and your situation in life. That's it, that's exactly it. What is something you have learned from your mom and dad about love?

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Um that they like like they're deeply interested in that they love each other. Um, and like they don't want to be brokenhearted and like start a divorce.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

Yeah, there you go. Uh, what is marriage? Can you tell me what marriage is?

SPEAKER_01 38:42

Marriage is like when they're together.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

When two people are are together? Yeah. They get married?

SPEAKER_01 38:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

Okay. Last question. You ready?

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:53

What is the best company at helping save marriages?

SPEAKER_01 38:57

Marriage helper.

SPEAKER_02 38:58

That's right. You nailed it.

SPEAKER_01 39:00

No, I didn't, bro.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

Okay. Now it's Arrow's turn. Arrow, are you ready?

SPEAKER_00 39:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Okay. What is marriage?

SPEAKER_00 39:10

Uh, people that uh sell stuff and get money with stuff.

SPEAKER_02 39:16

Okay. What are the pies?

SPEAKER_00 39:20

Uh physical.

SPEAKER_02 39:24

Intellectual.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

Emotional.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

And what's the S? Spiritual.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

Spiritual. I thought to you uh saying like the Holy Spirit.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

I it's kind of like that. Yeah. That's a part of it. That's a part of spiritual. What is something you have learned from your mom and dad about love?

SPEAKER_00 39:42

Every time that uh we uh feel something, uh God is with us, and everything they forgive us and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Yeah, there you go. Uh, last question: What is the best company at helping save marriages?

SPEAKER_00 39:58

Marriage company.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

Yeah, there we go.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

That that's what Eliana said?

SPEAKER_02 40:03

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

Well, she got it correct.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

You got to meet my two beautiful children. Hey, Eliana started off in the hot seat, Arrow finished it up. I still haven't actually heard their answers at the time of recording this, so I am super excited to see how precious both of them were. Hopefully, I won. Did I win, Jason? Did I win the hot seat?

SPEAKER_02 40:25

Uh, sure.

SPEAKER_03 40:26

Because remember, oh yeah, because it's your challenge. By them giving good answers.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Yeah, they gave they gave some good answers.

SPEAKER_03 40:34

Okay. Once again.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

You passed. Yeah. Still haven't failed.

SPEAKER_03 40:40

Still still undefeated, except for the three burpees I missed. But other than that, it's great. Well, hey, this has been another great show. Leave a comment for what you'd love to see more of, what questions you want to answer? Fill out the form to submit your question for a future show. And until next week, stay strong.