I don't even know who I am anymore...

Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Follow Lucas LeFevre on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lucasplefevre/
Sign up for the Solo Spouse Masterclass: https://bit.ly/3SD36yn
Submit your questions here! https://bit.ly/3Tv4287

"I don't even know who I am anymore."

I heard it over and over in a coaching lab a few weeks ago, and it broke my heart. Different people. Different stories. Same sentence.

You didn't lose yourself overnight. You gave yourself away one yes at a time. To a marriage. To a family. To a career. To everyone who told you who you were supposed to be.

And then one morning you woke up and couldn't find yourself anywhere in it.

I've been there.

A few years ago I took a four month sabbatical. Deleted the email apps. Deleted Slack. Stopped working entirely. And the first thing I felt wasn't peace. It was terror. Because my biggest fear was that everything would be fine without me.

Then my pastor asked a question that wrecked me: Who were you before the world told you different?

In this episode I share what happened when I actually sat with that question. The 10 minute journaling practice that broke it open. The thought that broke through. The book that changed everything. And the vision God gave me that I never would have found if I hadn't stopped.

If you feel lost right now, this one's for you.

Also in this episode:

Solving Marriage Mysteries. Three of your questions answered. Is 16 months too long to save a marriage. What to do when your spouse says he's done but still says he loves you. And what a husband should do when he finally wakes up and she's already checked out.

Study Scripture With Me. John 3:25-30. John the Baptist knew exactly who he was and exactly who he wasn't, and his joy was complete either way.

Unpopular Opinions. Why life isn't about being happy. Why physical attraction has almost nothing to do with how you look. And why almost no one is a narcissist and everyone is a narcissist.

Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.

Be persistent. God is a Father who gives good gifts.

Comment below and tell me what you want to see more of on this show. I read every single one.

Share this with someone who needs it.

Until next week, stay strong.

I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.

The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."

We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.

If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.

New episodes every Thursday.

Don't just exist. Show up.

🔗 Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com

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Transcript

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Lost After Trauma And Betrayal

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I want to talk for a minute to the person who feels like they have completely lost who they are because they've gone through a crisis, because they've gone through betrayal, because they've gone through trauma, because they've gone through something in their life where things just haven't added up. And they're waking up one day and they're feeling like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I gave everything I knew how to give to a relationship, to my family, to a career. And now that's totally gone. If that's you, I want to talk to you today, just from the heart. This is a little bit different than my normal videos because this has been weighing heavy on my heart since a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the middle of a coaching lab where I was coaching a small group of people. And this was a common theme that came up as we were talking about thinking about the future, thinking about what are your giftings, what are you good at? How can you think beyond your current circumstances into ways that you can give back in your life, into things that you can do to make a positive difference? And one of the things that broke my heart was how many people said, I just don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm good at. My confidence has been totally shaken. I totally get that.

Four Months To Reset Identity

SPEAKER_03 1:22

I went through a period a couple of years ago in my own life where I felt like for the past 14 years, I had done what everyone else wanted me to do. I I had given of myself. I had tried to make other people happy. And I got to the point where I said, I don't even know what it is I really even want to do with my life. I don't even know what it is that God has called me to do. I don't even know who I would be before other people told me who I should be. In fact, that's exactly what my pastor said one Sunday at church. He said, Who were you before the world told you different? Who did God create you to be before all of the demands and expectations and pressure of the world told you different? And that really hit me. That really hit me. And so I ended up taking a four-month sabbatical from work. I was burnt out. There was a lot of stuff I hadn't processed from my past, from my present. And I just took four months, which I understand was a privilege. I just took four months to journal and to pray, to delete the email apps from my phone, to delete Slack. Literally didn't work. And I remember that first day when I woke up on Monday, I think it was like April 6th. And there was this crazy feeling of like, what is my purpose in life? What is my worth if I'm not working? And my biggest fear was that everything would be fine without me. That work would be fine without me, that I wasn't gonna end up being needed. That was my biggest fear. Even though, ironically, like I didn't know what I wanted to do. Like, did I want to go back to work? Did I not? And so I just spent this four months seeking Lord, who have you made me to be before the world told me that I should be different. And I think that's a scary place to be. Because it's scary sometimes to admit that maybe you have spent decades doing things that ultimately haven't been what you feel like you were called to do. It's scary to realize that you have no clue how to begin even thinking about that or journaling about that or praying through that.

Ten-Minute Journaling Practice

SPEAKER_03 4:15

So here's my encouragement for you today. If you feel lost, you don't know what to do, you don't know who you are, you don't know who you're supposed to be. My encouragement to you is to journal. I know that that may seem really cliche, it may seem too easy, like surely it has to be more than that. But honestly, for me, this was a breakthrough. I got a journal, and every morning I would just journal for 10 minutes. I have a friend named Lucas LaFever. He is the one who guided me through this time. You can go and follow him on Instagram. I'll link to him in the in the show notes. He has some amazing journaling prompts, but he worked with me specifically one-on-one during these four months. And every day I would just journal for 10 minutes straight, whatever came to my mind. Sometimes it would be longer, but at least 10 minutes without putting my pen down, whatever it was that came to my mind, no matter how crazy it may seem, no matter how boring it may seem. I just journaled. And then I would just think through specific questions like, God, who did you call me to be before the world said different? And that was a question that I actually journaled through. I want to encourage you to journal through that question. And then at the end of it to simply say and ask in prayer, God, what would you like to say to me after I've put all of this out there, after I've been processing this or as I am processing this, God, what would you have to say to me today? And then just sit in silence and for a couple of minutes. Maybe something will come to you and maybe it won't. That's either way is okay. There's no expectation on this. I would end many of my journaling sessions that way. And many times there was nothing. I had silence. But there was one particular time that I ended my journaling session that way, and this very strong thought came out of nowhere into my head. It was the thought that breaks through. That's what my friend Katie Simpkins said when I asked her, How do you know if it's the Lord who is trying to speak to you versus your own, your own thoughts? And she said, I feel like when it's God, it's the thought that breaks through. Well, there was a thought that broke through that day. And

When A Book Changes Direction

SPEAKER_03 6:44

it was to go and read this book called The Hole in Our Gospel, which my uncle had recommended to me five years before. I hadn't thought about it in ages. I spent the next couple of weeks reading through this book changed my life. And here's why it changed my life. It's not going to change your life the way it changed my life. Because what I wanted to be before the world told me differently was a missionary. And for a variety of reasons and circumstances, I ended up not going that route. And then I got married. And my husband, although we both loved missions and mission trips, he was like, uh, we're not going to go live in some third world country and be missionaries. And so I just kind of gave that up and said, maybe that isn't what God actually had for me. But there was always this part of me that was like felt like that was what I should do from when I was young, from when I was very young. And so as I was on sabbatical from work and I read this book called The Hole in Our Gospel, it was all about the this guy who became the CEO of World Vision. And if you don't know what World Vision is, it's a company, a worldwide Christian-based company that just works in tons of different countries, helping people help meeting their needs through the love of Christ. And he reluctantly became the CEO, left a very high-paying job at Linux Find China to go and do it. And it was just his experience of seeing Christians around the world and the needs that are out there for Christians and for people who aren't Christians. But most importantly, what it did for me is I realized through reading this, God, like what have you given to me that I need to share with others that could never know it, afford it, whatever it might be. And I realized it's this, like it's what I've done at Marriage Helper, learning how to help people save their relationships. Fatherlessness is a problem all around the world. Marriages are under attack all around the world, not just in America, which is the work that marriage helper pride predominantly does. And so it was in that sabbatical and during that season of just pausing and reflecting that God put a new vision on my heart. And it was a vision of my heart for the world and my heart for the nations is something God put there. And I believe He put it there for it to merge with the work that Marriage Helper does so that from the profits of what we have at Marriage Helper, we can go to these developing countries, these developing economies of people who live on $5 a day or less and to help those marriages as our way of investing and giving back and continuing to spread the love of God in a way that's different than building a or drilling a water well and providing clean water, but it's still a need that people have. And I never would have had that if I hadn't have taken that time to pause and to just reflect and pray and think through God. What is it that you want me to do? Not what other people want me to do, but God, what is it that you want me to do? And it's changed it's changed my life. It's changed my focus. And it's given even me and my husband this realization of missions doesn't just looking does it doesn't just have to look like going and like planning a church and becoming pastors. And in fact, God has even moved in my husband's life over the past couple of years to go back into aviation and get his commercial pilot's license. And now my husband wants to dedicate the first years of his life as a pilot, of his career as a pilot to missions aviation. And so this this like three years ago when I was going through this time of God, who am I and what do you want me to be? Who do you want me to be? I felt so lost. And now God is pulling it all together. I don't know what it's gonna look like. I ultimately don't know how it's gonna end up playing out, but I know that I trust God with the ending. So, what does that mean for you today? Take the time to seek. The Bible says that ask and it will be given unto you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Be persistent, because our God is a God of good gifts. He is a father who gives good gifts. And it may not end up looking the way exactly you thought it would, but I guarantee you that if you seek who you are and you seek first to find it in him, that that will never turn back void. So for me, it happened through journaling. It was a time that I could steady my mind and focus because I'm the kind of person who likes to have something to do. And so by being able to write, it really helped me. Helped me process my thoughts, it helped me direct my attention, and it helped me on this journey of trying to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be. Maybe it'll help you too.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Okay, we're

Marriage Mysteries Starts With Amy

SPEAKER_01 12:28

back for this episode of solving marriage mysteries with Dr. Holmes, like Sherlock.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

That's right. There we go.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Okay, we have three questions again this week. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Ready.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Okay, first question comes from Amy from Virginia Beach, Virginia.

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Hi, Amy.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

She says, We've been married for 26 years. 16 months ago, he came to me and said we need to separate. We decided the very next day to start over and became very quick best friends. I fell deeply in love with him all over again. He was feeling that as well. Sadly, he moved out 10 months ago to have space to work on himself, with the intention of coming back home. We have a great relationship now, after the first 25 years of a roller coaster marriage. We communicate daily, hang out multiple times each week. A lot of great things have happened in the last year, but three months ago he said he only wants to be best friends. I believe we are soulmates and we are meant to be together. He is definitely an avoidant attachment, and I am definitely an anxious attachment. Has too much time gone by to save our marriage.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

Okay. He said, I want a separation. The next day. What happened? They started over.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

She says we decided the very next day to start over.

SPEAKER_03 13:45

I would love to know what that meant and what that means. Is it too late? No. Your anxious attachment, your anxious attachment style is pushing him further away by the way that you're acting. You are going to have to learn how to rein it in, how to get calm, how to get clear in understanding his attachment style, assuming that you're right that he's avoidant, but also his personality temperament, how those two things layer on top of each other to understand which archetype he is. That's what, that's what we call it. It's the, we have a process for this called the connection compass. You're going to walk the love path together. Sometimes you fall off the love path and you just need a compass to navigate you back to understand exactly what you need to do and how to do it. And so we have this profile called the connection compass. The only way right now you can get that and work with one of our people in order to understand your connection compass, your spouse's connection compass, and exactly what you need to do is by working directly with me and Dr. Joe. We are putting together a whole new curriculum and we are piloting it by working with a very small group of people every single month. And so if that's something that you're interested in, we're calling it the Solo Spouse Masterclass. Click the link in the description below. You can sign up for the wait list because it's only open a couple of like once a month for a short period of time. And we fill it up and it fills up and then we close it. So if that's something you would be interested in, we would love to work directly with you because every situation is different. And the thing that I am seeing with the clients I'm working with is there are people who have very similar attachment styles, very similar personality styles, but also based on who they're married to and their combination of those items and the situation. It could be a completely different plan that I put that person on on what they should do versus another person. And so it's really the like the magic of understanding that those things about you. And we have a whole profile, like a whole assessment that we've created that you take, it gives you your profile. You can do the same thing that you have to infer it about your spouse because it's not gonna be 100% accurate. So you have to take your spouses with a grain of salt. But then when you begin to overlay that and add in the coaching aspect on top of it, that's where the magic happens. It's not too late, but you've got to start doing the right things, and you're not gonna figure that out by yourself. You're just not.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Okay, next question.

SPEAKER_03 16:18

Next question.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

This

Confused Spouse And Lighthouse Stance

SPEAKER_01 16:19

person says, We've been married for 30 years this year.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

But my husband left four years ago. He voluntarily supports us financially. He's not a believer, but I am. We have a cordial relationship. He wishes to continue independent lifestyle, even as he admits it's been the hardest four years of his life. He's had three limerant objects and says our differences are irreconcilable, has called me some really awful things throughout the years, yet recently has said I'm the only person who has loved him unconditionally and says he loves me and always will, but is done with marriage and doesn't want to remarry anyone else. Does he sound like someone who doesn't know what he wants?

SPEAKER_03 16:56

Yeah. I'm sitting here thinking there's something that happened four years ago or five or six years ago. There's something that happened in the year or two leading up to when he changed. A loss of some kind, a loss of a parent, a loss of a friend, a loss of a child, a loss of a job, some kind of loss that he experienced would be my guess. And that has led him to have a total shift in him thinking that he knows what he wants, but he doesn't know what he wants. That's exactly what it sounds like to me, someone who's very confused. And so what you do right now is you stay calm and strong. You become that lighthouse that's in the middle of the sea, that he can see and that is steady and that continues to show light and show up, but you're also not waiting around just sulking and throwing pity parties, waiting for him to come back. Work on yourself. Work on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. Work on your pies. Become the best you can be. Be consistent in the way that you're showing up and the kindness that you're showing and all of those things. Uh, do that, but don't just sit around and and wait, because that's not going to be attractive either. So continue to do the right things. And there's a lot of good that's happening in his reaction to you, in the sense that he is recognizing that this time has been really hard. Pray for him. Pray for him that he would see the, see the truth about what is actually going on inside of him, what his thoughts, fears, and feelings are, and that you would be a safe place for him to process that with as that time comes.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Okay. And before we move on to our final question, if you want to ask your question and get your question answered, click the link below in the description. Uh, you can go submit your question and then go and follow Dr. Kimberly on Instagram. She might be answering some questions over there on her Instagram story. You never know.

SPEAKER_03 19:00

Oh, you never know. I would also like to point out it doesn't have to be a marriage crisis focused question. I would love. I would, I would, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Maybe like a special swag to someone who submits a question that is not marriage crisis focused. Be like, you know what? Yes. It can be about relationships, it can be about you, it can be about the way you show up, it can be about pies. I would just love to start getting some of those questions in as well.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Yeah, so any type of question, if you want to know her favorite color, ask that. We might answer that.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

I guess everyone, I would love to know what people think my favorite color is.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Put in the comments. What do you think? What do you think Dr. Kimberly's favorite color is?

SPEAKER_03 19:42

What is my favorite color?

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Okay, last question. This is kind

Recovery, Forgiveness, And Rebuilding Trust

SPEAKER_01 19:45

of a long one, and there's several questions in here.

SPEAKER_03 19:46

So boy.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

I've been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a four-year-old daughter. She fought for our marriage for so long by herself, but I wasn't listening. Now I am capable to listen, but she is done trying. I'm doing everything I can, and I know that may not change everything.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

I just want to say this is so common. This is such a common thing, especially for men. The dynamic, for whatever reason, between men and women, 70% of divorce filings last I saw are coming from women, and it's this kind of situation. They feel like they tried and tried and tried to tell their husband for so long, and their husbands just don't didn't listen. They didn't get it, they didn't hear it, to the point where they finally said, I'm done. Now, does that I'm done have to be, I'm forever done? No. But there are so many men that we hear from that are like, I I didn't I didn't understand what she was saying when she said it.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

He says, I am doing everything I can, and I know that may not change everything, but I'm fighting for our marriage alone now, like she was before me. There are many more details of hurt, betrayal, and broken trust from both of us. My sister once said in regard to how we have hurt each other, I was like a slow cancer to my wife, and then when our marriage broke and I started to wake up, she was a massive heart attack to me. I have been in therapy and recovery for over 500 days. My faith and my role as a father has been saved, and even though this has been the hardest trial of my life, I have so many things to be thankful for, but I still miss my wife. What has to happen for both of us to get on the same page and fight for our marriage together? She fought for so long by herself, and I just wasn't capable to see what was going on due to denial and impacts of addiction to be able to listen to her. Now I am fighting by myself, and she says she is just tired and done. I'm doing all the things I know I need to be doing. What needs to happen for us to reconcile? Is the answer just a miracle? Just wait and let God do it? Probably. Thanks for all you do. Your ministry has been a real blessing during this time.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

That's so kind. The one thing that's coming to my mind is: have you asked for forgiveness? Does she understand that you realize the impact and depth of the hurt that you caused her? Because that may That might be the next thing. You may have done that. You mentioned you were in recovery. Many times recovery programs have this as one of the steps. But when we look at the seven steps to save your marriage, calm down, number one. Number two, get clarity. Number three, stop your pushes, start your pulls. Sounds like you are probably doing that. Step four is forgive and reconcile. Now that step technically is split in two. There's a part A and a part B. So part A is forgive. That happens no matter what. You need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive her. She hopefully will forgive you and needs to forgive you, but you can't force that forgiveness from her. But you can absolutely extend your hand to say, I realize that I hurt you. And I, and even owning, I don't know that I can understand the depths at which I did, but I want to apologize for the hurt I caused. That may be your next step.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

All right. That is all for this segment of the solving marriage mysteries with Dr. Holmes.

SPEAKER_03 23:05

I keep doing this because like there's a hat there's a hat that I should be wearing.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Like Sherlock.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Like Sherlock. In this week's

He Must Increase I Must Decrease

SPEAKER_03 23:12

study scripture with me, we are covering John chapter 3, verses 25 through 30. So when we are looking at scripture, the important thing to do is understand the context of the verses that we're reading. We don't want to just pull verses out of context and use them for any application, although verses can absolutely be a source of encouragement and truth in our lives, but it's even more impactful to understand why things are happening when they are happening. So in the book of John, which is one of the gospels, and it's written by one of Jesus' disciples, named John. That's who has written this. We see in here that John is outlining several different things that have happened in the beginning of Jesus' ministry. One of the things that has happened early in Jesus' ministry is that there was another person who was sent ahead of Jesus named John the Baptist. God had it in his plan that John the Baptist, who also happened to be Jesus' cousin and was born before Jesus was born. And John the Baptist was a prophet. He was sent to tell people that Jesus was coming and he knew that this was his mission. And so he spent several years telling people about the kingdom of God. He had his own disciples, actually, because being a rabbi, you had followers. Your followers were called your disciples. And so John the Baptist had his own set of disciples that he was teaching about the Word of God, about the fact that there was a Messiah coming, until it was time for Jesus to step into his public ministry, which was around the age of 30 for Jesus. But John the Baptist had been doing a lot of prep work before then with his disciples until Jesus, as I said, stepped into the public ministry. And then John the Baptist's focus began to shift. He went from being the one who was telling people about Jesus and baptizing them to baptizing Jesus himself, feeling unworthy about even baptizing Jesus, but Jesus saying this is what needs to happen. And then he shifted from that point forward because it was a shift in what his role was to be and what his calling was to now I'm not trying to get people to follow me. I'm trying to get people to only follow Jesus. So this is the background to where we are entering into. And we're actually going to start in verse 22. So here's where it says after this, Jesus and his disciples went into the Judean countryside and he spent some time there with them and baptized. John also was baptizing at Anon, near Salim, because water was abundant there, and people kept coming and were being baptized. John, of course, had not yet been thrown into prison, which happens in some future chapters. Now a discussion about purification arose between John's disciples and the Jews. Now, a question might come up here of why was John baptizing? Why did baptism happen before Jesus died on the cross? Well, in Jewish culture, they had these things called mikvas. And mikvas were very large pools of water that Jews would go into to cleanse themselves. And it would happen ritually. And so this was part of what John was doing. He was having people go through these mikvas, cleansing themselves as part of him teaching about being clean, being pure, the kingdom of God being ushered in and the things that people need to do. So this is why this was happening to begin with. So a discussion about purification, about the mikvas, about why and how does baptism purify you, that kind of thing, began to occur. They came to John and said to him, Rabbi, the one who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you testified, here he is baptizing, and all the people are going to him. So they're talking about Jesus. Who is this guy, Jesus? You're the one who baptized him, but now he is baptizing people. What is going on here? John answered, No one can receive anything except what has been given from heaven. You yourselves are my witnesses that I said, I am not the Messiah, but I have been sent ahead of him. John knew his calling and his purpose, and it was this one sentence. That was his whole identity. That was his whole purpose. It continues on to say, John continues on to say, He who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom who stands and hears him rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. What is John saying here? John is talking about a, again, this is a Jewish custom of how they handled weddings, where the bride and the bridegroom would be separated until the bridegroom was ready. And the helper, the friend of the bridegroom, as soon as the bridegroom was ready, would go and shout to everyone that it was time for the wedding to occur. So what John is saying is the bridegroom is Jesus, the bride is all of us, and I am just the friend of the bridegroom who with joy gets to go and tell everyone he is ready. The wedding is about to occur. For this reason, my joy has been fulfilled. He must increase, but I must decrease. John is very clear about his purpose. He's very clear about where his identity stands. But here's the other thing: his joy was complete in doing just that. In fact, as soon as Jesus stepped into his public ministry, the expectations of John shifted. Well, let me say it this way. As soon as Jesus stepped into public ministry, what people expected of John, they expected John to keep doing all the things that he was doing. John, why are you not the one that people are going to, just like you used to be? People were telling John what John should be doing. But John knew that he only needed to do what Jesus had called him to do. And it was time for him to step back and for Jesus to step up. John knew his identity in Christ and his purpose. I have been sent. He spent time and energy having to reorient what people thought of him and of what he should actually be doing. He had to re refocus people's expectations of him. They thought he should be doing more. He knew he needed to be doing less. And he was firm and certain and confident in doing this. If John had just kept listening to people and what people wanted him to keep doing, he would have thwarted his actual mission. He would have confused people. He would have taken over Jesus's place of what Jesus needed to have happen. And so John stepped back and he said, He must increase. I must decrease. It is his time, and my time is to step back now. Now, what does this look like in our own lives? I was talking with someone just a couple of weeks ago on a missions at a missions conference that I was at in Taiwan. And he said something very interesting. He was a missionary in South Korea, and well, he was a missionary in China, but he was from South Korea. And he said, you know, there was a time in my life where I was looking at really famous missionaries, which is just a funny statement. But all of us, all of us sense this in whatever role in our lives that we're in. We're looking at famous business leaders, famous artists, famous fill-in-the-blank, people who are well known. And for this gentleman that I was speaking to, he said, I there was this guy who was a famous missionary, and I kept wanting to be like him. And I said, God, how can I be like him? How can you grow my ministry to where I can be like him? And he said something at the conference that we were at that just really profoundly hit me. He said, Sometimes God doesn't give us the vision or the direction of how to do what we are praying for, because our motivation is wrong. He said, God never answered me of how I could do it because my motivation was wrong. My focus was wrong. You see, actually, Jesus had to increase in my life and I had to decrease. Instead, the question that God answered in my life, which is what this gentleman was sharing with me, he said, the question that God did answer was, who is the kind of person I needed to become? And not in a grand, stately way, but in a humble, submissive way that he must become greater and I must become less. So my question for you today is, are you trying to seek to build your own name, your own identity, your own focus, your own whatever, fill in the blank. Or are you focused on building God's kingdom? John the Baptist's greatest joy was to see Jesus exalted. His joy was complete in seeing Jesus exalted and himself lesser and lesser. May the same be true of all of us.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

Okay,

Unpopular Opinions On Happiness And More

SPEAKER_01 33:29

on this segment of the hot seat, we're doing something a little different. This segment of the hot seat is called Unpopular Opinions.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

Oh boy!

SPEAKER_01 33:41

So on this segment, the format of this is going to be I'm gonna read a statement about what most people think.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

Your job is then to state what most people think, and then after that, state your unpopular opinion. So so for example. Okay. For example, I have an example.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

I'm hearing about this as all of you are.

SPEAKER_01 34:05

Yes. So as an example, I would say most people think this about cheating.

SPEAKER_03 34:13

Oh, you're not telling me their unpopular opinion.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

You would say you would then say most people think once a cheater, always a cheater.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

Mm-hmm. But I think that that's not true.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

Like that. So we're gonna do five of them. I have five.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:33

I actually have ten. So we have five of them. Here we go. We're gonna go through. And no timer. We're just gonna run through them. Five. And at the end, we all win. Because people actually learn.

SPEAKER_02 34:48

Wait. Okay. Everybody gets a trophy.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Well, everybody who watches this gets a trophy. That's right. Anyone who doesn't.

SPEAKER_03 34:54

That's right. You all are above the rest.

SPEAKER_01 34:57

Exactly. See? We're trying to help you out. Everybody who's watching.

SPEAKER_03 35:01

You're the winners.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Exactly. Okay. You ready for the first one?

SPEAKER_03 35:06

Yeah, let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Okay. First one.

SPEAKER_03 35:09

First one.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Most people think this about being happy.

SPEAKER_03 35:14

Ooh. Most people think that life is about doing the things that make you happy.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

But I think you can't just leave it there.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

Right or wrong. But I think that that is wrong. I mean, more specifically, life isn't about making us happy. Life is about making us holy. I hate using that word because the people who aren't Christians are gonna really be turned off by it. But here's what I mean by that. It's the process of us doing the right thing is actually the better North Star. Happiness changes every single day. One day I, a matcha, drinking a matcha is gonna make me happy. The next day, I just want my coffee. It's it's always changing because happiness is fleeting. Happiness is not a stable part of who we are. It's not a stable emotion. However, being a consistent person who seeks to be a person of integrity, who wants to be trustworthy, who wants to have healthy relationships in their life by doing the right thing, that's the goal because some of those things aren't going to make you happy. I run a business. Guess what? It's not always happy. I don't always get to do what I love to do. But there's a bigger mission that I have to focus on, other than just what makes me happy in any given moment. And so that's what I think more people need to think about. It's not as much about my current happiness, it's more about how am I investing in the relationships in my life so that they can be healthy and long-lasting.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

Most people think this about physical attraction.

SPEAKER_03 36:56

Most people think that physical attraction is all about how you look, trying to get the six-pack abs, trying to fit into a certain size. That's what people think. But that is not even true, even according to the research. Yes, of course, there are some facial and body signals that are more attractive to people than others. However, physical attraction is about how you feel in your body more than it is about how you look. Because you and I both know people who are curvier, who don't fit any kind of mold that maybe society would say this is what we deem on our magazine covers to be the sexiest thing in the world. But we know people who don't fit that look. However, they are attractive because they have confidence. They feel good in their own skin. Um, an example of this is Kevin Hart. Okay, Kevin Hart is five foot two. He's three inches shorter than I am. Everything society tells us about men is that they should be tall, tall, dark, and handsome, five foot nine, six foot one, whatever. The taller, the better. But you take a look at Kevin Hart. He is confident. He's confident and he just plays into the fact that he's short. He can't fix it. He literally, I mean, he could get one of those surgeries that they like elongate your legs, but that would be absolutely terrible. Um he just leans into it. And you know what? He has confidence. He's working on the other parts of him that he can control, right? Like working out. He has a decent physique and build. But when he walks into the room, you better believe people notice him because of his confidence. So that's the idea you need to take. Now, how does he get to be there? He's taking care of himself, he's focusing, he's funny, so he's focusing on how he shows up intellectually in relationships. Emotionally, he and his wife seem, from what is seen on the outside, to have a really great, strong relationship, right? And so those are the things that end up mattering more. Physical attraction isn't just about looks, it's about how you feel. When you feel good about yourself, you show up confidently, and it overall impacts the rest of your pies.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

Most people think this about marriage.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

What do you think about marriage, Harrison? Go over there. Yeah, like what do you think most people think of marriage? Introducing Harrison.

SPEAKER_00 39:32

Hello. Um I think most people probably think of marriage as some sort of, you know, agreement that they can have with each other to, you know, live life together, um, you know, some sort of government involvement in some way, like taxes. Um they don't really understand the full commitment that marriage has.

SPEAKER_03 39:55

Okay. So in your couple of months now of working at Marriage Helper, what would you say you now understand about marriage?

SPEAKER_00 40:02

It's it's much more of a, I guess I forgot to include this in the first part. It's it's not just a sexual thing. It's not a, it's not something that's, you know, meant for just the bedroom. It's it's something about being able to have clear communication with someone and be vulnerable with them and live life to the fullest with them.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

Are you more or less excited about one day getting married now that you have worked at Marriage Helper and seen how crazy it can be?

SPEAKER_00 40:34

It can definitely be crazy for sure. Um but I think I'm excited for the craziness.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

Oh, that's a win. I say that's a win. Good answer. That's what you call delegation, friends.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

Most people think this about narcissism.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

Most people think that a lot of people are narcissists. I can tell you that. But the actual so there's two things going on here. First of all, narcissistic personality disorder is less than 1 to 2% of the population. So no, most people are not narcissists when it comes to the clinical diagnosis. However, everyone is a narcissist because narcissism is a part of self-esteem. So when you actually look at, or it's or it's right in line with how we think about self-esteem. Narcissism has become, has been given a negative connotation because of how it's used in society, but actually it's a part of how someone, I'm just gonna, I'm, I'm gonna keep it at it's a part of self-esteem. That's an oversimplification, but it's the easiest way to think about it. It's an aspect of our self-esteem. The lower someone is in narcissism, the more likely they are to be a doormat. Narcissism is this ability to stand up for yourself and it's a sort of self-protection. The higher that someone is in narcissism, the more they're gonna come across as everything. I'm owed all of this stuff. I'm just like someone with a higher level of self-esteem, that someone's self-esteem can be too high to where I'm perfect, I can't do anything wrong, right? And we can see how narcissism can kind of fall in line with that. Whereas someone who has a low level of self-esteem and I'm no good, I can't do anything right, no one likes me, no one loves me, well, that person's also more likely to be a doormat in their lives. And so we can see how narcissism is correlated very strongly with levels of self-esteem. So narcissism in and of itself is not good or bad. It is just like self-esteem, in and of itself, is not good or bad. You need to have a healthy level of it in order for you to have a decent level of confidence about yourself and be able to stand up for yourself and seek good, the and seek right decisions and doing the right things in your life. So most everyone is not a narcissist, and everyone is a narcissist. That's my answer. It's nuanced.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

Okay, last one. What?

SPEAKER_02 43:09

That was the last one.

SPEAKER_01 43:11

This is the last one. Last one. Most people think this about Kimberly.

SPEAKER_03 43:18

I have no idea. Most people probably think that I really love to eat food, and the truth is I do.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

I do. I love food and working out. Probably all the things they think about me are right.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

I want to pee, I think people should comment below. Like, what do mo what do you all think about me is true? And I'll just have to see, is it or not?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Yeah, there you go. And then you can respond.

SPEAKER_03 43:48

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

There we go.

SPEAKER_03 43:49

Yeah, then we can respond. You know what? Here's one thing. I got one. Most people think I do a lot of pre-planning before I speak or do webinars or do even like this show. The truth is, I do not. Many times it's 10 minutes before, and I'm like, okay, what am I talking about? That's a true story.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

But when inspiration hits, bam. It happens quick.

SPEAKER_03 44:16

Happens quick. It's very right. I'm very disciplined in certain areas of my life, like my working out and my sleep, and in other areas of my life, I'm just like, however, it happens. It'll be great.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

But that's the end of this segment. You're all winners. You're welcome. Hopefully you gain some wisdom, some wonderful. Okay, well, that's that's a way to end.

Share, Comment, And Closing

SPEAKER_03 44:45

Oh, it's funny though. Hey, would love for you to share this with a friend. Give a comment below. Truly, what is it you want to see more of on the show? I read every single comment, and most of them I respond to, even maybe the ones I probably shouldn't. There's some crazy comments out there sometimes, but leave a comment. I read everyone. Share this with someone. Until next week, stay strong.